#anorexic

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I need a vacation from my mind and body

Everyday I say today is going to be better, that today is going to be a good day.

And

Everyday is a waste of energy, everyday is more disappointing than the last, everyday sucks more than the last

I’m hanging on by a thread and maybe just maybe, it’s time to let go.

I feel like a ghost, I’m neither dead nor alive.

I just exist in between.

In the real world I’m that girl that doesn’t eat, the girl who goes to therapy, the girl that’s falling apart.

But

On here, I fit in, I feel safe - comforted by the fact that I’m not alone, on here people feel the way I do, and I don’t feel so crazy anymore

I don’t know if I should be a comforted by this as much as I am, or if I’m even more broken than I thought.

forever standing up too fast and traveling to another dimension so hard you have to blink really fast to land back on earth.

My days lately feel so long, I exist from one day to another barely accomplishing anything.

My lack of sleep make things feel so much longer and tedious. I feel like I’m walking though sludge. My mind is a muddle.

Each day is more disappointing than the last but I don’t have the energy to die.

I’m just existing.

I’m so tired right now. I’m tired of breathing. I’m tired of surviving.

I just want to stop.

I love my dog so much, it’s like she has super spidey senses and knows exactly when I’m about to go off the deep end.

It’s like she knows I’m super upset and liable to do something fucking stupid so she just sits on me, gives me cuddles and demands so much damn attention that I can’t do something stupid.

She also reminds me that I’d be leaving her behind if I was to do it and I couldn’t do that.

My mind goes in overdrive a lot like it just can’t stop thinking. It jumps from one thing to another, so erratically I can’t keep up and the thing is nothing makes sense.

When my mind gets like this, my skin gets itchy like I need to do something and I don’t know what it is, I have this dire need to something, anything if it’ll calm my brain but nothing does.

This can last for a day, a few days, a week, a month and the entire time I just can’t think and I still have to pretend to be okay, pretend that I’m coping, but really my thoughts are drowning me.

Ramblings

I feel like one of those old abandoned, crumbling houses. Y’know the kind you cross the road to ignore because they’re ugly and they make you feel kinda sad.

I feel exactly like that, I mean someone could make that house nicer by doing it up a little, painting it, fixing it, but it’s not really worth it because that house will still be ugly and sad looking. It’s not worth the effort.

You might as well knock down the old house, make it go away, one less ugly thing, in this sad world.

I’m told on a daily basis by multiple people how dangerous this illness is, I myself realise how deadly anorexia is BUT I can’t stop, I physically can’t stop.

It’s addictive and uncontrollable - I know that no matter what goal I hit, I’ll always lower it because it’s not enough because there’s always more to lose, always a lower number to hit.

I’m unhappy being stuck in this cycle but I’m even more miserable without it - anyone who even slightly feels this way please get help.

Advice for subs from a Dom: How to lose weight as a sub or slave?

1. Have a wholesome diet consisting of Master(s) cum, piss, shit, spit, boogers and sweat.

2. Cook rich and tasty meals for Master and watch him get fat. Spend lots of money on his meals. Eat the products of your meals after he digests and metabolizes them for you.

3. Suckle on his penis while he eats.

4. Suckle on his penis and lick his ass 24/7 whilst awake and asleep.

5. Be his toilet. Ideally his only toilet.

6. Try to keep or grow your tits in size so don’t lose weight until you have no tits else Master will discard you.

7. Encourage Master to bite, pinch, twist, squeeze, slap, punch your tits whenever he can. This should hopefully encourage them to grow and compensate.

8. Have only anal sex to both please Master and keep your ass open for easy clearance.

9. Get your sister(s), cousins to do the same. Take pictures and send to Master for his approval.

Master loves a skinny bitch with big tits, areolas and/or nipples. Master loves them saggy. Master loves them bruised. Most of all, Master loves them jiggling braless and free all the time.

Master loves a skinny bitch with a large labia. Master loves the flaps of skin. Master loves to tug, twist and flick them until they are sore.

Share the love so others might know. Be a skinny bitch and be Master’s prize to show.

I talked to a guy that is interested in me about my anorexia and he really had the audacity:

“Oh yeah I feel like that sometimes too, like I won’t feel like eating breakfast sometimes”

Like wtf man. No.

I don’t know if Im happy or sad


But after 2 and a half years into my recovery, all at once I fell back into my anorexic hole again.

Sure there have been ups and downs along the way where I would relaps and start restricting my calories to my usual 1,200, but it never lasted for very long. But now, it’s worse than ever, and it’s nothing like it was before. I’m not refusing to eat because I feel depressed, or as a coping mechanism like I was before. I’m starving myself without even realizing it, it’s like I FORGET to eat now, whereas before, food was my entire life morning, noon and night. I would dedicate hours of my day just to calculating everything down to the tiniest gram, and drink copious amounts of water just to keep myself from eating, while still thinking about food. I’m even forgetting to drink water lately. It’s like my mind fixated on one specific activity per day, and I forget about everything else until I get tired and decide it’s bed time.

At night is when I usually remember, like “my head hurts, oh yeah, I should eat!” And I’ll eat like, a couple bites of somthing or some broth because I just…am NOT hungry? I have no appetite? And I don’t know WHY or HOW? But I can feel my body suffering because I’m NOT EATING. Or like I’ll realize how dry and uncomfortable my mouth is like “oop, better take 2 sips of coolaid to hydrate and keep myself awake”.

It’s only been like this for maybe 2 weeks, Maybe a bit less, but I’ve already went from 139 to 125 (I’m fairly certain it’s not fat weight, but like, water weight and digestive weight). And on one hand I’m so happy! On the other hand, I’m back tracking. All my progress, all the things I was enjoying. I actually was ENJOYING eating food, and I’d drink full fat soda! And I didn’t care about the calories for so long! But now even though it’s only been about 2 weeks, I can already feel everything going backwards in familiar ways. Even though I am forgetting to eat, when I actually do take a bite of somthing, again, I have no appetite. But one day I forced myself to eat some rice, shrimp, and an egg fried in butter. And I felt so, GUILTY afterwards. And that made me so sad because I haven’t felt quite like THAT in so long. And it was soooo good, I just wanted to enjoy it and go about my day. But I remember I just wolfed it down because it tasted so freaking good, that I didn’t really get to savor it and- then it was gone and then I felt hollow and like I did somthing bad.

Then to make that a bit worse, after I ate that, I drank some laxatives- somthing I have not done for quite a long time. And I was really disappointed in myself, because I hadn’t done it for so long, but also because it made me feel better. But I know these things are hurting me and that’s why I’m so upset with myself. I’m so ashamed because it’s like all that progress went down the drain. Bumps in the road are normal and fine, and relapses absolutely do happen, and that’s ok and not a reason to give up, and I know it’s not the end of the world! It’s just, hard, when you see progress crumble and you don’t understand why.

Anyways,

PLEASE REMEMBER TO EAT WELL,

HYDRATE,

STAY SAFE,

AND TO TAKE YOUR MEDICINE AS PRESCRIBED!

Wanna know something I always find stupidly ironic?


Every day, no matter what, I always ask my friends and family members if they had eaten.

“Hey hun, did you eat lunch yet?”

“Make sure you get somthing in you”

“Drink some water!”

“Oh honey you gotta have somthing, you’ve been working all day!”

“What’d you have? Oooo that sounds good!”

Yet not a single person. Not a single time. Did anyone ask me that in return. I know it’s stupid and self pitying as hell, but damn. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone asked.

If there’s one sure fire way I know I’m fat, it’s that no one ever has to make sure that I eat.

My main trigger is when people get mad at me.

Alls you gotta do it yell at me and next thing you know I’m downing laxatives and purging my guts out. I don’t know why, but I can’t handle anyone being unhappy with me. I can’t handle being fussed at or being disliked, even though, it doesn’t hurt anymore, it’s like my mind just immediately goes to “well, time to throw up” in those moments, even if I’m not sad.

I get confused and irritated, but it doesn’t scare or hurt me anymore. Just, gotta make myself throw up and starve for a few days then I’m a-ok again

Two whole years without relapsing, and I’ve fallen right back into old habits. I’m both happy and sad, I’ve gained all my weight back, I was healthy, dare I say happy? And now here I am again.

Will I never learn?

I might be anorexic but you will never catch me depriving myself of good food. If I want pasta I’ll eat some … just a low cal version. If I want my food to have flavor I’ll season it!! I just don’t understand why some people eat bland food when they’re anorexic. Then again everyone’s eating disorder is different. It might just be because I was raised by people in the restaurant business and good food will always be part of my soul

Any help?

It’s been a while since I last relapsed and failed.. but this time I’m determined to get back on track and lost this fat once and for all. I need help with work out motivation and restricting, and I also need help with meanspo and thinspo. I’m currently 137 lbs, 5"3. I’ll be posting pictures of my body and what not ever day and also an ana journal. Let’s hope I actually stick to my word. Istg I’m sick of being a fat shit.

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