#anxitey
Source:aolanow
My mind goes in overdrive a lot like it just can’t stop thinking. It jumps from one thing to another, so erratically I can’t keep up and the thing is nothing makes sense.
When my mind gets like this, my skin gets itchy like I need to do something and I don’t know what it is, I have this dire need to something, anything if it’ll calm my brain but nothing does.
This can last for a day, a few days, a week, a month and the entire time I just can’t think and I still have to pretend to be okay, pretend that I’m coping, but really my thoughts are drowning me.
Ramblings
I feel like one of those old abandoned, crumbling houses. Y’know the kind you cross the road to ignore because they’re ugly and they make you feel kinda sad.
I feel exactly like that, I mean someone could make that house nicer by doing it up a little, painting it, fixing it, but it’s not really worth it because that house will still be ugly and sad looking. It’s not worth the effort.
You might as well knock down the old house, make it go away, one less ugly thing, in this sad world.
“Love”…
If I’m having a panic attack or if I’m telling you how sad I am or how I actually feel. Try a hug. It’s mental illness. Mental illness. Mental illness. It’s not like “my daughter feels horrible about herself, let me hug her.” It’s “Take your medicine!” It’s “Do you need to go to a hospital?” It’s mental illness before it’s me.
Look, I know I live in an apartment building and it’s the middle of the night, but I just feel like if I would dramatically play the piano right now it would solve all my problems
I wrote the following six years ago when I was 15, my dad was abusive and my mom ignored it I just found it in an old notebook. A child should never feel this much pain and fear. Someday I hope I can make this little girl proud.
Yellow Oak Tree:
The sun is hot and burning
The earth is cruel and harming
Fear surrounds the innocent
Can nothing be saved?
But as I lay beneath you shade a cloak of serenity cascades around me
I am safe
Under the yellow oak tree
Free from judgement
Protected from ridicule
Safe from death
Under the yellow oak tree.
Good things are coming
.
.
.
at least that’s what everyone keeps telling me.
To my love
Thank you for always being by my side
When everyone in my life would leave me
I knew I could always trust you
And that gives me hope for a better future
One where we can be happy
I know I haven’t always treated you with kindness
You’ve seen parts of me that no one else has, yet you still want me to be happy
You want me to be a better me
I love you
So from me to me…
Please be my Valentine
I haven’t stopped listening to this since I heard it. These words speak to me on a whole other level and his voice is incredible.
I’ve decided to go to war.
Not with anyone in particular but with my life.
For too long I have just followed life wherever it led me,
My life took away friends, family, and opportunities from me all while I was too busy being at war with what what going on in my own head.
Now, the fear, anxiety, and depression I have that were once my enemy have issued a treaty.
And we are going to take back my life,
Together.
I’m happy with who I am. I am so filled with hope and love and softness. I am not what I have been through- I will always be that kid who just wants to see people smile and if someone doesn’t see that- sorry.
I talked to a guy that is interested in me about my anorexia and he really had the audacity:
“Oh yeah I feel like that sometimes too, like I won’t feel like eating breakfast sometimes”
Like wtf man. No.
I don’t know if Im happy or sad
But after 2 and a half years into my recovery, all at once I fell back into my anorexic hole again.
Sure there have been ups and downs along the way where I would relaps and start restricting my calories to my usual 1,200, but it never lasted for very long. But now, it’s worse than ever, and it’s nothing like it was before. I’m not refusing to eat because I feel depressed, or as a coping mechanism like I was before. I’m starving myself without even realizing it, it’s like I FORGET to eat now, whereas before, food was my entire life morning, noon and night. I would dedicate hours of my day just to calculating everything down to the tiniest gram, and drink copious amounts of water just to keep myself from eating, while still thinking about food. I’m even forgetting to drink water lately. It’s like my mind fixated on one specific activity per day, and I forget about everything else until I get tired and decide it’s bed time.
At night is when I usually remember, like “my head hurts, oh yeah, I should eat!” And I’ll eat like, a couple bites of somthing or some broth because I just…am NOT hungry? I have no appetite? And I don’t know WHY or HOW? But I can feel my body suffering because I’m NOT EATING. Or like I’ll realize how dry and uncomfortable my mouth is like “oop, better take 2 sips of coolaid to hydrate and keep myself awake”.
It’s only been like this for maybe 2 weeks, Maybe a bit less, but I’ve already went from 139 to 125 (I’m fairly certain it’s not fat weight, but like, water weight and digestive weight). And on one hand I’m so happy! On the other hand, I’m back tracking. All my progress, all the things I was enjoying. I actually was ENJOYING eating food, and I’d drink full fat soda! And I didn’t care about the calories for so long! But now even though it’s only been about 2 weeks, I can already feel everything going backwards in familiar ways. Even though I am forgetting to eat, when I actually do take a bite of somthing, again, I have no appetite. But one day I forced myself to eat some rice, shrimp, and an egg fried in butter. And I felt so, GUILTY afterwards. And that made me so sad because I haven’t felt quite like THAT in so long. And it was soooo good, I just wanted to enjoy it and go about my day. But I remember I just wolfed it down because it tasted so freaking good, that I didn’t really get to savor it and- then it was gone and then I felt hollow and like I did somthing bad.
Then to make that a bit worse, after I ate that, I drank some laxatives- somthing I have not done for quite a long time. And I was really disappointed in myself, because I hadn’t done it for so long, but also because it made me feel better. But I know these things are hurting me and that’s why I’m so upset with myself. I’m so ashamed because it’s like all that progress went down the drain. Bumps in the road are normal and fine, and relapses absolutely do happen, and that’s ok and not a reason to give up, and I know it’s not the end of the world! It’s just, hard, when you see progress crumble and you don’t understand why.
Anyways,
PLEASE REMEMBER TO EAT WELL,
HYDRATE,
STAY SAFE,
AND TO TAKE YOUR MEDICINE AS PRESCRIBED!