(HYPER-)INVISIBILITY : The Asian Non-Model for Affection
I’m always confused when I watch Asian music videos - by which I mean K-pop and J-pop, primarily… and the degree to which the videos feel so sexualized. As someone who grew up watching old Asian (Chinese) dramas like 還珠格格 (which recently had its remake), it’s strange to know that some of the new Korean dramas are… well, R-rated. While I think most of us (though that’s probably not as true as I believe) struggle or feel loathe to envision others in the throes of passion, the depiction is fairly common in America cinema, something that has made me uncomfortable because it is so absent in Chinese cinema. For example, in 上错花轿嫁对郎*, a show that came out in 2001 and is focused around the idea of marriage, I don’t remember any scenes that show kissing, period. There are probably a few, but not many in a 20 1-hour episode show. Rather, intimacy and affection is shown in long embraces. “Intimate” scenes feature the couple lying down on a bed together, fully clothed.
What’s more remarkable is that this is a step forward even for the culture. Of my parents’ generation, nobody holds hands in public. No one leans into each other or sits touching each other. Even of the couples I know in America, there is a distinct lack of public affection between Asian couples and American couples. Of my peers, if they display a lot of physical intimacy, often it is coupled with an open embrace of another culture - in short, it is not classically considered a part of the culture we “grew up in” which is usually our parents’ culture. Parents who are more traditional, especially the Chinese parents I know, don’t have a sex talk, generally don’t approve of dating in high school, but might be confused why you’re not in a committed relationship by the time you enter grad school.
Contemporary culture of Korean and Japanese dramas are dramatically different. And I’m not quite sure why. It is possible that the government is trying to control the population of China by not encouraging more romantic media to be created. The general disparity between the classes may also because of the distinction between Asian cultures and their portrayal of love and romance on the big screen (particularly given the middle-class nature of such entertainment). But even so relative to American movies, the classic tropes are very different. American women are often either bold/brash and then “subdued” or humanized by love (see “The Proposal”, “Groundhog Day”, “Juno”, etc.) or sensitive/caring ones who win over the “playboy”/“bad boy" (see "A Walk to Remember”, “Beastly”/“Beauty & the Beast”). In Chinese drama, which, of the ones I’ve watched, are often historical, there is the “cultured, demure, perfect girl” who earns love through her faithfulness, and the “uncultured, ‘masculine’, poor girl” who is softened by love. The class element is often a part of the character trope and also often plays a part in the male characterization as well.
All this to say, the normalized presentation of love is pretty… chaste? Traditional? At least by American standards. But it goes beyond couples. Growing up, families didn’t hug (unless it was after crying) or kiss or even say “I love you.” Parents don’t ask about your day, they ask about your homework, about your success. But that is “love” is caring about how successful you are, which I thought was the strangest thing, and didn’t really consider love at all. There was a shift when I finally told my parents “I love you” - and I often still do it in English because it feels weird to do it in Chinese. It just feels… awkward and embarrassing. My younger sister and I are super affectionate, but we do it in English as well. It’s just really weird, because it seems illogical.
I’m also listening to “I Knew I Loved You (Before I Met You)” right now and I would say that I don’t think the disparity exists as much in terms of love songs… but I’m not sure if that’s just because I haven’t listened to as many Chinese love songs, or if it’s because it’s not as prevalent in the media.
*for those of you who are curious what a more “traditional” Chinese drama looks like, you can actual watch some English subtitled videos like the ones above. (it starts with episode 6, unfortunately, but it gives you a sense of what a lot of the ones I’ve watched are like)