#bipolar disorder
monsters are real. and ghosts are real too. they live inside us. and sometimes…they win.
Who will dry ur eyes when it falls apart?
I haven’t really been feeling like myself lately. When I wake up I don’t wanna do anything. And when I get out of bed I don’t do anything. I just kind of waste my time. It’s funny because I have all these goals and ambitions but I just can’t bring myself to accomplish any of them.
I overthink because I know how replaceable I am. I’m no one’s first choice or anything special to someone, I am nothing.
I stay awake at night cause I don’t even know what my favorite color is and I’m afraid I don’t have a real personality.
If I’m having a panic attack or if I’m telling you how sad I am or how I actually feel. Try a hug. It’s mental illness. Mental illness. Mental illness. It’s not like “my daughter feels horrible about herself, let me hug her.” It’s “Take your medicine!” It’s “Do you need to go to a hospital?” It’s mental illness before it’s me.
I wish I could look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted at what I see. I can tell my friends to be strong and to love themselves but I can’t do it myself. I feel worthless. Like I don’t deserve to be loved.
I’ve gotten a few asks requesting some research resources for writing characters who have Bipolar Disorder. I don’t have Bipolar, nor am I a mental health professional, but I have found some helpful resources from people who experience it in order to get you started.
Please let me know if you have any reading recommendations, and if you’d like to share your experiences!
Also note: apologies I haven’t been able to answer asks the way I used to, as adult life and grad school keep me rigorously occupied. But I always appreciate the people who take the time to write to me!
Happy writing, everybody!
Articles:
What it’s like to have bipolar, by people who have bipolar
What Bipolar Disorder Is Like, According to Women Who Live With It
My Story with Bipolar Disorder
This Is What It’s Actually Like to Live With Bipolar Disorder
What It’s Like to Be a Black Woman With Bipolar Disorder
Black and Bipolar: Our Melanin Does Not Shield Us From Mental Illness
Accounts from Black, Asian, and other People of Color living with Bipolar
Your Experience With Bipolar Disorder Depends on Your Race
Books:
Wishful Drinking, by Carrie Fisher
Haldol and Hyacinths: A Bipolar Life, by Melody Moezzi
An Unquiet Mind, by Kay Redfield Jamison, PhD
Mad Like Me: Travels in Bipolar Country, by Merryl Hammond
Rock Steady: Brilliant Advice from My Bipolar Life, by Ellen Forney
I’m Telling the Truth, but I’m Lying: Essays, by Bassey Ikpi
OMG That’s Me: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, and More…, by Dave Mowry
Videos:
Destigmatizing Bipolar Depression
Putting in a plug for Maria Bamford, a comedian with Bipolar. She keeps bootleg stuff off youtube, but her entire catalog is on Spotify and I cannot recommend her enough. Here’s a clip from a Comedy Central special.
Seconding the rec for Carrie Fisher. She died right around the time I was first getting diagnosed myself and is still a huge comfort.
I have a diagnosis of Bipolar Type II myself and am glad to be a resource for questions as well.
I’m about to lay one on you … the right telling me that my mental illness is my own damn fault, aka existing on an individual level, is just as bad as the left telling me that my mental illness is a social phenomena, aka existing on a systemic level
both of you are fucking wrong and also ablest by basically inferring in different ways that my mental illness is “fake.” The very first thing my therapist taught me was that my mental illness wasn’t my fault. Like, even if I change myself or change my society or change my circumstances, it was just something I was going to have to live with, and that’s okay.
I understand many people suffer from depression due to external circumstances and I’m really sorry about that. But you have to respect that I suffer from depression (technically bipolar disorder) because God baja-blasted me in the brain with a super soaker of Bad Chemicals. Your utopia-dreaming of erasing my mental illness through social engineering is ultimately harmful.
Maybe one day we’ll create better drugs or technology to better manage mental illness, I’d love that, but until then one of the key ways to managing it now is to accept it as part of ourselves.
Both personal choice AND the system we live in do effect how well we can manage mental illness, but neither is actually the root of it. Saying otherwise plays into a very prevalent and very old form of ableism that assumes that mental illness isn’tphysical.
Hell, I refused to take medication (to my own detriment) until my therapist asked me “Would you refuse to let someone with poor eyesight wear glasses? Would you refuse to let a diabetic person take insulin?” Mental illness is a physical chronic illness and contradicting that is actually a big problem for us and plays into an age-old form of prejudice.
amy winehouse didn’t have depression she had bipolar disorder.
nina simone didn’t have depression she had bipolar disorder.
robin williams didn’t struggle with depression for his whole life, he struggled with bipolar disorder.
kurt cobain? bipolar. vivien leigh? bipolar. gene tierney? bipolar. frank sinatra? bipolar. vincent van gogh? ernest hemingway? marilyn monroe? most likely bipolar.
and the list goes on.
all of these people are dead now, some gone to suicide and some not, yet i have seen each of them described as having “suffered with depression”.
it’s bad enough how often bipolar disorder is misdiagnosed. it’s bad enough that those of us who have it will have to deal with it for the rest of our lives. it’s bad enough that most of these people dealt with it in a time where humane help was not offered to people dealing with this disorder. but to erase their history, their suffering, their strength. to stop so many people from realising that their idols, people who were considered “great”, people who were successful, that they lived with the same disorder as them. how unfair.
i know bipolar disorder is either simplified, misunderstood or demonised but saying they had clinical depression because depression is a part of the disorder wouldn’t even be right. bipolar depression is different to unipolar depression. weight gain instead of weight loss, persistent numbness instead of persistent sadness, restless energy interspersed with exhaustion, sadness is usually mixed with irritability etc.
maybe it’s not a big deal to some people but please try to respect these people’s histories and any bipolar person who might be able to look up to them.
edit: i’m sorry about the mix up with amy winehouse. she was never formally diagnosed. i meant to edit this and put her in the “most likely” aka the maybepile when i first posted but i forgot. y’all can debate about the people in the maybe pile (and amy who should be there) as long as you acknowledge their bouts of mania but everyone else on this list was formally diagnosed and admitted it or had a friend or family member admit it after their death
Neurotypical ppl who got anxious once will be like “haha I’m mentally ill ” and then get uncomfortable when you make a joke about being bipolar
depression apathy is
- walking past your favorite snacks at the grocery store and not having the energy to even want them
- listening to your favorite songs and feeling nothing
- only being able to muster half a smile when your lover finishes telling a joke
- everyone asking you to speak up because your voice feels too heavy to raise
- getting irritated at things that force you to feign interest or participate in small talk
- knowing you’re kind of acting like a dick but feeling too drained to do anything about it
As someone who lives with bipolar, all of these are relatable.
me, immediately after coming home from an 8 hour shift having not slept the night before: what would happen I made coffee and then cleaned my whole house and then cut my hair and then masturbated for two hours
me, approx. 6 hours later, speaking to no one: ,,,did you hear that…? ‘twas god herself…,.,… wHISPERING to ME..!.. be quiet!!! be careful!!! i,m l i s t e n i n g
me, at work: yeah, i guess i’m kinda depressed, but i’m pushing through it and trying my best! need any help? let me take care of you :)
me, the second i come home: i wonder how much of this bathtub i can fill with my blood before i die
been away for a while but now i’m back because i’m drunk and listening to mama mia on repeat while depressed as shit laying on the floor so like if you’d wanna knife fight me in a parking lot i’d let you win
me depressed: maybe i’ll just cut myself so i’m not sad anymore and because who cares
me manic: Maybe!!! i’ll cut myself so thaaaaat i can prove I Am Alive and do some homemade scarification tattoos!! that’ll keep the demons away!! i hope my Friends think i’m Cool and not Crazy bc im for sure Both!!!!!
Has anyone done impatient mental health treatment at a hospital? Did they help with changing your medications? Did it feel like prison, it was it a positive experience? What was it like? Did you have to go to the ER to get admitted? Please help. Thank you.
My soul felt this as I was reading it. It is exactly how I feel deeply about life right now. I don’t wish it on no one.
Ana ♿