#breakup

Pretty Please

I got myself in (and out of) another relationship.

I first met her when I was 22 and she was 27. I was a security guard and she was a receptionist in another building. This was back in the late ‘80s so security was not as advanced as it is today. Back then depending on where you were it could be very boring. I used to call and talk to the receptionists that would talk to me. “N” was the only one who would talk to me. Even if we had nothing to really talk about it was a way to pass the time. 

Anyway, she was engaged to an employee who worked there so all we could do was talk. I got myself in trouble a few times with her and for unrelated reasons I ended up getting booted from that company. 

Many years pass and now we have Facebook. Guess who I noticed was also on Facebook? I sent her a message saying hello and asked if this was the same person that worked at that company. She said she was. She didn’t really remember me all that well but after a few minutes she did remember me. 

So that first contact was 2014. We chatted on and off over the years and that was pretty much how it went until June 24th of this year. She sent me a text saying she just realized that she hadn’t spoken to me since February. She asked how I was doing and curiously, if I was still single. I confirmed that I was and asked if she too was single. The answer was yes. 

She asked If I’d be interested in going to a baseball game with her. Her boss would send her some free tickets. I don’t really give a shit about sports but it was something to do. I said sure so she tossed out a couple of dates and they were all during the week. I picked Friday, July 30th for a 6pm game. She liked that date too. 

So on July 30th I drove up to her place and sent her a text letting her know I was there. It was 5pm. She lives in a 28 building apartment complex and that she’d have to guide me in. She said she had a parking spot for me and keep going until the driveway bent to the left. Right before I reached the bend A woman with long blondish hair dressed in jeans and a black tank top walked out to the middle of the driveway, flipped her hair and started walking back up from where she came. I knew immediately it was her. It had been more than 30 years since I saw her last. She still had a decent shape though she had put on a few pounds. I went around the bend and she came up to me with a big smile and said “hi”. I told her that she hadn’t changed a bit. She smiled even bigger and playfully stroked my beard. She said she was going to move her car out of the visitor space and I could park there. As she turned I could see the back of her white panties sticking out over her jeans. Hot! She had a small SUV of some sort and she pulled out and I backed in. She stuck a paper “visitors pass” on my dash. I got out and she gave me a big hug and we headed up to her apartment to relax and catch up on things. She is now 60 and I am 54. She’s definitely aged but she’s still a looker.

So we went with an Uber to the train station so we wouldn’t have to deal with parking. She paid for the Uber and I got the train tickets and we rode into the city. 

I hadn’t been to a ball game since ‘92 and that was at the old stadium. The new one was so much nicer. There were restrooms at every section, tons of food vendors, beer vendors, souvenirs, you name it. We found our seats and sat down to watch the game. 

Things were pretty mellow during the first 6 innings. By now it was night and it had gotten colder. I had my Carhart fleece jacket on and that was barely enough. I commented that my hands were getting cold. She grabbed my hands and rubbed them in hers. We looked at each other and it felt alright to put my arm around her. She was very receptive to that. She said “that’s better” like she’d been waiting for it. For my part I was nervous that I was about to step into another relationship. After the others ended so badly I really wondered if I wanted to get into another. Well I was entering one now so I guess enjoy the ride for a while. 

We got back to her place after midnight and we were talking. Actually she was doing most of the talking and I was getting really tired. I get up at 5 during the week and that was past my bedtime. She offered me to stay but I said I needed to get home and check on my cat. She hugged me goodbye and said “call me”. I got home at 1:45am, fed the cat and went to bed. 

So now I have this problem: A woman is definitely interested in me and I can’t give her what she needs. Here we go again. 

So Sunday afternoon I decided to give her a call to see how she was doing. I told her that things went better than I had expected they would on Friday and before we went any further I said I needed to tell her something. She asked what. I said that I couldn’t have conventional sex. There was a pause and I explained that I have seen a doctor and a sex therapist and that no one can “fix” me. This is the way I’ve been my entire adult life. I added that if this was a “deal breaker” then I understood. It was still quiet on the other end of the line. I asked if she was still there. She said she was crying. She said that there were “other things” I could do. I said that I really liked her and she said she really liked me too. So it sounded like she was willing to deal with my shortcomings. After that we talked about a few fun things that she likes to do like taking walks on the beach and watching the sun set. I asked if we should do it that evening and she said absolutely. We talked on the phone for an hour and it was now after 4. I realized what we had been doing and said I should just head over so we can talk more in person. I got there around 5 and we hugged each other and I kissed her. It was quick and it felt very natural. We kissed again and tongues were involved. She said it had been so long that she was “out of practice”.  I asked her how long it had been and she said 7 years since the last relationship. So somehow we had crossed that bridge that went over friendship and into relationship territory. 

We sat down in the living room and we talked about cars and exes. She pulled out an album that had pictures of some of the cars she owned. She had some pics of her when she was quite a bit younger. I think she had gotten better with age. 

After that she said we should head to the beach to catch the sunset. We drove to once place that she likes to go then changed her mind and drove to another. The second one we actually got out and walked on the beach. It was a small cove where she said surfers go but they weren’t out there that day. We found a long “rock” that stuck out of the sand to sit on. 

We kissed a bunch and talked as we waited for the sun to get close to the horizon. I had my back to the sun since it was shining brightly on the water. Eventually I noticed the brightness begin to fade. I turned around to watch the sun set as we held hands. We watched as the last portion of the sun dipped behind the clouds on the horizon. 

I asked her if she’d ever been to Hawaii and seen the sun set and seen the “green flash”. She said she hadn’t seen that but she’d been to Maui, Kuai and the big island. She said she liked Kuai the best. 

We headed back up to the parking lot and talked about dinner. We looked at one place that was right across the street from the parking lot but their prices were high. We found a sushi place right around the corner and ate there. The bill was like $49 for three rolls and miso soup. Not too bad.

We got back to her place and cuddled on the couch. By the time I got home it was almost midnight. I went straight to bed.

Monday after I got settled in at work I sent her a text she could wake up to. She returned my text about 11am. She said “good morning or good afternoon”. She added that she hoped that I was having a good day. She thanked me again for walking on the beach with her. She said “let’s do it again”. I texted back absolutely. She then wished me a good day. Later after I got home I asked her what she’d like. Here are the texts:

She responded that she’d been thinking a lot about me too.

I liked that. 

So we talked to each other every day of the week. We made a lot of progress and by Wednesday she said she was talking to somebody and she accidentally referred to me as her “boyfriend”. I thought it was a little soon for that but I was ok with it. I asked if she would be my girlfriend. She said she’d be “honored” to be. 

On an evening walk I texted my ex wife and said that she probably wasn’t going to believe it but I got myself into another relationship. She called me up since it was easier for her to talk than to text as she made dinner. I shared where we were and she expressed her concerns. She said that even though I was very open with her when we were first dating she suggested that the new one may not be able to handle all of it. She said that me telling her that I couldn’t have conventional sex was a pretty big hit. She advised me not to share any of my fetishes with her as that would put the nail in the coffin. I agreed.

So the next weekend I was out of town for a huge summer car show. We talked and texted during that time. I hadn’t mentioned it yet and I debated if I should but I have been looking to possibly move out of state to this town. I have some friends who live there so I wouldn’t be so alone. 

During the next week we continued texting sometimes talking on a daily basis. Sometimes I though about what the “next step” should be and I have to remind myself that there is no timeline and we can do this however we want to. I did let her know that I was considering an eventual move out of the state but that I had no timeline. This was during one of our phone conversations. There was a pause and the she asked if it was hotter over there. I said it gets about as hot as it does here but without the humidity. 

So Saturday evening came and I headed to her place as we had planned. I was thinking I might sleep over but I hadn’t packed anything and I certainly didn’t want to make it look like I was planning to. On the way over I picked up a small bouquet of flowers and see how that went over. She absolutely loved them. She said it’s been so long since anyone’s given her flowers she wasn’t sure if she even had a vase for them. She made a large cup work and she placed it on the stand where the TV was.

We grabbed dinner and came home to cuddle on the couch. As it began getting late I floated the idea that I might stay the night over. She was very receptive to it. I had already started putting my hands along the sides of her boobs and rubbing as close as I could get to her crotch. I finally started feeling her boobs through her shirt and took her shirt off. She had a black lace bra on underneath and it was completely soft. No preformed cups. She said she preferred them that way. Her bra was a front closure and I struggled a little with the fastener. We both laughed as I grabbed my glasses so I could better see what kind of a clasp I was dealing with. I took my glasses off originally so I wouldn’t get them dirty with my face gunk when we were kissing. Anyway I figured out how to open the clasp and pulled her bra off. Her boobs felt really nice, She had them done for her 40th birthday and they felt very natural. My ex wife’s felt too firm when she got hers done and I didn’t care for that. 

She said she had no feeling in her left nipple but the right side she did. I rubbed her boobs gently as I enjoyed them. She got up and said she’d be back. She was gone for a while then came out with a robe on. She went to the closet in the office and dug around for a minute. She came out wearing a teal colored polyester robe with a pattern on it and underneath a dark purple nightie. She said she thought she had another but she must’ve gotten rid of it. I thought it was just fine for now and enjoyed her in it. We made our way to her bedroom. Her bed was a queen size with a memory foam mattress on top. The memory foam caused us to roll together in the center of the bed. That wasn’t an issue as I began rubbing her crotch and working my to her vagina. I used my middle finger and worked my way around. She got close a couple of times but she eventually pulled back she said but she couldn’t get there. She said she can’t have an orgasm. I said we were going to keep trying and she was open to that. 

The next day after a late morning breakfast out we headed to my place so I could feed my cat. I showed her my apartment even though I felt guilty that it needed to be neater. I pulled out my acoustic and played a couple of songs for her. She loved it. I did what I needed to do and we headed back to her area and hiked an easy trail in the park across from where she lives. 

For dinner we had bento boxes and I got ready to head home. So it was pretty much a given that I’d be seeing her the next weekend.

During the week we had some discussion about where the relationship was going and I said we both need to be careful and that we don’t want to make the same mistakes we did in the past. I could feel that we were on the same page and getting closer. We both felt emotion through our texts (yes that really happens). We started looking ahead and talking about going places together. There were places I described that she’s never seen. I said we’d go there. 

So next Saturday came and I fulfilled my obligations before heading up to her place that evening. This time she was making dinner. During our early conversations I had shared a recipe with her. I don’t really remember doing so but that was several years ago. This was back when I actually tried making different things. The last four years of my life have been pretty dull and my food choices reflect it. 

Anyway once I got there she started dinner. It turned out awesome! She said she was going to try making it again and maybe tweak things a little. God she sounds like me!

So after dinner and clean up we cuddled on the couch some more. Then she got up and poured herself a little rum in a glass with ice. This surprised me since all I ever saw her drink was sparkling water. A little later she came out of the bathroom and I kissed her. She tasted like smoke. I asked what she smoked and she said pot. Hmm. I wasn’t expecting that either. She keeps her bong in the bathroom. I’d used that bathroom twice but I’d never noticed it. She said she doesn’t drink much but the alcohol was for her hip and her knee that were bothering her that evening and the pot was something she smoked every day. I was kind of taken aback by this but I decided I’d deal with it. The “honeymoon” was over and I figured I’d be seeing her more how she is. 

A bit later she asked me if I’d ever had a blow job with ice before. Again I was surprised and said I hadn’t. I said I had one for her. I asked her if she’d ever rubbed a guy’s dick while he wore panties. Her smile began to fade and she turned her head slightly and quietly said “no”. I asked her if she said no and she said no again. 

We changed the subject and continued on with the evening. I began getting late and she changed into her green robe and a red satin nightie. I liked this one much better. 

We worked our way into the bedroom and I rubbed her clit. I don’t think I was rubbing for more than ten minutes before she stopped me and said it wasn’t going to work. 

Sunday she made breakfast. Bacon and eggs over easy. I told her I was going have to make her one of my omelets. She said she could never make one right. 

She said she didn’t feel like going anywhere so it was going to be a “home” day. After breakfast she turned the TV on since there was a race on. It was the Nascar cup series. She said she gets into it and has some official scale cars in storage. 

On the subject of storage she said because there’s not much storage in the apartment she keeps a bunch of things on her balcony. She said she bought a lamp that she couldn’t figure out how to assemble. I asked if I could take a look at it. She opened up this blue bin and took a box out. The directions said it was a 5′ something tall combination wine rack/lamp. I figured I’d take a crack at it. I had it built for her in a couple of hours. The Red Green quote comes to mind “if the women don’t find you handsome then they should at least find you handy”.

Anyway she loved the lamp and put it on the wall between the bedroom and kitchen. It looked like it would put out a fair amount of light in a dark room. By now it was 5 and I was ready to grab some dinner. She said she hadn’t planned on dinner and she had nothing in the fridge. So the only other option is to go out. We found a restaurant attached to a mall and at there. She had a beer and I had a Coke with our dinners. We were holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes. After dinner we walked hand in hand around the mall. There wasn’t much there anymore. Many businesses had moved out and since it was a Sunday night many were closed. We headed back to her place and cuddled some more. My next door neighbor had been sending me a few texts saying that she was feeding my cat. I was telling my girlfriend that my neighbor was feeding my cat. I said she had a key to my place. My girl looked surprised and asked if I had a key to her place and I said she usually just leaves the door unlocked. 

We cuddled some more and I kind of wanted to play. My girl said I should probably get home to check on my cat. It was 8:30 and she was right. It was a Sunday night and I needed to get home before it got too late. I let her know that I got home and she said she was going to get ready for bed. We sent each other our usual emoji “kisses” and said good night. 

The next morning, this past Monday the 23rd I was getting ready to leave for work and I sent her my usual good morning text, knowing that she’d wake up and greet me eventually. Here are the texts:

I felt a text come through but it was a few minutes before I could get to it. What I read took me by surprise: 

(Leo is one of her three cats.)

Something on this magnitude warrants a phone call. I told my supervisor I needed to make a personal call and I’d be in the back. I tried calling her number but it we straight to voicemail. I tried sending her a couple of texts. Where my entries had been blue they were now green. I think she blocked my number. I checked Facebook and sure enough she had unfriended me. Fuck! I couldn’t do anything. 

I went back to my work area and texted my sister. It was almost lunch time and I went to the back of the warehouse and asked if she could talk. We talked almost my entire lunch break. I shared the text with her and she asked me what fetish was that had her so “freaked out”. I told her and she said she wasn’t surprised. She and Mom found that I had been stealing Mom’s panties when I was still living at home. Still she didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I was pretty heartbroken and hurt. I think what hurt the most is that she decided to send me a text rather than actually talk to me and then block my number. I couldn’t even defend myself. I was pissed and distraught at the same time. My sister said she didn’t think she was very mature if she was doing that. She also said things moved very quickly in her opinion and that we hadn’t really established a friendship yet and I should have waited to share that. She said it appeared to her that she was eager for a relationship and apparently so was I. It had ignited and burned brightly and then went out just as fast. 24 days to be exact. In that span I think we’d been together maybe four times. During that time we spent a lot of time cuddling and kissing and making plans a few months out. That’s all done now. I can just hear my ex wife saying “I told you so”. 

That evening I laid awake in bed unable to sleep at first. 

So Monday was filled with confusion and pain. I wanted to talk to my neighbor but she was out to dinner with friends and wouldn’t be back till late. Tuesday was better but I was still bummed about how it it all went down and that I wasn’t given a chance to clarify or explain anything. My sister said that it was better that it ended early, when I had “less invested”.

My neighbor came over to chat that evening. She asked how the weekend went and told her everything. She apologized for not being there for me on Monday. I showed her the text and like my sister, thought that she wasn’t very mature for her age. 

Yesterday I woke up with a fresh perspective: “She did what she thought was right for her”. It’s out of my hands. Later I went on a walk with my neighbor. I said that I’d just like to put this all in a “box”, put a lid on it and put it in a closet somewhere. She commented that I’ll be able to do that but it’s going to take some time. Thanks for reading.

I’d love to read your comments on the matter.

I met you at the fountain in Union Square.

You were thinner than I expected

it wasn’t a bad thing-

but even more than that

I didn’t expect you

to give me the hardest three years of my life,

it wasn’t a bad thing

but the best thing in the world…

I need to stop looking at your eyes like they hold something for me.

unaiza n, as empty as my words

things i regret

not picking my mess up sooner/ not eating my breakfast/ my heart skipping a beat for you/ not listening to what my heart had to say/ working all day/ just to keep my mind from thinking about you/ breaking your heart/ still wishing to lean in your arms/ for you’re the only person/ who wouldn’t let me down/ loving you/ denying it/ your love for me/ mistaking it for nothing/ come home/ i need you.

- unaiza n, the list never ends. put it to an end, will you?

loving you was never pretty, it was a war zone. fighting to love you or to let you go.

- unaiza n,how did i think i’ll get out of this without bleeding?

and i’ve been trying to find excuses to kiss you at the places only the sun has touched.

- unaiza n, selling myself to stars just to spend more time with you.

something about you cutting me in so deep feels like home.

unaiza n, boy bye

i was the only thing you didn’t know how to do right.

unaiza n, you were never mine to begin with

there are poems etched on the back of my throat. I can’t whisper them out, but they all scream your name.

- unaiza n, the center of every poem is that I love you.