#bullimia

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*binges then proceeds to start the abc diet*

Took me this long th realise that my mother, “wanting the best for me” was really just fat shaming, who knew

Me and my ana buddy when the science teacher is talking about nutrition and they are looking right at us

I just had a panic attack while in line buying food and put everything back and I can’t tell if it was from my ed or social anxiety

My ed really making me compare myself to the opposite gender even tho they naturally built smaller

I realised that one of the main reasons I love school is that I can starve easier there and I dont have a pantry full of free food the gorge myself on

I really hate these lockdowns. Its not because I can’t go out with friends or that I can’t travel,but it’s because I have nothing to distract myself from the hunger. I can’t go out shopping for a few hours or go bowling or something. All I can do is go for a walk and if i do that to often my family will notice

I walk around d school and see these people with tiny legs and a thigh gap while I’m over here with thighs the size of there bodies. They probably dont even notice thay have them and Dont even think about it ever

can someone be my ana coach?? need help!

omg i just found out why my ex best friends dropped me! it’s because i was being too “negative” all the time (aka depressed and literally suicidal) and she didn’t want to deal with me! because it’s not her responsibility! (her exact words btw) But when she was “depressed” i would talk with her for 2+ hours on the phone to make her feel better. the other one dropped me because me and my family “treated her like a pet” ???? what does that even mean. does she mean when we drove to her house at 10 at night to pick her up because she was having a panic attack? or does she mean the trip i took her on for my birthday? maybe she means when we took care of her for a week when my mom cleaned up her dogs shit and piss all over the floor. It’s like i treat people with the utmost respect and love. then they treat me like i’m some disgusting freak of nature. :P

just asked my guy friend if he wants to hang out with me for the first time (as friends) and he said “ew never” he knows i have no other friends. not gonna eat for the next 3 days. that shit burned. i’m not even attracted to him or anything. i’m just that repulsive i assume.

life update:

I finally got the balls to tell my mom i’m depressed. Now i’m on the max dosage of my antidepressant even though i still don’t feel better. I know it’s a life long thing and there’s no cure but i really wish there was. I’m back to my SW but i’m going to start exercising which is something i’ve never enjoyed. i’m also gonna start eating healthier and not restricting. i kinda just wanna see how things go. as of right now i have a couple friends. i don’t know how i feel about my roommates. we don’t really click like how i do with my other friends. my relationship with my family is a lot better though. my mom became nice to me when she found out i was suicidal i guess. i noticed a pattern with that type of thing. like other people’s parents became nicer to them too when they found out they were mentally ill. it feels so strange to say in my head that im mentally ill. i kinda just have the voice in my head invalidating me, saying im faking. i find comfort in tumblr knowing there’s other people who go through my struggles. Although im not recovered from my ED, im trying my best so i won’t be on tumble for a while. that’s it, thanks for coming to my tedtalk. love u besties

here’s a picture of my legs. the only thing i’m okay with related to my body. i need to lose some fat on my upper thighs though

day five! here’s my cals!

455 - 375 cals = 80 cals

wish me luck for the weekend, the past weekend i binged both days just sucks because today i have felt soooo hungry…

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