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I have received many requests to write something on contracts in D/s relationships. I’ll just make a few points here based on my own experience, but remember that there are as many variations of these contracts as there are types of relationships. You can and should do other research (start by googling “BDSM contracts”) and talk to other people. I should also mention that, for whatever reason, the gay male master/slave online community seems to have a wealth of information on contracts and specific relationship arrangements. Find those sources and then adapt their ideas to your own gender preferences, but this seems to be a part of the BDSM community that has really figured out many of these issues very well.

In broad strokes, a contract is a written agreement between the Dominant and his submissive. The contract can be simple or complex. It is not a legally binding agreement, but it could have some bearing in legal action if there are issues later in the relationship, simply by defining the scope of consent in the relationship. Mutual agreement is important, so I think it is worthwhile for the contract to be discussed and agreed upon, with changes being made by both parties, rather than the Dom dictating terms to the sub. No matter what kind of “total submission” fantasy we might have, that fantasy runs up against hard reality. I’ve said it a thousand times on this tumblr, but any BDSM relationship is first and foremost a relationship between two people. That relationship has to work, has to be realistic, has to respect the needs and realities of both parties, and has to be fulfilling for both Dom and sub. Otherwise, there’s really no point.

One thing that might be a little unique about my approach to contracts is that I have always tended to have a quite extensive contract, spelling out all of the details of obligations and responsibilities on both sides. (Yes, Doms, you have a tremendous responsibility to your sub, and she needs to have a clear understanding of what she can expect from you.) Avoid “try to” language (e.g., “The sub will try to do well…”), but rather use clear and simple clauses so that you can see if they were followed or not. This contract is kind of the functional support for the relationship, but then I have a fairly simple list of rules for daily behavior. Changes to the contract take mutual agreement, but changes to the rules (which you can assume will always be within the sub’s limits) can be dictated by the Dom as the relationship matures. Still, a smart Dom will not place unrealistic burdens on a submissive (e.g., “text me every 10 minutes you are awake to tell me I’m awesome”) except in extreme cases and for a limited lengths of time.

Digging a little deeper, here are the specific sections and ideas in a contract format I have found useful:

1. Details of the agreement: length (most have specific start and end date), who is involved.
2. Affirmation: (This is an important section.) The submissive states she is signing this of her own free will and specifically asks that the terms of this contract be enforced for the duration of the contract.
3. Submissive’s responsibilities: essentially, to obey precisely and immediately within her limits. You can put a lot of other things in here, but do not go crazy. Every word of this contract has to be meaningful and you have to intend to enforce every clause. I have also put things like she will maintain an exercise program, willingly accept punishment, forms and modes of address, sexual obligations, that she will prepare her body as I see fit, writing a daily journal, that she will wear a token of her ownership 24/7 if I want her to, and that she will follow my rules and orders.
4. Submissive’s right of refusal: This section covers safewords and what will happen when they are used, and that she has the right to refuse any command or punishment if I am intoxicated. You can put whatever else you want here, but should also specify that, barring these conditions or a breach of her limits, her obedience must be complete.
5. Dominant’s responsibilities: Basically, the Dominant is responsible. That’s the bottom line. The sub gives him her submission and trust, and it is his responsibility to take care of her. This is a very important section, and my contract includes the following: I will never knowingly subject her to physical or emotional harm or abuse. My care, concern and respect for her as a human being are the foundation of everything we have. I will answer any question she asks truthfully (I will never lie to her) or I will decline to answer altogether if I must. I will never deceive her. I will never punish her in anger. I will respect her limits. I will allow her regular periods when she can speak to me as an equal. I will give her care and attention. Again, don’t put anything here you don’t intend to do. She has a very legitimate complaint if she can point to any of these things and say that you are not living up to your end of the bargain.
6. Third parties: Is she required to be available sexually for others? Does she have any rights to have sexual contact outside of your relationship? Who owns any pictures or writing created in your relationship?
7. Limits: We’ve covered this elsewhere. Spell them out here. Clearly.
8. Disagreement and changes to the contract: Mine says that if there’s a disagreement, my interpretation is authoritative, but any change to the contract must be mutually agreed upon.
9. Termination of contract: How will it end? Obviously, it will expire at the pre-specific end date, at which point the parties are free to renegotiate. Are there any other events that could terminate the contract? What if someone moves overseas, is hospitalized, has a major life event, or a family member that requires medical care? Be realistic; she cannot serve under those conditions, nor can you really hold up your end of the contract. It might make sense to have the contract go “oh hold” in those cases, and then start once they are resolved. I have also included a clause that I am free to terminate the contract early if I think it is not working for various reason, but, and this is important, there is also a clause that says if I violate any of her limits or fail in my responsibilities as laid out in the contract, the contract immediately terminates. That’s a pretty serious clause, so think carefully about what you put in the contract, but I feel it is an important protection to offer the submissive.

One more question to consider is “do I need to have a contract?” Obviously, I can’t answer that question, but I will remind you that these relationships can be intense in every way. Having a clear understanding of obligations and responsibilities is a very good idea. The contract does offer the Dom some very minimal legal protection. While it’s not a legal document, it does indicate her desire and consent to the relationship. It also offers the submissive a good deal of protection if it’s done right. She can point to the contract and raise issues about inappropriate behavior on the Dom’s part, and, in extreme cases, can terminate the relationship. (There are still mental and emotional issues to deal with, of course, bu the contract can be an aid and support.) 

I know many of you asked about this months ago, and I’m sorry it took so long to write this post. This post mostly addresses a pretty broad relationship, bordering on total power exchange, but you also can have a contract for more tightly defined relationships. I’m sure few people do it, but if you “only” interact with someone on webcam or via pictures, it still might be a good idea to have a contract. Also, for some reason I wrote this addressed to the Dominant partner (“you”), but I think it’s easy to read between the lines and make it relevant for whatever your situation is. Last, this clearly reflects my gender preference, but I think it should adapt equally well for all variations. I hope you find this interesting and useful. I will leave comments open.

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