#craig tucker

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KENNY:Oh god…

KENNY:Ohhh shit– pick up the damn phone for chrissake– 

TOKEN:Kenny…?

TOKEN: You alright?

KENNY:No I ain’t alright!

KENNY:Karen hung up on me!

TOKEN:Oh…

TOKEN: Does that mean you’re done with my phone, then?

KENNY:N-no, no I gotta try n’ call her again.

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KENNY:Just.

KENNY:Just gimmie a sec, she’s gotta pick up…

TOKEN:Right… take your time, dude..

KENNY:There’s no time to take!

KENNY:She hung up right after she said some damnstrangerwas in the house!

TOKEN:Oh, jeez…

KENNY:God dammit, I think she turned her phone off…!

KENNY:Oh god oh god, what thehell am I gonna do thirty fucking miles out of town?!

TOKEN: It’ll be okay Kenny, I’m sure–

KENNY:No, it’s not gonna be okay! 

KENNY: Who knows who or what is in that house with her, look at where we are right now!

CRAIG:Hey.

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CRAIG:Do you guys wanna shut up,maybe?

CRAIG:You’re distracting me from my shit.

TOKEN:Oh, sorry Craig…

TOKEN:Kenny’s having some issues with Karen, I think.

CRAIG:Uhuh…

CRAIG:I don’t care.

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CRAIG:[grumble grumble]

CRAIG:(Can’t even browse tumblr without someone getting hay shoved up their ass right in front of me…)

CRAIG:(Why are either of them even still awake.)

CRAIG:(Why do I have to be cooped up in a stupid barn with all these people right now…)

CRAIG:(Why is–)

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CRAIG: 

CRAIG:Whhhh…

CRAIG:W–

CRAIG:That’s m–

CRAIG:That’s my blog.

CRAIG:This is on my blog.

CRAIG:Th–

CRAIG:

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CRAIG:WHAT IS THIS SHIT DOING ON MY BLOG???

CRAIG:I–

KENNY:Craig???

KENNY:What’s the matter, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you yell so loud in your life!

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STAN:Yeah, shut the hell up over there, some of us are trying to sleep.

CRAIG:…Y…you shut up…!

CRAIG:Fuck your sleep, I have a problem!

STAN:Yeah, I know, we kind of got teleported here by a freaking demon, dude.

STAN:We’veall got problems right now, you’re not special.

CRAIG:I’ll kick your ass!

STAN:Go ahead, it’s already facing right towards you.

STAN: I’ll even wiggle it a little to make it a moving target, if you wanna make a game out of it.

CRAIG:WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

TOKEN: Jesus, dude, what’s wrong?

CRAIG:Besides Stan Marsh being as stupid as ever?!

KENNY:We mean what the hell made you yell so loud, dude???

CRAIG:Oh, I’ll tell you!

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CRAIG: This guy is posting shitty selfies of himself on my blog!

CRAIG:MY blog, and he has the audacity to post them with–

CRAIG:W-with…

CRAIG:Withhim sitting right next to him like it’s nothing!

CRAIG:There’s a circus in my house and I’ll bet you money it was that stupid Tweek demon guy who led us all away so they could party it up in my room!

CRAIG:We should have never let that stupid goat take us all the way out here.

CRAIG:Now they’re all fiddling with my shit and probably having a laugh about it, look at him in this picture!

CRAIG:Look at who’s in the fucking picture with him!!!

KENNY: OH GOD…

CRAIG:Oh god is right!

CRAIG:They’re messing with all my shit!!!

CRAIG: I’m freaking the hell out!

CRAIG:I’m so fucking close to kiCKING STAN’S STUPID ASS STOP SHAKING YOUR BUTT AROUND YOU FUCKING DELIRIATE.

STAN:maybe shut up first lol

KENNY:OH MY GOD, KAREN!

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KENNY:SHE SAID SHE WAS HANGING OUT WITH YOUR SISTER IN YOUR HOUSE, CRAIG.

KENNY:SHE HUNG UP AND WON’T ANSWER MY CALLS!

TOKEN: They tried to chuck us all off the side of a bridge, who knows what they could be doing right now?!

CRAIG:TOUCHING MY SHIT IS WHAT THEY’RE DOING!!!

CRAIG:Touching my shit, putting pictures of themselves and Thomas’s corpse sitting in my bedroom!

TOKEN: Craig, I think this is a little more important than them touching your computer!

TOKEN:They could have hurt your guys’ sisters!

CRAIG:BUT LOOK AT WHAT HE POSTED ON MY BLOG!!!!!

KENNY:Craig, I know it’s probably goddamn traumatizing to see that shit right now!!!

KENNY:I know it’s hard for you to grasp this sorta thing during a meltdown.

KENNY:I’msorry you’re having a difficult time with all of this crap, but there’s people actually in danger in your house right now, man!

CRAIG: Don’t tell me I’m having a meltdown!

TOKEN: Oh my god,okay–

TOKEN:Kenny, let’s just pull ourselves away for a minute here.

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CRAIG:Don’t turn your backs on me like that!!!

TOKEN:JustignoreCraig for a second.

TOKEN: There’s demons in Craig’s house, Karen and Craig’s sister are in Craig’s house– what do you think should be done?

TOKEN: What can we possibly do from here?

KENNY: I ain’t got a damn clue!

KENNY:Wegotta get someone over there to help them out!

TOKEN: Okay, well maybe that isn’t such a good idea?

TOKEN:We’ve seen what they can do, right?

TOKEN:Is it smart to drag someone else into this?

KENNY: Token, you don’t have a freakin’ sister, you don’t know what this is like.

TOKEN:Okay.You’re right.

TOKEN:But I don’t know if–

KENNY:Wait.

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TOKEN: What is it, man?

KENNY: I know exactly who to call.

KENNY:Ain’t no way he’s tangled all up in this mess yet, neither.

KENNY:Won’t gonna get his ass whooped neither.

TOKEN:Okay, well who’s that?

KENNY:My boyfriend.

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DOGPOO: snrrk nsnzznnzzzzzzzzzzz…,.

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[ ♫ I’M A BARBIE GIRL, IN A BARBIE WORLD ♫ ]

[ ♫ LIFE IN PLASTIC, IT’S FANTASTIC ♫ ]

DOGPOO:fhnfnhmmghfghg

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DOGPOO:[yawn]

DOGPOO:An unknown caller disrupting my sleep, now…?

DOGPOO:Justwho on earth could be calling me at this devilish hour of the night…?

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DOGPOO:Mmhhello–

KENNY:Hushpuppy stain in the rug, we got some demon huntin’ to do!

KENNY:Grab yer damn shooter n’ get ready to pump lead!!!

DOGPOO:KENNY???

KENNY:Damn right!

DOGPOO:DEMON HUNTING?

DOGPOO: Y’AIN’T PULLIN ME, ARE YOU NOW?

KENNY: Hell no, I ain’t whistlin’ no dixie over here, I’m a gallon o’ gas aways from town and the fuckin’ devil’s stampin’ his hooves in town!

KENNY: Get your red ryder and get ready to shoot some damn eyes out!

DOGPOO: You soundoh so serious, I hardly recognize the tone, honeypot!

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DOGPOO: Your words shot me wide awake quicker than the smell of pie in the morning, I just can’t resist a shootin’ with you!

KENNY:I’m serious!

KENNY: I’m cooped up in a barn outta town, and there’s demons runnin’ amok with my damn sister out there!

KENNY: She’s up in a heap of danger and I ain’t got nobody in the world I’d trust more than youto keep her safe right now.

KENNY:Never been more serious in my life, ragamuffin.

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DOGPOO:Oh.

DOGPOO:Karen’s caught in the throes of the devil, is she now?

DOGPOO:Seems we really ain’t playing rockahorse.

KENNY: I don’t joke around when it comes to who I love, don’t go reckonin’ I’d do it to you.

DOGPOO: I see.

DOGPOO:Well then, I’d be duller than the heel of my boot if I didn’t think I could do something about that, wouldn’t I?

DOGPOO: A demon or two doesn’t quite sound like nothin’ a shell can’t handle.

KENNY:Dogpoo, these are serious folks you’re gonna be ditzin’ around with.

KENNY:Damn near chucked me n’ my friends off a bridge a couple hours back.

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DOGPOO:I still don’t see the issue here, darlin’.

DOGPOO:You might have death’s hand hovering your shoulder, but one look at me and they’ll be wishing they were busy chopping onionsinstead.

DOGPOO:I’ll get your sister out of the slick, just you wait.

KENNY:Alright. I trust you, mudskip.

KENNY: You’re the rankest varmint this side of Colorado, if anybody’s gonna get them runnin’, it’s you.

DOGPOO: A threat is nothing more than a man who’s pride is in his hands, not his skin.

KENNY:You really grabbin’ your shotty, yeah?

DOGPOO: Would you expect anythingless after you’ve excited me so?

DOGPOO:I’ve got an itchy finger just beggin’ for a trigger to pull now.

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KENNY:Okay, good. 

KENNY:But keep them earholeswide for me, water nugget.

KENNY:You gotta be real damn careful.

DOGPOO: I believe we’ve been over this already, Kenny.

DOGPOO:Am I to understand you’re doubting my abilities here?

KENNY:Not at all.

KENNY: These people ain’t just strangers, though.

KENNY:Well, most of them, anyhoo.

KENNY:Youwillknow one of them, for sure.

KENNY:I ain’t got a clue on how many of them are there, but they’re all stuck up in Tucker’s house.

KENNY:Stick your barrel in the nose of any horned bastard you so damn please, but for the love of all mighty…

KENNY:Don’t let that poor bastard Thomas stick around them.

DOGPOO: You’ll need to be more specific than that,sweetie pie.

DOGPOO:There’s a few Thomas’ in this town that come to mind off of the top of my head.

KENNY:Look, I ain’t gonna dilly dally here– you’ll know what I mean if you see ‘em. 

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DOGPOO: Alright, so your shopping list here’s one Karen, one Thomas, and a face o’ lead for a demon or two, huh?

KENNY:Craig’s sister’s there with Karen.

DOGPOO:Only logical, considering what residence I’m being pointed off to.

KENNY:I don’t care what’s done.

KENNY:Just get those kids outta there.

DOGPOO:Anything for you, sunshine.

DOGPOO:Ain’t a day where you can’t count on me.

KENNY: I know.

KENNY:I love you.

DOGPOO:Love you too.

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DOGPOO: Well, I suppose there isn’t anything like a two AM witch hunt…

DOGPOO: Oh, poor Kenny… whatever have you gotten yourself into this time.

Greetings, I figured it rather rude of me to not introduce myself to you all after obtaining this bl

Greetings,

I figured it rather rude of me to not introduce myself to you all after obtaining this blog from its previous owner, so I’d like to tell you all a little bit about my life, since I’ve only just now figured out how this confounded webcam works!

My name is Gregory! I am 190cm, cis male (pronouns he/him), my favourite color is blue, and I’m a lucky friend of four unique individuals from Hell.

While we’re all on rocky terms now that we’ve breached the surface, I believe we will find pleasant ground and regroup stronger than ever within the coming hours. I’ve created an image of them alongside myself for you all to see.

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Currently with me, residing within the previous owner of this blog’s household, are my two beloved friends Estella and Thomas. They are on either sides of me in the image shown above. While the other two have gone off to do whatever nonsense they wish to get themselves involved in, us three have decided to take a small retreat for the night. 

Right now, we find ourselves waiting for Thomas to revive his fatally wounded body after he had suffered a most unfortunate incident earlier in the night. This will be his first time reviving, so I find myself rather nervous awaiting this recovery. I can’t say it’s a very pleasant experience, but I hope that awakening to the familiar faces of his friends will help soften the experience for him.

Now, you may be wondering, “Why on earth are you all on this weblog, when you do not even own the account it resides on?!” Or perhaps you are wondering why the previous owner has handed the rights over to me. The answer is simple. I let myself on.

The previous owner of this blog– Craig Tucker– has become a thorn in my hindquarters, alongside the rest of his podunk friends. He’s unwittingly left his home computer on and logged into this silly little website, and I’ve decided to take advantage of this opportunity. He’s not said very nice things about my friends, and though I don’t expect any form of graciousness for myself, the hate he directs towards the others I find rather absurd.

It has me wondering if his other friends have their own foolishly insipid weblogs of their own. Are they saying things about us in poor taste as well? What, pray tell, has someone like Thomas or even Tweek done to deserve such scorn, if so? If it is anything like the logs of Craig Tucker, they surely have met no mercy.

Just to make this fair, though, and to show that I am a better owner of this “blog,” so Estella tells me it’s called, I have constructed another image. This time, of Craig and his friends. If I talk of them just as I talk of my friends, it is only right if I give them an artistic rendering as well, no?

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I ran out of room for the fat one, excuse his crudeness. However I feel as though I’ve granted him more justice than his appearance is worth. No matter– he’s been possibly the least of my worries out of the seven. It’s funny how things change over time. He was always much more troublesome as a kid than he seems as a young adult.

As for the rest, they’re all far more irritating than when I last saw them. I’m fairly sure I smelled the devil’s lettuce on Stan Marsh when I confronted him earlier, which is hilarious. How low his life must have sank in the past several years…

However, I don’t wish to ramble on about these fools. That is not my intent for this log. My intent here is to share with you all my face and presence, so you’re aware of the current state of your beloved Craig’s blog. Know that I am not about to suspend activity on this account, nor am I about to leave you all in the dark by discontinuing the steady flow of updates. I am sure some of you are a little miffed by the fact that this blog now has a new owner, but I am taking terrific care of it, and I would not disregard any complaints, if you have any to offer.

I’ve noted that this blog has rather gained traction since my taking, actually. Once I figured out how this website worked, I found that the subscriber count had jumped from 15 people to 18 people. How enthralling! I hope my content continues to entertain you all.

Expect more in the coming hours, as I will keep you updated on our current status, as well as share more of my friends stories with you all. Far better than the hate that has been spread on this blog thus far, right?

This is Gregory Wolfgang Bellarose III, sending my “captain’s log” off to you.


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GREGORY:Oh my, seems Craig’s little online army doesn’t have a care at all that I’ve taken command of his weblog.

GREGORY: Estella, there are people who are actually curious about thetrueside of things, would you believe that?

ESTELLA:Are youreally fiddling around with that stupid thing over there?

ESTELLA:Of course you couldn’t hold back from sating your bloated ego, you needed electronic strangers to help inflate it even further, you limp, detached and wounded tail of a diseased lizard.

GREGORY:Goodness, there are questions regarding both you and I, you know.

GREGORY:I haven’t so much as talked about myself at all, mind you.

ESTELLA:Why are there people attempting to talk to me through that device.

ESTELLA:Are you truly so stupid as to inform everybody of our whereabouts?

GREGORY:Heavens,no.

GREGORY:Just having some fun, is all.

GREGORY:You should join me with this one, spare yourself a moment why don’t you.

ESTELLA:Ugh, if it will get you off my back, fine.

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GREGORY: Now this one asks what our impression of each of those incessant dullards Craig calls friends is.

ESTELLA: All of them are as stale and boring as a long forgotten water biscuit fallen beneath a dumpster.

GREGORY:Right you are.

ESTELLA:Can I get back to what I was doing, now?

GREGORY:Not quite, I think I’d fancy tearing down the walls of each individual here.

GREGORY: It’s only fair that these curious strangers get their just earful.

ESTELLA:[sigh]

ESTELLA:If you insist.

GREGORY: I suppose we might as well start with the most likely focus of interest, the original owner of this log.

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GREGORY:Craig.

GREGORY:You know originally, I didn’t have all too much of an issue with this brain dead husk of a man.

GREGORY: I told him.

GREGORY:If he doesn’tfuckwith me, I would have no qualms against him.

ESTELLA:And yet here you are, still plucking splinters from the backside of your head.

GREGORY:I could tell he was going to be a problem from the start, I just figured he’d be too slow and careless to be much of an actualthreat.

ESTELLA:I’d almost say it’s adorable how angry you are over such a nuisance of a boy; But you’refartoo revolting to ever be adorable, so I will just say it’s amusing.

GREGORY:

GREGORY: I don’t like him.

GREGORY:I’ll leave it at that.

ESTELLA:I couldn’t care less for that gelatinous clump of blue ink.

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GREGORY:I suppose next would be his subordinate friend– Clyde, is it?

GREGORY:The one you stupidly chose to take control of.

GREGORY: Over just about any othercandidate.

ESTELLA:Ido not need to be reminded.

ESTELLA:He was simply the most emotionally compromised at the time.

GREGORY: It’s become clear that’s just how he always is.

ESTELLA: You sure took your oh so pleasant time getting me out of that putrid cauldron of body odor and unpleasantly placed hair.

ESTELLA:He’s quite revolting when he’s all alone, do you know this?

GREGORY:Do you mean… more so than you find othermen to be, or…

ESTELLA:Yes, I do mean more so.

ESTELLA: You have no idea the things I had to sit through with that horrid, small manhooded caveman.

GREGORY:I’m sure.

GREGORY:I have no real feelings towards him either way, though he seems a little too keen on Tweek for my liking.

GREGORY:Or, I should say, Tweekseems a little too trusting of him.

GREGORY: So in turn, I am not too fond of him, either.

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GREGORY:Now, the one I find the most tolerable of the bunch is certainly Token.

GREGORY:I remember him well from when I was still alive.

GREGORY:Truly, if there were anybody to rival Wendy and I’s intellectual abilities together, it would be him.

ESTELLA: Well, he did throw all of us under the bus by telling Damien exactlywhat we’ve been up to on the surface, so I do not think I canpossiblysee him in the same light as you.

GREGORY: Oh, well I suppose there is that.

ESTELLA: Other than that, I find him a rather boring, simple minded individual.

ESTELLA:He could die the most foul and upsetting death imaginable, and I would not think any different of him– same goes for the rest of those boys.

GREGORY: Mm, well, I still think I find him the most bearable of the bunch.

ESTELLA:If you say so, you blood-drunk man loving tick.

ESTELLA: Let’s talk about the best of the bunch, why don’t we?

GREGORY: Oh? Do you suddenly have a favorite?

ESTELLA:Why yes Ido.

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ESTELLA:Stan, of course.

GREGORY:Oh.Him.

GREGORY:That thick-headed, good for nothing drain on society…

GREGORY:That’s who your favorite is?

ESTELLA:Yes indeed.

ESTELLA:I just love it when the real you comes out.

ESTELLA:Look at you now. Can’t help your horns from showing, you’re just soupset that anybody could possibly like that van-hit skunk.

ESTELLA:As if I’d actuallyenjoy him any more than the other bloody idiots.

GREGORY: There are few people more deserving of hell than Stan Marsh.

ESTELLA:I could think of many, but if you take such offense to your own personal death, I won’t stop you from thinking of that.

ESTELLA:My, you’re so much more pleasant to be around when you’re angry…

ESTELLA:My opinion of him is rather neutral, but he’s a man so there isn’t much about him that’s favorable anyways.

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GREGORY: Let’s talk about his counterpart instead.

ESTELLA:And who would that be?

GREGORY:Kyle.

GREGORY:The bloke with the ugly green ushanka.

ESTELLA:Oh,thatcollapsed anal cavity of a sewer rat.

ESTELLA:The opinionated one who thinks his insufferably bland words actually matter.

ESTELLA: Rather rich, but that’s all I can give him.

GREGORY:He’s always thought of himself as some sort of martyr of first world problems.

GREGORY:I’m sure if he wasn’t so full of himself he’d be less of a drain to talk to.

ESTELLA:Funny, that’s how I feel about you.

ESTELLA:You’re really just describing yourself, you know.

GREGORY: When I fight for justice, I’m not doing it to make myself feel good.

GREGORY:I do it for those who cannot take action themselves.

ESTELLA:Oh, I’m sure youlovetotell yourself that.

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GREGORY:Speaking of selfish drains…

GREGORY:It truly shows how utterly stupid all of Stan’s friends are, still hanging around that tub of lard Eric.

ESTELLA:He didn’t really speak much while I was around, so all he is to me is another worthless sausage on a rusted old pan.

GREGORY: All I saw was that he still looks like he’s 10, and certainly still soundslike it.

ESTELLA:Smells like it, too.

GREGORY:I never did like the boy, he completely ruined an entire covert operation, you know?

GREGORY:Directly caused the death of a fellow comrade.

GREGORY:Of course we were all turned back before the war, thus nullifying all of our actions henceforth, but it still stands that the old paranoid fool he killed never quite was the same.

ESTELLA: Oh, let’s not start thisconversation again.

ESTELLA: You talked my ear off for days on end the last time I decided to indulge in your simplistic babblings of self-perceived hardship.

GREGORY:Though who I find most interesting throughout all of what we went through was who really saved us all in the end.

GREGORY:I hadn’t seen all too much of him beforehand, yet he sacrificed himself for the entire town over in the end.

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GREGORY:ThatKennyfellow…

GREGORY:You know, despite spiking me over the head with that lawn ornament earlier, I don’t really have too harsh a thought on him.

GREGORY:I blame Tweek and Thomas for not warning me more than anything, really.

GREGORY:There’s something about him that seemed all too familiar, though, even as a young adult now…

ESTELLA:I am taking advantage of the fact that you look like you’re lost in your tiny, hollowed out peanut shell of a brain to say that I am leaving now.

ESTELLA:There are better things to attend to.

GREGORY: I can’t even remember how he came back from the dead, he just appeared one day, good as new.

GREGORY:I never knew the original ruler of hell personally, only his son of course, but perhaps there was some sort of additional deal made for him to return to the land of the living once more?

GREGORY: Honestly, this perplexes me severely now that I think about it, and I can’t believe I’ve not thought about it more until now.

GREGORY:Needless to say, this one’s an interesting individual, to say the least.

GREGORY:Definitely not one I’d think to trust any time soon, however. He’s far too… suspicious of a person…

GREGORY:Hmm…

GREGORY:Well– that’s all of them I suppose.

GREGORY: Though, hmm…

GREGORY:I could have sworn Craig’s friends had one more on their team…?

GREGORY: I wonder where they could be in all of this mess.

GREGORY: …These are quite fun, I think I may indulge myself in a few more…

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GREGORY: I haven’t a clue how we’ll deal with those two poor girls in the other room…

ESTELLA:We leave them be.

ESTELLA:They won’t be coming out any time soon with their door handle melted, anyhow.

GREGORY: Lord, I hardly believe it’s you talking.

GREGORY:I’m surprised you didn’t throw them out a window just for looking at you.

ESTELLA:Oh,so rich coming from the splinter-filled buffoon who nearly crushed entire families in some futile chase.

ESTELLA: If we’ve to be so under cover like you said, why are houses upon houses layered in that horrid black ooze of yours? Hmm?

GREGORY: Sorry I forgot I was talking to the paragon of virtue herself.

GREGORY:As if you wouldn’t have done the same thing or worse in my situation.

ESTELLA:Oh please, I wouldn’t be nearly as uncoordinated or filled with unneeded emotion like you.

GREGORY:I’m rolling my eyes at you, you know.

ESTELLA:I’m sure.

ESTELLA: Speaking of unneeded emotion, however…

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ESTELLA:Explain to me, you bloodied menstrual pad of an ill-kept lady, whyyou insist on propping that body up like it’s still alive?

GREGORY:What, would you rather him splayed out on the floor when he comes back?

ESTELLA: I think it would let him know he shouldn’t be happy with his choices today.

ESTELLA: If he hadn’t been such a selfless, love-stricken twat, we wouldn’t be in this mess.

GREGORY:That may be, but we’re here now, and he’ll be back soon.

GREGORY:The least we can do for him is grant him some decency.

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ESTELLA: Mm, how typical of you to say.

GREGORY:Oh come on, you can’t say you don’t pity him at least a littlebit?

GREGORY:This would be his first time regenerating.

GREGORY:Wouldn’t you wish the same for yours?

ESTELLA:I don’t thrive off of pity, as much as you wish I would.

ESTELLA:He could wake up at the floor of a cold, empty seabed and nobody but you and that imp would give a damn.

GREGORY:I get it, you’re as cold and empty as the very depths you speak of.

GREGORY:With my mind on the cold, though…

GREGORY:Itis rather cold in here, now that I think about it…

ESTELLA:We’ve spent nearly a decade in hell, you should welcome it.

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GREGORY:Well, I’m sure this poor sap would at least enjoy an extra layer or two.

ESTELLA:He’s animp, you vanilla monkey shit sundae.

ESTELLA:He’s exerts far more heat than necessary already.

ESTELLA:Lest you’re planning to burn this whole structure to the ground?

GREGORY: Just because he feelswarm doesn’t mean he iswarm.

GREGORY:At least he’ll wake up knowing someone cares, you crotchety old hag.

ESTELLA:

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ESTELLA: Well, I’m sure he’d be so glad to wake up in someone else’s clothes.

ESTELLA: Of all people’s clothes, especially, you choose the very piss-filled, disease-ridden pit of a person that’s been causing all of his issues from day one.

ESTELLA: My, how thoughtfulof you.

GREGORY: Oh, just because your life’s been squandered of any loving relationship doesn’t mean his has.

GREGORY:If I didn’t know better, I’d find you quite jealous he could hold feelings long enough to be willing to die for another.

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ESTELLA: I don’t recall walking into a therapy room, Bellarose.

GREGORY: And I don’t recall asking for your judgement on what I choose to do, Havisham.

ESTELLA:I bet you’d love for me say touché, wouldn’t you?

GREGORY: I wouldn’t expect it from you at this point.

GREGORY:Too eager to defy any man who dares say a word around you.

ESTELLA:Would you quit it with your therapist act, you blubber of a whale’s anus?

ESTELLA: And stop playing dress up with that damned corpse.

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GREGORY:[sigh]

GREGORY:Fine.

GREGORY:Isuppose you’re right.

GREGORY:Undressing a dead man’s shirt is certainly not something I’d like to recall doing later on in life.

ESTELLA: You have at least one brain cell in that musty, endless pit of a head, I see.

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ESTELLA:Now are you planning on helping with this mess, or are you too busy thinking of the next person you wish to place your meaningless pity upon?

GREGORY: Oh as if you’d need myhelp.

GREGORY:If I recall, you spent the majority of your time walking here telling me not to interfere.

GREGORY:It’s not as if I’ve been dead longer than you.

ESTELLA:How long you’ve been deceased doesn’t suddenly grant you the ability to know how to close a portal to hell, you know.

ESTELLA:Don’tthinkyou have any sort of superiority over me just for being dead a few months longer than I, you regurgitated, corrosive waste of a vulture’s innards.

ESTELLA:I could use a few hands, regardless of how useless you may be.

ESTELLA: So stop wallowing on about how comfortable a dead body should be and help me.

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GREGORY:Close it yourself you leather-skinned snake.

ESTELLA:Oh what’s the matter now?

ESTELLA:You’reso ridiculously soft-centered, you know that?

GREGORY:I don’t need your opinion on everything I decide to care about right now!

GREGORY:As if I’d ever want criticism from someone as pathetically try-hard as you, anyhow.

ESTELLA: It’s not like you haven’t been doing the same thing to me, you psychoanalyzing, waterlog-brained dolt.

ESTELLA:Go on then! I don’t need your help.

ESTELLA: Like always, I won’t be letting my feelings get in the way of what needs to be done.

GREGORY: Uhuh, you go ahead and do that!

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ESTELLA:I will!

GREGORY:

GREGORY:Hm…

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GREGORY:You know, computers screens have gotten quite thinner since I’ve died.

ESTELLA:Is that really what you choose to think about now?

ESTELLA: After what we just spoke of?

ESTELLA:Howsimple-minded of you.

GREGORY:Well I had no choice but to look away from you, to the only thing of actual interest in this room.

GREGORY:I can’t see how this boy lives in such a tasteless room…

GREGORY:Though…

GREGORY:Hm…

GREGORY:Actually, Estella…

ESTELLA:What is it now,you walking disease of a man?

GREGORY:Looking at this computer…

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GREGORY:I haven’t a clue what this site is.

GREGORY:But… what’son it is… quite interesting…

ESTELLA:In what way?

ESTELLA:I’m far too busy with less nonsensical matters to come over and look, you dirty, petrified oaf.

GREGORY:Well…

GREGORY:For as little as this man speaks, he sure seems louder online.

GREGORY:It’s… almost as if Craig wants to lead us right to him…

ESTELLA: Yes, I’m sure he left his computer on exactly for this revelation of yours.

GREGORY:Well then. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I played around with his little site during our down time here.

ESTELLA:How ever so productive of you.

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TOKEN:zzz.z..zz…….,.z.,

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PHONE:*fucking buzzes*

TOKEN:mhmgngh .h guh…

TOKEN:Huh…

TOKEN: Damn… I fell asleep…

TOKEN: Who’s even calling me–

TOKEN: Oh it’s Nichole.

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TOKEN:Hey, babe…

NICHOLE:Token!

NICHOLE:Hi.

NICHOLE: Oh no, are you falling asleep?

TOKEN:No… I promise, I’m awake.

NICHOLE:Okaysure, sle py head.

TOKEN:Mmh…

TOKEN: Is everything alright?

NICHOLE:Um…

NICHOLE:Iguess?

NICHOLE:I don’t kn w.

TOKEN:What doesthatmean.

NICHOLE:Ummmm… I think I’ll explain it when we’re at the farm.

NICHOLE:I just want d to call you and let you know we’re abo t thirty or four y minutes out still?

NICHOLE:How d d you guys even get so  far?

NICHOLE: We saw y ur car on th  way out of town…

NICHOLE:It was still in flames!

TOKEN: One of the guys… like… poofed us here…

NICHOLE: “Poofed?”

NICHOLE: “One of the guys?” Your fri nds???

NICHOLE:Baby you g tta make more s nse than that.

TOKEN:No… like…

TOKEN:Agood…demon.

TOKEN: Or I guess he said he wasn’t a demon…like…

TOKEN: I dunno.

TOKEN: He helped take us here and then left.

NICHOLE:Je us, and yo  ju t trustedhim?

TOKEN:Notreally…

TOKEN: He was just really bent on helping us…

NICHOLE: Th t’s re ll  w

TOKEN: Babe… you’re starting to cut out…

NICHOLE: I k ow, w  re go  g t rou   th  mou   i s…

NICHOLE:W ’l   e t ere s  n.

NICHOLE: I  ove y u.

TOKEN: I love you too…

TOKEN:See you soon.

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TOKEN:[yawn]

TOKEN:Man…

TOKEN:How am I supposed to stay up this late…

TOKEN:Today’s been so wild…

KENNY:Hey, uh, Token?

TOKEN:Mn…?

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KENNY:How’s Nichole and the others?

KENNY:Not to, like… eavesdrop or anything…

TOKEN:Mm, it sounds like they’re scared…

KENNY:Makes sense.

TOKEN:She said they’re about half an hour out still.

KENNY:Damn. Sure you won’t fall asleep before then?

TOKEN: Yeah I’m gonna try and stay awake.

TOKEN: Shouldn’t be too hard.

KENNY:I feel that.

TOKEN:What about you?

TOKEN:What has you so wide awake?

TOKEN: Just about everybody but Craig is asleep now.

KENNY:Yeahhh…

KENNY: I guess I just can’t sleep.

KENNY:Got stuff on my mind.

TOKEN: Yeah, don’t we all…

KENNY: Heheh, yeah.

KENNY: So, um.

KENNY: I was just wondering, since Craig wouldn’tdarelet me– and considerin’ how he’s feeling, I don’t blame him–

KENNY:Could I borrow your phone?

TOKEN:My phone?

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KENNY:Yeah.

KENNY: I’ve been feeling pretty bad about today.

KENNY: I kinda had a manicure appointment scheduled.

TOKEN:A– A manicure?

KENNY:Karen.

KENNY: You know how she paints my nails and such.

TOKEN:Oh, right.

KENNY:Yeah, I got her a new color and she was real excited to try it out.

KENNY:Promised her I’d help her test it.

KENNY:Also considering everything that went on back in town, I’m also just a lil worried in general.

TOKEN: That’s understandable.

KENNY: I sure hope it is!

KENNY: But um.

KENNY:Yeah, could I give her a quick call?

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TOKEN:Of course, dude.

TOKEN:Take your time.

KENNY:God,thank you.

KENNY: Times like these I wish my phone wasn’t long busted, y’know?

TOKEN: I really don’t.

KENNY: Haha, yeah, you wouldn’t.

TOKEN: Do you think she’d even be up this late?

TOKEN: We have school tomorrow and all…

KENNY: Oh, probably.

KENNY: If my parents are awake this late– which they definitely are– she’d be awake too.

TOKEN: Alright, well… 

TOKEN: Like I said, take your time.

KENNY: Thanks dude!

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KAREN:I totally didn’t even expect that, like!

KAREN:That show is so good with being really realistic, but also keeping the suspense up that makes you all “oh my gosh, who did it…?”

KAREN: Not that either of those really have to be sacrificed for the other, just!!!

KAREN: I like the show a lot. I like watching it with you.

KAREN:Would you maybe wanna watch more tomorrow after sch–

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KAREN:?

TRICIA:Wow, who’s calling you this late at night?

KAREN:Oh…

KAREN:Maybe my parents…?

KAREN: I don’t know if I should ignore it or if they’d be more mad if I didn’t take it…

TRICIA:I’m surprised they even noticed you were gone.

KAREN: Yeah… I–

KAREN:I better just take it.

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KAREN:Um… hello?

KENNY:Hey Karen!

KAREN:Oh!

KAREN:Kenny?

KENNY: In the fleshphone.

KAREN:How are you calling me?

KAREN:Isn’t your phone broken?

KENNY: Yeah, borrowing a friends.

KENNY:How are you?

KAREN:I’m okay– um.

KAREN:Are you okay?

KAREN: Where are you?

KAREN:You didn’t come home from your friends so I just thought you didn’t want to be home tonight, or…

KENNY:No, no trust me, I wanna be home more than anything.

KAREN: That’s the first time I think I’ve ever heard you say that.

KENNY:Haha.

KENNY: Well I just wanted to say I kinda got caught up in some weird sh– some weird stuff.

KENNY: I didn’t mean to skip out on nail painting.

KENNY: I’ll make it up to you tomorrow, I promise.

KAREN:Oh, well um…

KAREN:I kind of already painted my nails…

KENNY:Oh.

KENNY:Well… how do they look!

KAREN:Good! Tricia helped me.

KENNY:Tricia,huh?

KENNY: Did y’go and see her tonight?

KAREN:Maybe…

KENNY:Hey, beats home.

KAREN:Totally.

KENNY: Well, tell Tricia that Craig says he loves her and wishes he could be there to keep her safe.

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KAREN:Oh… r… really?

KAREN:Tricia, Kenny said that… *Craig* said that… he loves you? And wishes he were… home to keep you safe?

KAREN: I don’t really know why he’d be saying that.

TRICIA:Um, ask him what he’s on and then tell him I hate him.

KAREN: I’m not gonna say that!!!

TRICIA: He’s literally across the hallway from me, why is he being weird.

TRICIA: Why is your brother telling us this.

KAREN:Oh… yeah, um–

KAREN:Kenny, Craig is already home in his room.

KAREN: Did he tell you this earlier?

KAREN:Is everything okay?

KENNY:No, no, Craig’s here with me and the guys.

KAREN:Tricia, my brother says Craig is hanging out with Kenny.

TRICIA:Um,no?

TRICIA: I just heard his door close like two minutesago.

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KAREN: Kenny, Tricia’s pretty sure Craig is home.

KENNY:Hesuperisn’t.

KENNY: Craig, say hi.

CRAIG:Don’t tell Tricia I love her tell her what thefuckis wrong with you.

KENNY:See?

KENNY:Wait–

KENNY:Karen,is there someone else in the house with you guys?

KAREN:Um, just her parents… but they went to sleep a few hours ago.

KENNY:Karen…

KENNY: Whoever’s messing around in Craig’s room is notCraig.

KENNY:We’re nearly fourty miles out of town at Stan’s farm.

KAREN:Huh…?

KENNY:

KENNY:Lock the door and turn off the light.

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KAREN:Tricia, Kenny says we need to lock the door because…

KAREN:Um.

KAREN:There might be someone in the house… with us…

TRICIA:That’s bullshit.

KAREN:But–

TRICIA:This is a prank.

KAREN:Kenny wouldn’t play a trick on me…

TRICIA:Yeah, and Craig’s too boring, but his friends aren’t.

TRICIA:They’re probablyallin on this.

KAREN: But… maybe we should still listen?

TRICIA: No, that’s what they want us to do.

KAREN: I don’t–

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TRICIA: Trust me, it’ll be fine.

TRICIA:They’re just trying to scare us.

TRICIA: We can’t let them get to us.

KAREN:T-Trish–

KAREN: Wh-what if it is someone else in the house?

KAREN: What do– what do we do???

KAREN:I’m scared…!

TRICIA:Karen, if it reallyis someone bad, I’ll protect you.

TRICIA:I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.

KAREN:

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TRICIA:(Just stay quiet…)

TRICIA: (They’re probably expecting to hear us…)

TRICIA: (Turn your phone down, I can hear your brother yelling on the other side.)

KAREN:(U-um… okay…)

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TRICIA:

TRICIA:See?

TRICIA:I knew it.

TRICIA:They’re just trying to fucking scare us.

KAREN:Is that Craig?

TRICIA:Too short to be Craig, probably their idiot friend Clyde or something.

TRICIA:HEY!

TRICIA:You’re not tricking us.

TRICIA: Stop shitting on our night you freaks, get a life!

KAREN: T-Tricia, your parentsaresleeping–

TRICIA: They’re heavy sleepers, trust me–

TRICIA:Are you listening to me? Get the fuck out of here and don’t try and scare Karen again.

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TRICIA: I’ll kick ALLyour asses if you d…

TRICIA: If you don’t… g…

KAREN & TRICIA:a…

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GREGORY & ESTELLA: 

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TRICIA:Okay maybe your brother was right.

KAREN: T-T-Tricia I think th- I think we should close th–

KAREN:We sh-should close the door, I, um. Um.

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TRICIA:Yeah.

TRICIA:Yeah.

TRICIA:Okay.

TRICIA:Tell your brother sorry and hang up.

TRICIA:We’ll lock the door.

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KAREN: K-Kenny um.

KAREN: Yeah there’s someone else here.

KAREN:Sorry.

KAREN: I love you.

KAREN:Talk to you soon.

KENNY:Wait– K–

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CRAIG: All my friends arehere.

CRAIG:All of my friends are stuck up inside this stupid barn because some fuckingweirdotold us to.

TOKEN:What are you going on about over there, Craig?

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CRAIG: These people keep saying to call someone outside to come and help us, but literally all of us are trapped in here.

CRAIG: And frankly, I don’t think calling anybody like mysister will do much good either, so that’s pretty much all my options right now.

CRAIG: Not that I’m in the mood to talk to anybody anyways–

TOKEN: It’s cool dude, it’s cool. Don’t sweat it.

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TOKEN: I mean…

TOKEN: I guess we could try calling someone like Wendy…

TOKEN: She tends to be pretty smart and she’d probably take this seriously if I said I wasn’t joking…

TOKEN:Or…

TOKEN:Oh!

CRAIG:What.

TOKEN:I could call Nichole!

TOKEN: I’m pretty sure she said she was hanging out with Wendy and Bebe and stuff tonight.

CRAIG: Yeah sure dude, a bunch of chicks can help this situation, I’m sure.

TOKEN: I’m gonna ignore that comment because I’m sure you’re just grumpy right now.

CRAIG:You’re damn right I am, I’m stuck up in a fucking cold, duck-shit filled barn with Stan and his friends.

TOKEN:[sigh]

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NICHOLE:Oh my gosh, guys, after we’re done do you wanna watch a movie or something?

WENDY: Sure, I’d be down!

WENDY: We only have a couple of keypoints left on the syllabus to go through before we’re done–

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WENDY:Oh!

WENDY: Who’s calling you so late in the night, Nichole?

NICHOLE:Umm…

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NICHOLE:Oh! It’s Token.

NICHOLE: Can I answer, or are we too busy?

BEBE:Ohhhhh my god, Nichole, we’re never too busy for Token.

BEBE:Everything he says is super cute, put him on speaker!

RED:Tell him I said hey.

RED: But like in a cool way.

WENDY:Just try to make it quick, we have school in the morning and we need to get this done before the test!

NICHOLE:Okay!

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NICHOLE: Token? You’re up kind of late, is everything okay?

TOKEN:Oh my god, Nichole, you have no idea how relieving it is to hear your voice–

BEBE:HIIIIiiiiii Tokennnnn~!

RED:Hey Token.

TOKEN: …Hi, Bebe… Hi Red…

WENDY: Is everything okay?

TOKEN:I’m fine, I’m fine–

TOKEN:Um, well.

TOKEN:I’malive, I guess.

NICHOLE: What do you mean by that? 

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TOKEN: Well, I mean…

TOKEN: Some pretty messed up stuff has been happening kind of all night.

TOKEN: I’m sort of surprised none of you guys heard anything that was going on outside, you guys were only a few blocks away from it…

TOKEN: And god, the sounds that were happening, and how he was following us,I–

TOKEN:Th-that doesn’t matter.

NICHOLE: Token, sweetie, you’re rambling.

BEBE:[snort] Yeah just get to the point! (He’s so adorable.)

NICHOLE:(Shut up stop calling my fiance adorable, Bebe!)

BEBE:(I can’t help it!)

TOKEN: I can hear you all whispering.

BEBE:Ooooops, the secret’s out, hahaha!

TOKEN:Okay, I’m–

TOKEN:I’m sorry I don’t have time for jokes right now–

TOKEN: I’m just trying to think about how to word this all… jeez…

NICHOLE:Take your time, it’s okay.

TOKEN:So…

TOKEN:Okay, so basically… we sorta. Ran into like.

TOKEN: We… hmm…

TOKEN:Okay first, at school when the power went out today, we went out to go and check what was going on with the speakers, right?

TOKEN:So we did that, and we ran into that one guy… who disappeared or died like, almost ten years ago. That one British kid, Pip?

TOKEN:But he wasn’t like, azombieor anything, I mean he was like. Alive and right there in front of us.

TOKEN:And he had horns and wings and a tail– like,for real, not fake ones or anything.

TOKEN:So we ran, with this one new kid who sat next to us at lunch–

TOKEN:Then it turns out that guy was a demon too, and then we ran into anotherdemon, and then another, and then another, and they all tried to dangle us off a bridge and made us sing and dance and they hypnotized Clyde with some weird demon power and we’re all stuck in Stan’s barn to try and hide away from all the crazy shit that’s been happening–

TOKEN:[sigh.]

TOKEN: There, hopefully that didn’t sound toodumb.

RED:…That sounds kindadumb.

BEBE:Haha, yeah, are you playing a trick on us or something?

NICHOLE: Tokennnn, you just said you didn’t have time for jokes, silly!

TOKEN:I don’t!

TOKEN:I’m not lying!

TOKEN: I’m super,superserious.

TOKEN:Youknowme, Nichole. I don’t make these kinds of jokes.

TOKEN:Jimmy–

TOKEN:Jimmydied, because of these guys.

TOKEN:He’sactually dead, and I’m sort of freaking out but trying to keep a level head for the group, but I– I…

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BEBE:Wait,what???

NICHOLE:Token, seriously, don’t joke about your friends being dead…

TOKEN:Trust me, I’m telling the truth.

TOKEN:We don’t know what to do.

TOKEN:They totaled my car in the middle of the street, go look if you don’t believe me!

TOKEN:It’s flipped upside down in flames!

BEBE:Oh my god?????

WENDY:Wait, he’s being serious?

NICHOLE:You…

NICHOLE:You sure sound serious, babe…

NICHOLE:Are you–

TOKEN:Yes!

TOKEN: I’m super fucking serious!

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TOKEN:Jimmy is dead, there’s people who died ages ago walking around South Park right now, and they’re after us. 

TOKEN:All of us.

TOKEN: Craig, Clyde, Stan, Kenny, Kyle, Eric and I.

TOKEN:None of us know what to do.

TOKEN:I just thought maybe you guys like.

TOKEN: I don’t know.

TOKEN:You guys are capable, I’m not really sure what to do in this situation, I mean I’ve never had to deal with a friend dying before, especially not l-like this–

NICHOLE: Oh– oh no, you sound like you’re choking up–

NICHOLE:It’s okay, it’s okay–

BEBE:Oh my god, Jimmy’s seriously dead?

WENDY:This all can’t be real, can it?

RED: Wendy, this is…

WENDY:I know–

WENDY:I–

WENDY:Red. You and I need to get over there.

WENDY:Now.

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BEBE: Wait, I wanna go too!

BEBE:Clyde’s there!

WENDY: You can’t go, this is way too dangerous!

BEBE:What do you mean?!

BEBE:What makes this more dangerous for any of the rest of us?!

RED:Just let them come along, Wendy!

RED: It’s their boyfriends!

WENDY: You know–

RED:We don’t know shit!

RED:None of us know shit, that’s why we’reallgoing.

BEBE: I can drive us there, we can hop in my bug!

BEBE:I’ll get there way faster than your grandma drivingwill!!!

WENDY:

WENDY:Fine.

WENDY:Just hurry up and get some shoes and a jacket on.

NICHOLE:Token, honey, we’re coming right over.

NICHOLE:Stan’s farm, right?

TOKEN:Yeah…

NICHOLE:That’s about an hour out– we’ll be there as fast as we can.

TOKEN:Okay…

TOKEN: Be safe.

NICHOLE:I should be saying that to you.

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Holy shit, not a shitpost???? I know I’m a bit late to the parade, but I turned this sp art meme int

Holy shit, not a shitpost????
I know I’m a bit late to the parade, but I turned this sp art meme into a collab w/ frens.
Clyde: My Jew daughter Wolfe
Token: My main hoe Lemon
Craig: (Hands down best entry) Boyfriend Sweater lover Kris
Tweek: Me …..yeah

I’m so happy we got to get together and do this collab, and I hope we can do more in the future.


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bunnyb0b:

briveryck:

briveryck:

Au where everything is the same, but Tweek gets Craig a 1 Direction coin purse for his birthday

If someone draws this I’ll love them forever

Since no one drew it I took matters into my own hands

I see your plea for help, and I raise you:

Will you love me now?

Marry me

briveryck:

Au where everything is the same, but Tweek gets Craig a 1 Direction coin purse for his birthday

If someone draws this I’ll love them forever

Since no one drew it I took matters into my own hands

Au where everything is the same, but Tweek gets Craig a 1 Direction coin purse for his birthday

If someone draws this I’ll love them forever

Some more Heathers auLexi @ the SP Amino requested I drew Clyde and Craig in the song Blue.

Some more Heathers au
Lexi @ the SP Amino requested I drew Clyde and Craig in the song Blue.


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The only valid canon couple in the show

The only valid canon couple in the show


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Weird looking Craig doodle

Do you think Tweek is an Imp? Nah, he is an Incubus. Trust me. And Craig will die soon because his T

Do you think Tweek is an Imp? Nah, he is an Incubus. Trust me.

And Craig will die soon because his Tweek is a power bottom


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The zines have shipped!!!

Check your emails, Crenny Nation, we’ve sent a little something your way

Physical bundles and PDF copies of the zine have been SENT!!!!

If you don’t see your email soon, check your spam folder!

If you are still having issues with the digital zines, send an email to [email protected] with your order number and we’ll get everything sorted out!

Production update!!!

All of the merch and zines have officially arrived!!!

The mods will be going through everything and packing up orders this coming week. Once we get everything ready to be shipped, we will also be sending out the PDF versions of the zines to tide you over until the physical copies arrive

We can’t wait to share these beauties with you!

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