Love long train rides overthinking

Inner storm

As the nightly darkness washes over me, like every night, i try to understand why I feel like this. So many thoughts smashing into eachother keeping me from focusing on just one, instead being stuck with a knotted ball of doubt and remorse. A nightly thought I always find myself with emerges from the wreck. So much to be happy about, yet i still feel so much heaviness. My chest aches for nothing in particular yet everything at once. I have everything i need yet it feels somethings missing. Trying to track just where the day blurs into the numb fuzzy gloom. Not quite understanding how things can seem to be going well but still feel empty. As i try to push the thoughts away and attempt to sleep the ball in my stomach tightens and whispers bitter words until the storm clouds fill my mind. As the rain falls i try to silence the thunder from my lungs and the lightening spasming throughout my body. Each bolt constricting my air and shocking my insides into tight contractions. Attempting to ride out violent assault from my own mind i find myself yet again confused. It feels like I’m battling myself. The only thing I can make myself do is sink into my pillows and allow myself to fall into the tornado hoping it’ll drop me off somewhere brighter, but I know how this downpour ends, the same as it does every night. Hating myself for feelings this way and hating myself for hating myself.