#depression

I have lost myself. 

I keep thinking if I get the right clothes, the right haircut, the right makeup. 

If I live in the right city and go to the right places. 

If other people see me the right way. 

Then I will feel right again. 

I know I’m looking in the wrong places. 

I am so lost inside myself that I don’t know the right place to start looking.

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By: Rachel Denton

Instagram: rachelmarlene13 
Blog:rachelmarlene.com 
Twitter: racheldenton13

It was a Friday when I drove to that little coastal corner of Georgia. The highway was bare – the usual. The day’s sky featured an overcast film, the sun opaque and barely there as it faded into the gray.

Disappointment had begun to settle into my heart like a morning fog. It was a cause so simple as cancelled plans with friends, but why did the impact feel so much more?

These days I was running.

I was used to it – a constant dodging and running from something. Why would a young girl with a safe and normal lifestyle need to be on the run? What could possibly be endangering my clean-cut life?

There was something called The Fear.

It hunted me down so frequently. It hid in the shadows in my mind, stalking me. Planning strategic attacks.

That day was one.

Maybe surprisingly, it’s not an aggressor you’d be unfamiliar with. I’ll characterize it a bit better, see if you might know it too?

The Fear (also, Fear Of Missing Out) – being concerned with events (real or perceived) that you won’t partake in, to the point of causing distress and dismay

I’ve a long history with this mental antagonist, and it’s wild – the more conversations I have, the more I hear of the sadly similar attacks on others too. There’s got to be a way we can escape – a way we can live a life free of its unsettling invasions.

The relieving part is – I’ve found a way. I’ve discovered this arsenal of tools we can tap into, set this Fear running for its life.

The same Friday, I was with family. The outside snapshot showed a peaceful red brick home set in the backdrop of a small Southern town – normalcy, comfort. Inside, however, The Fear was really threatening to have its way with me. I reluctantly settled into my quiet weekend, distant from the events my peers would be attending, which unnerved me because oh my, here’s the scary thought again – what will I miss out on?

I tried to suppress the unhelpful assumptions.

I glanced over at my little blonde hair, blue eyed niece reading a book peacefully on the back porch, seated next to me on the couch. Her messily braided hair sat tucked behind her ear and her heart sat stuffed inside her chest, bursting with the virtue of simple, kind grace.

And in just a single second – I thought how good the moment was.

And how content I could be, right here, if I chose to be. 

Joy - the ability to savor or appreciate what is before us, around us, in us 

That second of contentedness when I looked at her was accompanied by Joy. And that brief flash of Joy was indeed an invitation to see my life. 

I felt that this was an invitation that could be nothing at all – if I chose to ignore it – or everything at once.

Caught by the moment, I opened the invitation and let it dance around in my hands for a moment. 

The invitation, what it read: Do you want to see what’s here?

Yes.

And at once, so quietly – it wasn’t that my life finally came alive – it was me. I finally came alive.

I could see that my life has always been rich and real and full. The blonde hair, blue eyed girl was so softly radiant that I could have missed how she shined. 

When I’m under the authority of Fear, it’s common to walk in those nightmares telling me I’m missing out on something else. Even when I don’t know what that something else ever is. And maybe that’s because I form these illusions in my mind of what life must be like for everyone else who has things I don’t have. And while I wonder what life is like on the other side, I forfeit an invitation and view right before me.

But I’ve got to know and so do you – how might Joy win? How can we keep letting it win?

I think this looks less like a hearty to-do list and more like using something we already have coded into us. The senses. How we smell, taste, feel. This is an invitation to see, after all. 

Seeing your life – letting Joy triumph over Fear (The Fear) in your life - feels like this.

Tightening your arms a little bit more around the people you presently have in your circle. The ones sitting across from you at dinner, working next to you in the office, sending you texts to check in on your day.

It tastes like each small bite of the Mexican meal you’re sharing with friends at dinner. (Taco Tuesday, anyone?) The salt on the chips, the zesty bite of cilantro sprinkled on your plate. How unfortunate to gobble through a meal and miss all of those savory moments.

It smells like fresh laundry churning in the dryer and like silver rain on a musky, humid day. Maybe sometimes it just smells like satisfaction with the right now. 

The beauty is that it will look, taste, feel, and smell different for all of us. The common denominator, however, will be that we all bask in contentment.

If you still worry, as I do, that The Fear of Missing Out will linger even still, let’s touch on that for a second. To put it frankly, yes – you will miss out.

But aren’t we all? No one can have everything. If you’re a mother, you miss out on the flexibility and freedom of singleness and caring solely for your own schedule. If you’re a celebrity, you miss out on the ability to quietly slip into public without being judged for your outfit, current boyfriend, or facial expression captured in a photo. If you’re a city dweller, you miss out on the quieter rhythms of small town life.  

So in the end we have two options. We may be contented what we have. Or we may scroll on our phones, compare, and make a mental checklist of what we do not have – while ignoring that there is always an opportunity cost involved. We will always be forced give up one thing to have another.

This is how Joy can be brighter and louder than The Fear in your life. It’s such a lovely invitation we all have – Do you want to see this?

And because I have tasted how sweet it is, I hope the answer for all of us is an unwavering and resounding

– yes. 

Like a typical twenty-something, Rachel is still figuring out a lot about herself, but of course, some things never change: she remains partial to words, hot weather, and late night bowls of cereal.

By: Jessica Willis

I share my story as a way of healing, a way of letting it out and being true to who I am. I do not believe there is any harm in speaking about the pieces of ourselves that we’re proud of or the pieces of ourselves that we’ve struggled with. I wholeheartedly believe that it’s important we share our experience with other people, it not only helps our personal growth but it connects us to others. Our story has the power to heal us as well as heal somebody else because when we share ours; we free ourselves and give other people permission to acknowledge their own story.

Honestly, I find there is a certain catharsis in doing so, a sense of a burden being lifted and it’s freeing. Sharing pieces of me, of who I am, forms some connection with whoever may be reading this at this very moment, and maybe I am helping someone else see how we are all fighting our own battles and maybe my vulnerability can give someone else the strength to get through a difficult situation. By opening myself up and sharing parts that maybe others would hide, I believe it all helps us feel a little less alone in the world.

It has taken me time to get to this point, to get to where I’m realizing that everything that has happened in the past two-ish years has actually happened for my greater good. The postpartum depression, the betrayal and the downfall of my marriage, the secrets, the lies, the denial, the “crazy making,” and the absolute nonsense that I have had to deal with even in the past few months, has all happened for a reason and it has happened because there is something better for me. I have been and I still am being pulled, I am being stretched and I am being expanded beyond belief but it’s all helping me to be more awake, stronger, and more aligned with my soul’s purpose than ever before.

I have always kept going, I have kept moving forward even on my darkest days, even when all I wanted to do was hide in my bed and cry my eyes out. Did I still have those moments, why yes, yes I did and do I still sometimes have those moments, absolutely. Guess what though, that is totally okay. It’s called being human and nobody should ever make you feel shame or guilt for expressing the way you feel or how you choose to heal. When I have those moments of wanting to cry or wanting to scream, I get through it and move on.

The past year and half has been a roller coaster of emotions. It has had its ups and downs, many downs, and because of that, I have grown. I am so much more than what I was before, I am learning who I am and I am so much more accepting of who I am and proud of what I have become. What I am trying to say here is, you can own your story or your story can own you. Nobody can re-write the past but you can influence the next chapter and continue to become the best version of yourself.

Check out Jessica’s Instagram for more beautiful words like these: @hellojessicalauren 

I was done with the waves. I have had enough of them. The waves of hopelessness that tricked my mind into believing joy would never stay. During my divorce it was understandable for me to have waves of sadness, depression, and heartbreak. However, the shock and surfaced pain wore off and I had another journey ahead…facing what has settled inside of me and made a home.

I had felt so guilty because God’s faithfulness has been so beautiful that I mistook processing pain as being ungrateful.

Then, a therapist said something that made everything shift inside of me. He shared that depression is an expression of suppressed anger. WOW. I’m not a person that gets easily angered. That hasn’t always been the case—at one time in my life I had a temper. I was a little spitfire with a lot of opinions but along the way, I convinced myself that anger was invalid and irrational.

If you are like me, then you have this ability to reframe circumstances to see them from an optimistic point of view. My therapist would say searching for a brighter side seems safer and less painful than the truth…my optimism was actually denial.

So if depression is the expression of suppressed anger…what is going inside of me? I shared with a friend and she said: “Eryn what are you angry at?” Me: “nothing…I’m really thankful..” Her: “No Eryn…what are you still angry at?” Me: “Okay, well maybe I’m angry at…” and then the list began.

Angry at him for ____.

Angry at her for ____.

Angry at them for ____.

Angry at me for ____.

For the first time…the first real time…I saw underneath. I saw the anger. I saw the pain that has been weighing me down. I saw the triggers…I saw what would have a strong hold. It took me being so embarrassed by my inconsistencies to say I’M DONE. These waves are controlling me and impacting my relationships. Admitting what I was angry at brought me closer to joy. Without pain, joy can’t exist…I get that phrase now. I found where the pain was and I’ve found how joy can sustain… // When Dr. Henry Cloud and team asked me to share a quote that meant something to me, I knew exactly what it would be.  Dr. Henry Cloud has impacted my healing so much.

Love,

Eryn

Quote from Boundaries by Dr. Cloud with Dr. John Townsend

Artwork by Ali Nelson of Ali Makes Things

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Shop:soworthloving.com // Follow: @soworthloving

Before I begin… This is my story, and I entrust you with it like you have with me. For you skimmers out there, rest easy: I’m not going anywhere. I’m okay. So Worth Loving is not going anywhere. SWL is okay! Today is actually her birthday! We made it another year fam. Cheers to perseverance and impacting lives!

I remember sitting in a Kroger parking lot at 7:15am on January 2nd, feeling confused. I had no make up on, a beanie on my head, and 3-day old hair as I listened to music and wept. I didn’t know exactly what I was crying about because there were so many layers upon layers of emotions. Everything was gray. I rationalized in my head that… this happened because this happened; and then this happened because this happened; and then this happened. Nothing could stop my mind from racing. The only thing I could do was think. Then over-think, and then spiral. 

I want to share something not many people know, unless you are in my inner circle. And if you do know, it might be because you are an observer from afar or caught wind of he said/she said.

This year, I hid from you because I truthfully thought I wasn’t deserving of a community of people that believed in me. I was struggling to understand what my truth was. 

Did you know that diamonds are found in the dark, created under pressure, and cut by another diamond? I didn’t; and if I’m being honest, I have felt that same cataclysmic pressure, too. I found myself in the dark, encountering an unbelievable amount of pressure, experiencing relationships that refined me and made me better. If I could share every detail of the last year of my life, every nook and crack in my heart, I don’t know if you would be “Team Eryn” anymore. Or maybe you would, because maybe you would find that I am just like you.

I never want to sit on a pedestal and claim that I know everything about business and self-worth. I don’t. I’ve only hoped and prayed that my voice be used for good. Hoping that I could share my perspective, create a space for you to share yours, express what I’m learning, and celebrate vulnerability and connection. I’m here to inspire empathy in safe places. 

So, I’ll quit with the hesitation and dive in. 

Over the past year, I have been desperate for empathy. For myself and others. I’ve carried my own mistakes and the weight of those around me. I’ve seen the worst in friendships and the beauty in nitty gritty, raw, authentic relationships. I’ve blamed and shamed myself and others. I saw parts of myself I couldn’t believe were inside of me. What I’ve learned is the moment you start to believe you are immune to something is the moment you become the most susceptible to it. 

Sharing this part of me is terrifying. That’s why I have even more admiration for you as I read your stories. I believe in the power of storytelling. I believe in the power of transparency and the healing that comes with it. I believe our stories have the power to transform others, and if my pain and failure can help one person, I’ve done my job. Today is So Worth Lovings birthday and in the last 6 years of So Worth Loving, I’ve seen suicide prevented, self-harm addressed, rehabilitation being remitted, and recovery from divorce. I’ve seen people get out of bed for the first time because they decided depression would not hold them down any longer. 

Brene Brown says, “We are vessels for stories.” 

I’ve carried your stories with me. When my eyes encountered your stories of pain, I wept with you. When my ears heard your stories of victory, I celebrated with you. But when my world was completely flipped upside down, I struggled to be present in my own story. Because of that, I began to fracture and break.

I want to be careful with this, because my story is woven with another’s. I respect their story. I don’t know how to navigate this well, but I’m going to do the best I can to be as vulnerable with you as you have been with me, while also honoring another.

This year, I experienced heartbreak on a level I didn’t think was imaginable. I knew real heartbreak existed, but I didn’t know what it was like to physically feel a gaping hole in my heart. I didn’t know what it felt like for my spirit to shake and break.

The light I prayed for since I was in 7th grade, I watched slowly become dark. I’ve had people in my life who have gone through it, but I never experienced it like this. I guess I was naive. People have a tendency to do strange things in times of grief, and we all handle it differently. I experienced the 5 stages of grief. It was as though I was on a hamster wheel of grief and couldn’t get off. 

For me: 
I was in denial. 
I was confused. 
I was angry
Because of this, I began to isolate myself. 
I no longer saw myself as worthy of anything good. 
I self-pitied. 
I got physically sick.
I was faithless.
I was exhausted. 
I was gossiped about.
I was betrayed.
I was lied to. 
I lied. 
I was depressed
I carried guilt. 
I felt shame. 
I became numb. 

I was shutting down. I was blocking out any noise that contributed to the sounds in my head and the false whispers in my ears. When you are in a season of uncertainty, it’s easy to acquire everyone else’s beliefs as your own.

When I made the decision to end a marriage after 9 years, it became apparent who was no longer in my corner. I couldn’t take on their beliefs and let their judgments define me.

As you walk through life, you will encounter phases that require different levels of courage. But how do you take those first steps of courage without a "How To” manual? Christine Caine says “The first step of courage is cut away things that hold us back or hold us down.” So that’s what I began to do… 

I began to cut away the fear and allow myself to feel every single emotion. I began to cut away the feeling of shame and stop saying what I was feeling was “bad” or “wrong.” I began to let myself feel, so that I could begin to heal. I sought help and guidance from others who understood the level of pain I was experiencing. I learned that I didn’t need to be told that I was going to be okay, I needed to be told how I felt was okay. Through this past season, I discovered the depth of my well. I discovered the depth of my faith. 

I’m coming out of it ready to be an anchor for you like never before. Now I know I can sit with heartbreak and grief on a multitude of levels. While the circumstances will certainly be different, I know the emotion connected to it, and I will feel with you.

I will not ask if you found resolve yet. I will not rush you towards a solution. I will sit with you while you figure it out, and I will hold you up when you feel like falling down.

While the last season of my life has broken me down in so many ways, in my personal and in my business life, I’m so thankful to have found some of the most incredible humans who weren’t scared to walk alongside me. They challenged me, questioned my decisions, and loved on me so tenderly and patiently. I got to witness people who didn’t see me as my circumstance, but saw me as Eryn. The Eryn who failed them, yet they loved me anyway. Those same people didn’t give up on me, even when they felt uncomfortable to lean in, consistent in their word to stand by me. They let me talk too much, sometimes in circles about the same thing. They showed up on my door when I would ignore their texts or calls, never taking offense or believing it was a reflection of who they were, but simply a reflection of where my heart was. Hidden. They showed up because they knew sometimes getting out of bed and believing in yourself when your life has been hit by a tidal wave is so hard. They knew that one more expectation wasn’t something this heart could handle. 

These people are like you. Willing to catch the broken hearted and say “this is just temporary. This is not a punishment, it’s development.”

Now… 
I am thankful.
I am renewed.
I am inspired. 
I am taking ownership.
I am moving forward
I am ready. 
I am forgiving.
I am forgiven
I am faithful.
I am alive.
I am grateful.
I am healing.
I am so worth loving.

In this uncomfortable season, I learned an even deeper understanding of the phrase “so worth loving.” 

So Worth Loving started with you. It began with your belief in the importance of talking about our struggles so we may help someone else feel less alone in theirs. 

We were fortunate to grow quickly, but as my personal circumstances began to crumble, so did I. I found myself taking on more than I could handle. I found myself creating and building on the back end of logistics when I deeply desired to be on the front end talking, creating, laughing, crying, connecting, and loving with you. 

When I started So Worth Loving, it wasn’t to be a t-shirt company. It was to simply use apparel as an entry point to talk about self-worth. Because the conversation was our primary focus, we moved all of our inventory out of our office and into a 3rd party fulfillment facility a few months ago. This decision took me out of logistics and put me back in a space to dream a little bigger and get a little closer to all of you. It opened up our capacity to expand and set out to do what is closest to us - start conversations through apparel, where self-worth and self-care can be the emphasis. It will give us the space to create resources for you to be able to find the proper help and support that you need when looking for the right books, therapists, & safe communities near you.  

Again, I reminded myself: “The first step of courage is to cut away the things that are holding us back or holding us down.” -Christine Caine

After many phone calls, conversations, and emails, I decided to move out of our office space and SWL will no longer be behind walls, but outside the walls of a physical building like we once were. We are coming back to our roots and will continue to be online so we may focus on the areas that matter most. For those of you who don’t live in Atlanta, none of this will look any different than what you’re already used to — we’ll still see you online!

We will be going on tour this spring and partnering with Airstream for 6 weeks. While our fulfillment is in Ballground Georgia, I’ve settled on 16 acres in North Georgia where I will spend my time writing, creating, and listening to you. We are in the filing process of the So Worth Loving Foundation where we will be able to partner with college campus counselors and be their support in the mental health community. We are realigning. Recalibrating. Pivoting back to the basics. This season will be where we can get back to what we feel called to do, and that’s to be closer to you. 

Our heels are digging in deeper than ever before. We need you like never before. This next season will be a wild ride, and with every transition there is an opportunity to fail. But with failure comes the opportunity to learn more of who we are. 

I hope to be the Eryn who will make you proud, and I hope you will continue to love her and our team as well as you always have.

Will you join me in this next season of So Worth Loving?