…

“Love”…

monsters are real. and ghosts are real too. they live inside us. and sometimes…they win.

Who will dry ur eyes when it falls apart?

I haven’t really been feeling like myself lately. When I wake up I don’t wanna do anything. And when I get out of bed I don’t do anything. I just kind of waste my time. It’s funny because I have all these goals and ambitions but I just can’t bring myself to accomplish any of them.

I overthink because I know how replaceable I am. I’m no one’s first choice or anything special to someone, I am nothing.

I know no one cares but today I’m 4 months clean of sh. I know I’m not gonna make it til new year cause I’m struggling so much rn but at least it were 4 months yk?

I stay awake at night cause I don’t even know what my favorite color is and I’m afraid I don’t have a real personality.

If I’m having a panic attack or if I’m telling you how sad I am or how I actually feel. Try a hug. It’s mental illness. Mental illness. Mental illness. It’s not like “my daughter feels horrible about herself, let me hug her.” It’s “Take your medicine!” It’s “Do you need to go to a hospital?” It’s mental illness before it’s me.

Love is a lie, we’re all empty inside.

Maybe we feel empty because we left pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love.

I wish I could look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted at what I see. I can tell my friends to be strong and to love themselves but I can’t do it myself. I feel worthless. Like I don’t deserve to be loved.

Verdammt, es fing doch gerade erst an wieder besser zu laufen. Mein letzter Rückfall war vor einem Monat, an meinem Geburtstag. Und ich hatte wirklich Hoffnung, das wird schon wieder. Dieses Mal schaffe ich es clean zu bleiben, denn endlich hatte ich für paar Wochen gute Phasen. Und ich war wirklich der Meinung, ich schaff es jetzt da raus. Doch dann bekomme ich heute die Nachricht, dass du gestorben bist. Und plötzlich bricht alles in mir wieder zusammen. Bin erst im August auf der letzten Beerdigung gewesen. Jetzt, wo du weg bist, hab ich endgültig alles verloren, was mir die Welt bedeutete. Was - Sag mir was hält mich denn noch hier? Wofür weitermachen wenn eh keiner mehr da ist? Meine Familie wurde in den letzten 11 Jahren einfach ausgelöscht. Woher soll ich bitte die Kraft nehmen, weiter zu machen? Das hier ist kein Leben mehr ohne euch. Ihr wart alles, was ich hatte. Alles, was mir Kraft und Halt gab. Alles was jetzt noch bleibt sind die Erinnerungen und ein tiefes Loch in meinem Herzen. Wieso wird mir alles genommen, was mir einen letzten Lebenssinn gab? Ich hab für das alles einfach keine Kraft mehr. Ich halte es hier nicht mehr aus.

Even as I got the idea to write this message I started crying lol I really am so very in love with you you’re so important to me. Which is why after last night I need to talk to you. My depression and my bipolar and my anxiety have been so hard to deal with lately I can’t function right I come to crazy conclusions and I explode for no reason and I’m always sad even when I’m happy. And it’s because I’m just so broken inside like something didn’t get wired right in my brain and I have been trying so hard to be normal and not constantly doubt myself but I can’t do it. I don’t ever want to lose you tony ever. But I need you to be happy. I don’t know how you feel really about all the disorder in my head but basically as scary as this is for me I’m giving you an out. I’ve been left behind too many times by people who really probably cared about me but just couldn’t handle who I am as a person sometimes. If that’s how you feel…. I mean please. Go find someone you can handle. I hope that’s not the case. I hope someday, if it isn’t you that someone can love me. All of me.

I was laying in bed today and tony and I had a fight last night because I was being ridiculous and sometimes I just can’t help that. I’m just so scared I’m just gonna end up being too much again. I know I’m hard to love but there’s gotta be someone out there who can do it right? I just hope with every fiber in my body that it’s him.