#drug use

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“Man, you are uptight. Do you wanna get high?”

“Pass. Get in the car.”

“But we were having fun!”

“I’m fine. You can quit babysitting me, mom.”

“I’m either your babysitter or your mom, I cannot be both. Drink your water. You know how dehydrated getting high makes you.”

“I can’t believe you’re gonna make me sit on this couch and drink water until I come down. You’re like, the lamest supervillain. Dr. Killjoy.”

“You’d rather end up in the hospital again?”

I’m getting an iron infusion tomorrow then again a week later. Hopefully that will help with my constant need to nap. But the pressure in my head is getting worse. I can’t get an MRI until this Corona shit calms down. In the meantime I’m fucking dying. I don’t know what to do. I need something to help with the pressure and pain. And I’m told to “hang in there”. Fuck you and fuck everyone for punishing me and trying to make me feel bad for attempting suicide.

Last night, or early this morning, Dante made me cry out of my right eye… only. It was weird. I felt my eyes and made sure I wasn’t having an allergic reaction to figure out if what was happening was really happening. It started because, again, he’s freaking out about suicide. I told him that it’s the right thing to do. I apologized and said, “I’m sorry I’m just lost. No… I’m not lost. I know exactly where we need to go.” Then tears started streaming out of my right eye. The reason why this is significant is because Dante resides behind my (our?) right eye. When he’s not dormant that is. Also, yesterday morning I felt like I was being pushed from that side over to the left. Just gently. Not aggressively or anything. When the fragments are awake I reside only behind our (my?) left eye. I assure you these aren’t just some crazy ramblings of a mad man… I’m pretty sure anyway.

3-11-20 It’s (possibly) happening again.

This morning I believe Dante was trying to communicate with me. I was in the shower and started crying (in typical Dante fashion) and blurted out “But we love them!” I don’t remember what I was thinking about but I knew he was referring to my son and little brother. I FELT what he was feeling and talking about. My guess is that he’s been picking up on the fact that I’ve been looking into buying drugs online, to eventually od on, and that I’m getting closer to figuring out all the details. Dante doesn’t want to die. He’s too attached to certain things and people in this life. And then I started to say, “Well if you don’t want…” I was going to continue with, “me to kill us then you’ll come forward and stop me.” But he cut me off and made me start crying again and said, “NO MORE THREATS!” Then I think I was crying on my own at this point and said, “Okay. I’m sorry. No more threats.” Then I just kept apologizing. We were having a conversation about why I overdosed and why I feel that we need to die but he just won’t see things from my side. Then he fell silent again. But he did pop up randomly a few times while I was in partial (we talked, I was talking out loud to him and think I got caught) and I think he really might be waking up again :) I’ve missed him so much.

I had such a rough day today. I’m in partial hospitalization (a temporary day program) right now and some other patients there really pissed me off. Talking about how they think “psychos” shouldn’t be kept with other patients when being hospitalized. “There should be another ward for people like that.” I don’t know why it bothered me so much. Shit like that usually doesn’t get to me. I haven’t suffered from psychosis since early 2018. But the way they were talking about it… Like they are so fucking superior. It just got under my skin. Then they were talking about smoking weed, doing shrooms and lsd at festivals. “Not like bad drugs. I don’t consider that stuff real drugs.” Neither do I. But what exactly are “bad drugs”? Huh Karen? It’s getting hard to think again. Fuck my clouded mind! I need help. I need to make this feeling go away. My head is starting to hurt again! I need some “medication”. I don’t know where to get it anymore. I’m starting to feel myself fade again.

I’m truly sorry that you ever believed in me.

We’re never going to change anything. There is no point in trying. So the only thing we can do is change ourselves. For better or for worse. Or just for something different.

It used to be that I had connections but no money. Now I have money but no connections. Fucking figures…

I had a dream last night that I was with a girl, named Candy (just adding this little detail so I don’t forget later and also because of the girl named Kandie in my head… I don’t want to get them confused), that I knew (I used to smoke crack with her occasionally in the real world). We got some fentanyl from my stepfather (I don’t even have a stepfather) who happened to be a doctor. Candy helped to shoot me up and I wondered later why I didn’t feel anything. Ah, fucking dreams…  

requiodile:

are there any ww2-era cap fics, or even modern fics, that discuss/deal with the the widespread, military-supported use of amphetamines in their forces? the germans had pervitin–but the allies had benzedrine sulphate; benzedrine, i think, is still actually used to this day.

there’s a section in this old paper that goes “As the drug raises the level of physical performance in the course of prolonged effort by lessening the appreciation of fatigue, it was considered wiser, when the emergency was acute, to resort to the use of a drug which makes men temporarily immune to fatigue than to abandon the exhausted (Fetterman).On many a dangerous mission benzedrine helped tired men to win the battle against sleep, when they could not be replaced by rested reserves.” 

if regular infantry kept popping energy pills to keep going, what about the theoretical drug usage of the howling commandos? From that same paper: “The responsibility for the tactical use of benzedrine rests with the commanding officer, who must decide when the situation demands it. Distribution and administration, however, is the responsibility of the medical officer. When it should be used, how much is needed, and what the effects will be are matters of interest to every member of a tactical organisation.” did all of them, including bucky, have to take above-average doses to keep pace with actual-superhuman captain america? did steve himself take benzedrine to stave off sleep when the mission stakes were too high to take an hour off to rest? would it be ineffective for him because of his metabolism? 

what about the postwar consequences of prolonged drug use in returning servicemen? how did that affect the howlies when they went home, since they might have taken way, waymore than was standard issue? was howard also on benzedrine to keep up his rapid R&D during the war? did that contribute to his postwar instability? did bucky go through a serious crash withdrawal with the russians during the early days of his confinement after his recovery, because they didn’t have supplies of benzedrine? what kind of supplementary dosing did HYDRA give him during the torture and reeducation? is modern-day bucky at a high risk for relapsing to amphetamines or other substances due to decades of drug dependency and experimentation? is he currently a drug addict? if he’s been ‘clean’ for at least a year, is he still suffering from various addiction-related psychological and health issues on top of his traumas and preexisting conditions? 

what about steve? what’s his standpoint on performance-boosting drugs and drug dependency, given that his life was so fundamentally altered by the military-supervised application of an extremeandpermanentperformance-boosting chemical concoction into his body? his frequent dependence on medicine and health aids before the Rebirth procedure? smoking as a cultural norm during his original time period? would the serum have killed his nicotine addiction too, or would steve have kept smoking during the war as a social activity in the same way he kept drinking alcohol that wouldn’t get him tipsy? does he ever sneak away to smoke now when the nostalgia hits him, or is it the nostalgia that prevents him from finding comfort in the habit? (probably the latter. smokes aren’t the same nowadays anyway, just like bananas.)

crystallineshots:

IHATE when a guy finds out I do drugs & then immediately asks some shit like:

“Does (Smoking/Slamming) make you horny? Do you masturbate and/or fuck while you’re high?”

Bitch. Wtf? No?

I’m literally addicted to Heroin.

Im nodding the fuck out.

Now Leave me alone.

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