I need a vacation from my mind and body

Everyday I say today is going to be better, that today is going to be a good day.

And

Everyday is a waste of energy, everyday is more disappointing than the last, everyday sucks more than the last

I’m hanging on by a thread and maybe just maybe, it’s time to let go.

I feel like a ghost, I’m neither dead nor alive.

I just exist in between.

In the real world I’m that girl that doesn’t eat, the girl who goes to therapy, the girl that’s falling apart.

But

On here, I fit in, I feel safe - comforted by the fact that I’m not alone, on here people feel the way I do, and I don’t feel so crazy anymore

I don’t know if I should be a comforted by this as much as I am, or if I’m even more broken than I thought.

forever standing up too fast and traveling to another dimension so hard you have to blink really fast to land back on earth.

My days lately feel so long, I exist from one day to another barely accomplishing anything.

My lack of sleep make things feel so much longer and tedious. I feel like I’m walking though sludge. My mind is a muddle.

Each day is more disappointing than the last but I don’t have the energy to die.

I’m just existing.

I’m so tired right now. I’m tired of breathing. I’m tired of surviving.

I just want to stop.

I love my dog so much, it’s like she has super spidey senses and knows exactly when I’m about to go off the deep end.

It’s like she knows I’m super upset and liable to do something fucking stupid so she just sits on me, gives me cuddles and demands so much damn attention that I can’t do something stupid.

She also reminds me that I’d be leaving her behind if I was to do it and I couldn’t do that.

My mind goes in overdrive a lot like it just can’t stop thinking. It jumps from one thing to another, so erratically I can’t keep up and the thing is nothing makes sense.

When my mind gets like this, my skin gets itchy like I need to do something and I don’t know what it is, I have this dire need to something, anything if it’ll calm my brain but nothing does.

This can last for a day, a few days, a week, a month and the entire time I just can’t think and I still have to pretend to be okay, pretend that I’m coping, but really my thoughts are drowning me.

Ramblings

I feel like one of those old abandoned, crumbling houses. Y’know the kind you cross the road to ignore because they’re ugly and they make you feel kinda sad.

I feel exactly like that, I mean someone could make that house nicer by doing it up a little, painting it, fixing it, but it’s not really worth it because that house will still be ugly and sad looking. It’s not worth the effort.

You might as well knock down the old house, make it go away, one less ugly thing, in this sad world.

I’m told on a daily basis by multiple people how dangerous this illness is, I myself realise how deadly anorexia is BUT I can’t stop, I physically can’t stop.

It’s addictive and uncontrollable - I know that no matter what goal I hit, I’ll always lower it because it’s not enough because there’s always more to lose, always a lower number to hit.

I’m unhappy being stuck in this cycle but I’m even more miserable without it - anyone who even slightly feels this way please get help.

I feel like the biggest burden in the world, like I take up so much space and all I do is fuck up. I’m like a walking train wreck. I should just disappear all together, people would be so much happier.

Sick obsession

I have this sick obsession and I both love and hate it. I must do it 20+ times a day.

I love to feel my bones

It soothes me, reassures that maybe I’m not as fat as I think I am. Feeling the notches in my spine, counting my ribs, touching my collar bones.

But

then it reminds me that they don’t pertrude enough, that too much fatty skin covers them and I’ve failed all over again.

Each time they stick out a little more I get this sick euphoria and it makes me feel so good.

I think anorexia/eating disorders have the highest mortality rate because you have to make a certain criteria to get help.

Like unless you are literally so underweight and poorly, they won’t help you because you’re not ‘sick’ enough which is bullshit. If you think you’re struggling and you ask for help that’s a big deal, it takes guts, helping people before they get to that point could save so many lives, it’s been proven that if you get help before you get so sick you can reverse all the damage you’ve done, you can recover almost completely, but instead they turn you away unless your bmi is under 15, and your pulse is low and your deficient in vitamins.

and the saddest thing is when they turn you away, they prove ‘ana’ right, that you’re fat, and that you’re not sick, so you starve yourself more until you end up in hospital and they if only you got help sooner, you wouldn’t of got as sick.

They need to change the criteria, they need to take people more seriously, they need to help more so people don’t end like me, stuck in this cycle, starving - recovering a little - relapsing again - eventually it will kill you.

Be safe, get help.

I wonder

I wonder what people see when they look at me.

Do they see how much I hate myself, do they see how disgustingly fat I am, do they see how miserable I really am, do they see my insecurities, probably not.

What annoys me the most

• People who tell me to stop worrying, if I could do that don’t you think I would already?
• Being told to be happy
• Smile, you look better when you smile
• Just eat, like really I never thought of that!
• You’re not fat, yes somewhere in my brain I know this but telling me doesn’t really help
• Just stop thinking so much, like that’s literally impossible for me
• People who touch me, like if you don’t have permission don’t do it
• People who treat me like I’m made of glass, IM NOT
• People who know about my eating disorder, that ask for diet tips - like hello, triggering as fuck and clearly I don’t know how to do it sensibly
• People who deliberately point out my scars, yes I have them, everyone with eyes can see them
• People that ask for tips on self harm, like no - fuck off, I do not encourage that shit

What annoys you?

This disorder fucks with my mind so much I don’t even know what I look like anymore, am I fat? Am I thin?

I can look in the mirror one second and see something kind of thin? and then then I look again and I’m just a stumpy blobby mess, like which am I?

I both love and hate tumblr, it shows all the ‘glamorous’ side to eating disorders but none of the truth.

Having anorexia isn’t some pretty girl saying no to a burger and eating a salad instead.

Having anorexia is -

• Being covered in hair all over as your body desperately tries to keep you warm
• Being crippled in pain because you’re so hungry
• It’s being terrified of gaining even a pound
• It’s being so disgusted by your body that you starve it, to death
• It’s being freezing all the damn time
• It’s having bad breath from not eating
• It’s feeling lonely and isolated all the time
• It’s turning down plans just so you don’t have to eat
• It’s your skin looking pale and being purple-y red constantly
• It’s not sleeping because you’re so hungry
• It’s feeling tired and dizzy all the time
• It’s destroying your relationship with your family and arguing 24/7

Eating disorders aren’t glamorous, at all

Do you?

Does anyone else sort of use their eating disorder as like a really fucked up comfort blanket?

Like I do okay for awhile, I eat little more, weigh a little more, still hate myself but then something tips me over the edge and I’m straight back to starving myself because that’s what makes me feel safe and it’s the only thing I’m good at, like it feels familiar and comforting, even though we all know eating disorders are horrible nasty things, that never really make you feel better?

Torn

I’m so torn between being so fucked up that I actually need professional help, like my head feels like a fucking minefield and I’m literally drowning in sadness.

To feeling like I’m not ‘sick’ at all and that I’m totally fine and clearly people have it so much worse than me, because I get out of bed and go out and pretend to be happy whenever I have to be around people.

Like I’m so confused, why does my brain play this fucking game?

I’m so scared to trust people like 100% trust them, I physically cannot do it, it’s terrifying. I’m so scared to let people in because once I do I can’t let them go and once they see the real me, they leave, everybody leaves and I break, I break into a million pieces and it’s so hard to put myself back together again and again.

I think I’ve finally fucked up the one thing-the last thing in my life that I actually enjoyed. I’ve finally pushed away that one person, the only person that I knew how to please.

Why do I fuck up everything, I’m so tired of this shit, I don’t want this anymore.

“hahahhaha!! remember when we thought eating was a personality trait and made us not like other girls!!! hahaaha lol so cringe of us!! glad we grew out of that!”

who is we, Sharon?

anas tryna convince themselves rice cakes and black coffee is delicous

i am perfectly Fine

hey bitches guess whos back and fatter then ever!!hahahahhahahhahhahahahhhahahahahhahahaHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHSHhaahaahh

gains.

positives to weight gain

*you wear clothes, no more clothes wearing you.
* &you get to buy new clothes
*moving without fear of breaking
*discovering your body does more than hurt &be cold.
*stepping out of the fog &being present.
*social eating is actually social (not a stressful clusterfuck)
*finding ways to define yourself other than the skinny one.
*feeling. having enough energy to experience&show emotion.
*freeing up brain space to think about so many other //better// things.
*having an all natural glow up.

omg i just found out why my ex best friends dropped me! it’s because i was being too “negative” all the time (aka depressed and literally suicidal) and she didn’t want to deal with me! because it’s not her responsibility! (her exact words btw) But when she was “depressed” i would talk with her for 2+ hours on the phone to make her feel better. the other one dropped me because me and my family “treated her like a pet” ???? what does that even mean. does she mean when we drove to her house at 10 at night to pick her up because she was having a panic attack? or does she mean the trip i took her on for my birthday? maybe she means when we took care of her for a week when my mom cleaned up her dogs shit and piss all over the floor. It’s like i treat people with the utmost respect and love. then they treat me like i’m some disgusting freak of nature. :P

I’m a 200+ sw ana, and ever since then I’ve lost over 60+ pounds. I am nowhere near considered ‘’skinny’’ but peoples reaction to me when I haven’t seen them in a long time is astonishing. They’re either always in shock or CONSTANTLY looking at me. Oh, and they’re always asking me for weight loss advice. I tell them “diet and exercise” but its actually  “a eating disorder and suffering” lol 

Y’all I have been going to the gym at least once a week. This is a big achievement because I was having anxiety about this due to being discouraged and also just anxiety. When I go to the gym I’m working out for at least 30 minutes and then I go exercise in the pool for another 20 minutes. I’m really proud of myself because this is a step forward to being healthier. I do not want to lose a lot of weight but I want to tone my problem areas (arms, stomach, and butt.) I also need to have better posture while working out.

Even though I’m doing better in this area, I know I need to Improve some things. I know that my diet is poor. My goal is to have a workout routine that will maintain a healthy weight so I can be more confident in my body. If guys have any suggestions with either of my problems let me know.

Thissisrayy

you know when you think you hit some sort of bottom, but it’s like a false bottom so you fall. and then some more. yeah. that.

i lost 13kgs (28.7 lbs) in 1.5 months and i got a pat on the back from everyone

why how what the fuck

is anyone else satisfied by looking at food? ill be starving then go look at some pictures of mexican street tacos and be like, yup thats good im full.

i can eat when im skinny

i can eat when im skinny

i can eat when im skinny

is there 0 cal gum?

19 weeks til summer

i want to change, i need to change. i can’t keep fucking around. i have been 50kgs before and i will be 50kgs again, i just need to put in more effort.