#ed vent

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I am turning my eating disorder into one of those Pinterest girl ‘lifestyles’ and will now no longer be considered mentally ill by society despite my diet not changing

coming home from vacation went from 209 lbs to 214 lbs and I am SO UPSET IJWCOQJR NCNQRIJKCNVQOIJRC

im on vacation rn and there’s so much food im dying

help ive been falling off bc of my sprained knee im so hungry and tired and exhausted 

I would like to be under 200 lbs now pls ive been waiting for so long

this week i felt like such shit and then it finally occurred to me that i WASNT EATING???? why do i always think my actions have no consequences

i always see other peoples posts about being insecure with their body and i’m like NO YOURE SO SKINNY YOU ARE ALLOWED TO EAT YOURE SO HOT but then when it comes to my self i am like starve you fat ass you are worthless

I always get so sad when I see people struggling with the same things I do but then when I feel that way have no empathy for my self

total was 776 today not mad !

time to make another new impossible diet plan for myself even tho i know i probably won’t stick to it for more than 2 days lmao

also i wasn’t planning on restricting much today i was just busy

my goal is gonna be like 900-1200 i think. i wanna eat enough that i don’t binge and i feel like having my limit be higher makes me binge too so ? idk lol

is it possible to recover from an ed but still lose weight lol

like i wanna be healthy and i’m tired of being in cycles of restricting and binging and being sick

but like i only have 10ish more lbs to lose and i feel like it would make me feel so much better i wanna just eat super healthy and lose weight and feel good physically and mentally

lately i’ve just been switching between “fuck it, i’ll just binge 24/7 and if i get fat i get fat” to “i need to be skinny immediately i’m only allowed to have 10 calories a day” to “i just have to eat a normal amount and eat super healthy foods” and my head hurts :))

so uhh i’m starting “ partial hospitalization “ for my ed on monday but it’s virtual rn lmao,, they said they’re gonna be open again next week but idk

honestly i did want to start treatment like a month ago and my mom made me promise id at least try but at this point it’s just taking too long to even start and i still don’t feel like i need it or deserve it and i’m scared and i don’t think i’m ready but i don’t want to let everyone down and disappoint everyone:( but i feel obligated to bc no one wants to deal with it anymore and my mom told me she thinks i’m so skinny she can barely look at me and that made me so upset and i’m literally not even skinny :( my bmi is fucking 20 im not Really anorexic yet :/

MAYDAY MAYDAY

my family is going going to the beach this weekend (not to swim or anything it’s too cold) and my mom was saying how we’re gonna try a few restaurants and i’m so scared i’m gonna gain weight from this $hit

so ur telling me normal ppl don’t compulsively weigh themselves everytime they go to the bathroom ?

ok so i’ve lost 5 pounds by restricting and eating abt 400-500 calls a day

and i hv more motivation cuz i have a doctors appointment on the 24th so my mom is gonna see how much i way and i’m so scared

she’s gonna fat shame me i know it

i ate and then had a small binge and i’m so pissed at myself

i’ll weigh myself tmr morning to see if i gained

but i don’t really know if will bc my total for today was 1330

pics from earlier idk if i should post more like this or not?

am i the only one that just feels like if i eat before like 6pm i don’t actually have an ed and i’m faking it?

me: okay so i ate nothing yesterday so i can eat a little more today.

*eats a little more*

my ed: fuck now you can’t eat for two days

me: aw man

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