#feeling lonely
I finally realized I will always be either not enough or way too much
Caring too much about someone who doesn’t give a shit about you is probably the most painful feeling in the world
imagine your alpha saying.
“you have no idea how much i needed this”
as you pull them into a tight cozy embrace, and they practically inhale your soul.
I take pictures of the moon… cuz there’s no one there. When there’s no one, you can’t feel lonely.
Castaway on the Moon (2009)
Loss.
This virus is devastating. Not just because of the health risk of the actual virus, but because of how social distancing and and isolation can potentially affect those who live with mental illness.
As someone who deals with depression (among other things), I can say for myself that being cut off from everything and everybody sets a dangerous tone. For me, being alone with my thoughts for too long can often lead to a downward spiral. My trick for combating that, is getting out of the house, running errands, meeting with friends, going to a movie…. social distraction.
When those options are taken away – as they have been with this pandemic – so is an important coping mechanism. Add into that a sudden loss of income, well… I’m sure you can imagine.
Sometimes, when the darkness comes, it’s too much to bear.
I lost someone very close to me the other day. She struggled with depression her whole life. She managed as well as she could, and we’d lean on each other if things got rough.
I spoke with her - not even a week ago, making plans to visit in early May.
I don’t know what happened. This one time she didn’t reach out, and now she’s gone.
I’m devastated.
I don’t know how to deal with this. So, for now, I’m asking all you religious and spiritual folks to pray for her. Pray for those of us she left behind; her siblings, her mom, her nieces and nephews.
Pray for her son.
~~~
Please. EVERYONE. If you are dealing with any kind of mental illness, or depression, or anxiety, or whatever … please lean on your community. Reach out.
If you have soneone in your life who struggles, check in. Reach out. You could save a life.
~~~
National suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255
there’s a misconception that grief only happens when we lose people. this is not true. we can grieve circumstances, relationships, missed opportunities. in fact, sometimes when you find yourself plagued with waves of emotion from sadness to melancholy you may be grieving yourself. the version of yourself that you might have been if things had been different, or if only you had said something, or if someone had stood up for you.
I’m so sick and tired of being lonely.
Have you ever had those days where you just feel sad? :/
This is exactly what made me feel sad today.
I realized my best friend and I are not talking / seeing other like we used to. I used to know everything about her and she used to know everything about me. We used to spend all our time together. I used to go at her house every weekend. She used to come to my house every day. We used to call each other during hours. Whenever I had something to say, I knew I could tell her. I knew I could count on her, day and night.
But now, she’s never available to see me. Now, whenever I call her, she never answers. Now, whenever I text her, it always seems like she’s busy.She’s barely replying to me. She basically just answers “yes” , “no”, “ok” , “idk”, or “nothing new”, while I’m trying so hard to make a conversation. I swear, I’m really trying to preserve our friendshipbutshe is not.
I remember the time i didn’t need to do that. We didn’t need to make effort. We didn’t need to “try”. We were just friends. We didn’t need that shit.
But today, I learnt she was engaged with her boyfriend for MONTHS. Months and she hasn’t told me anything! And she wouldn’t have, if I hadn’t texted her and asked her multiple questions…
I used to be her best friend. Her best friend. Our friendship meant so much to me and now it’s just fading away and there’s nothing I can do to stop that. It’s already happening. We used to share everything in this world. We used to be like sisters. And it changed. And it made me feel so sad.
And it made me feel so lonely.
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December ♥️
A Seafarer: someone who works or travels on a boat or ship on the sea
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I stumbled across this word and it got me thinking about those who make a living traveling out to sea, especially those who are gone for weeks, months, or years at a time. I am sure it takes some degree of bravery to leave the comfort land for an endless ocean. After all, the ocean is so much more than just the beautiful seascape depicted in paintings. It wild and unpredictable, and not hesitant to remind us how small we are. And yet still, brave souls who venture out, even though they are well aware of the uncertainty.
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This poem was inspired by me wanting to brave in this way when it comes to my faith. I don’t want to hold back because I’m so afraid of the what the unknown will do to me. I want to be brave enough to move from my allotted place on shore in order to know The Lord more and see what He has in store. Because I know that even in an boundless ocean, He is with me. The greatest depth of the ocean is no mystery to Him. And that’s how I know I can trust Him, even in uncertain waters.
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