And I want to believe that I’m not mad. That being sad is only for sad people. I’m not like them? I’m worse. Crying here in my lonely world praying that the sun consumes my tears before nightfall - before what’s ugly in me keeps me awake, on edge, gasping the bitter darkness in this world which chokes me.
Heya there, people who cares about me! Writing this post to say that I decided to make my fic works private as I’ll soon remove them from this blog to hoist them on a side one which is still under heavy construction. Tbh, I wasn’t getting much interaction on them here because they seem to get lost somewhere in between all the other things I post I know I don’t write this much good *laughs in self-criticism* but still… Being a full-time student in a demanding college and having a mother who likes to see her kids in bed by 10— I hardly get any time to work on real things that I enjoy (which is writing). I want to write. Not because I’ve something to prove or I want to brag my work list to the world but just… as an outlet. You see?
Every week I begin to pick new insecurities. I easily become ashamed of everything I do whether it’s real life related or on internet. It’s hard. In my head, it’s very hard. I’ve been writing a good deal of excerpts since 9th grade but I’ve never put them forth before anyone. Posted two or three of flop fics here and there until this urge to write grew highly menacing and I begin to get more serious about it. I made an account on tumblr years ago but never had the strength to post anything. Now when I’ve become a tab bit comfortable in my skin (thanks to tokyorev. this manga is really special to me) I started to think it all over again ^~^ Because, you know, creativity is the cure of this chronic sadness which we call melancholy Thank you for sticking this long and hearing me rant. Hope you’ll have a beautiful week and then month and then year and oh my, then the whole life!
Here, a rose for you:
P.S. will remove this post as a pinned one when my side-blog will become functional and will put a new one in its place.
╰─➛✎ᝰ theme is still going to be grey because this colorrepresents me so well
I realized my best friend and I are not talking / seeing other like we used to. I used to know everything about her and she used to know everything about me. We used to spend all our time together. I used to go at her house every weekend. She used to come to my house every day. We used to call each other during hours. Whenever I had something to say, I knew I could tell her. I knew I could count on her, day and night.
But now, she’s never available to see me. Now, whenever I call her, she never answers. Now, whenever I text her, it always seems like she’s busy.She’s barely replying to me. She basically just answers “yes” , “no”, “ok” , “idk”, or “nothing new”, while I’m trying so hard to make a conversation. I swear, I’m really trying to preserve our friendshipbutshe is not.
I remember the time i didn’t need to do that. We didn’t need to make effort. We didn’t need to “try”. We were just friends. We didn’t need that shit.
But today, I learnt she was engaged with her boyfriend for MONTHS. Months and she hasn’t told me anything! And she wouldn’t have, if I hadn’t texted her and asked her multiple questions…
I used to be her best friend. Her best friend. Our friendship meant so much to me and now it’s just fading away and there’s nothing I can do to stop that. It’s already happening. We used to share everything in this world. We used to be like sisters. And it changed. And it made me feel so sad.
Today I felt sadness again. I know what you might be thinking : “but you’re depressed! You have a blog about depression. Sadness isn’t new for you”. Well, it is. Sadness is not something I experiment a lot, in my everyday life.
It’s been a long time since I felt sad, and I mean sad in the literal way. It wasn’t like the usual stuff. It didn’t feel like my depression. It didn’t feel like when I’m having my crisis. I didn’t feel like me being depressed.
It felt totally different.
You see, my depression is very violent. When it happens, when it suddenly hits me, it hurts so much that I can’t even breathe anymore. I feel anxious, panicked, broken, hurt. But not sad. Not usually. Mostly, I panic, I cry, I scream, I hit my walls, I break stuff, I run if I can… And then, when the crisis is over, I feel this horrible feeling of loneliness, hopelessness, and emptiness growing inside of me, eating me up, stopping me from doing anything.
But I don’t feel sad.My depression is more about PAIN. But not necessarily sadness. And I haven’t feel sad for a really long time… To be completely honest with you guys, I almost forgot how it felt. When it happened to me today, I was confused and kinda lost for a while. I was like “what is this feeling? This is not how it usually feels like.”
I understood, later, it was just basic sadness.
Why I was feeling sad today is not important or relevant. The reason doesn’t matter. My point is :sadness is really hard to feel too; and it has nothing to do with depression. I knew that already but today I’ve lived it.
I almost forgot about it but sadness is really difficult to handle too. We often forget what it’s like to feel sad. Just sad, not depressed. Sadness is this feeling you have in your guts that makes you believe you will never be happy again. Like,it takes all your joy away and leaves you just like that. It feels like you will never be able to smile or laugh again. It’s really weird, cause you don’t really want to cry or anything. It’s like you’re shut down. You don’t want to do anything but listen to sad songs and think about whatever it is that makes you sad. It’s like a whole new state you’re into.
Sadness is pretty damaging too. To me, depression is worse, of course. But when you haven’t felt sad for a very long time and it hits you again, it’s really hard. You’re like “oh yeah, I remember it now, it sucks too!”
Anyway, what I learnt from this experience is that : once again, sadness and depression are not the same thing. You can feel sad, it doesn’t mean you’re depressed. And depression doesn’t always come with sadness.
Too sad to function .. a smol rant from smollcreator
I feel I’m at a bit of a crossroads over here. I just got back from vacation (I went to Mexico with 30 of my friends) and it was amazing I felt like myself again socializing and having fun, soaking up the sun and partying for the first time since Covid began. I’ve had this trip planned for over a year and it was my motivation most days. Something to look forward to, a reason to get myself up in the morning, motivation to head to the gym every day and eat healthy…
But that’s all over now, Mexico has come and gone and I feel like I’m looking down the barrel of a shot gun with an unknown amount of time on my hands and only bad things to come. Work stress, school stress and relationship stress all while being isolated and incredibly depressed. Mexico was a nice break.. I can’t remember the last time I went a week without thinking about suicide, but it happened in Mexico! I was so busy and surrounded by people who gave a shit about me I hardly had to smoke weed (which is basically a miracle if you know me well)
Coming back to this feeling has been a huge transition, and I wasn’t prepared for how drastic it would feel or how hard continuing on with life would be.. I need something to look forward to.. anything at all… but I can’t seem to find any light at the end of my tunnel..
- Get in bed by 11:30 pm, even if you’re not tired.
- Try to finish all your work.
- Set your phone away from you.
- Download the PDF tracker.
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Day 1
- wake up at 7 am or 2.5 hours before work/ school.
- Make a to-do list for the day. Groceries, laundry, assignments due, appointments - make it a habit to note it down around 20 minutes after you wake up.
- Start your day with 10 minute stretch. Do this before you eat.
- wake up at 7 am or 2.5 hours before work/ school.
- Make a to-do list for the day. Groceries, laundry, assignments due, appointments - make it a habit to note it down around 20 minutes after you wake up.
- Start your day with a 6 minute, deep breathing meditation. Sit cross legged as you face south east, close your eyes and focus on breathing deeply.
- choose a healthy option for lunch. Salads, soups, healthy wraps, a light rice bowl - eat something with lots of nutrients.
-Compliment someone at work/ school today!
-Clean your room.
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Day 3
- wake up at 7 am or 2.5 hours before work/ school.
- Make a to-do list for the day. Groceries, laundry, assignments due, appointments - make it a habit to note it down around 20 minutes after you wake up.
- Start your day by telling yourself any 3 affirmations. Look at yourself in the mirror and speak out loud. This could be something like …”Today is going to be a good day. I’m capable of accomplishing and handling everything sent my way. I am a positive, healthy person and I genuinely love the person I am, or I am becoming.”
- Drink 2 litres of water today. Add a piece of lemon or mint if that helps!
- Read 5 pages of any book of your choice. If you don’t like reading, then listen to this podcast (start at 1 minute to skip the intro) :
- write down a listofqualities you think you need to work on. It could be things like being on time, working on your anger, etc.
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Day 4
- wake up at 7 am or 2.5 hours before work/ school.
- Make a to-do list for the day. Groceries, laundry, assignments due, appointments - make it a habit to note it down around 20 minutes after you wake up.
- Start your day with a lymphatic drainage massage! This is a 10 minute video.
- Change your bedsheetsandcovers. If you have some lavender mist lying around, spray it under your pillow for a good night’s rest.
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Day 5
- wake up at 7 am or 2.5 hours before work/ school.
- Make a to-do list for the day. Groceries, laundry, assignments due, appointments - make it a habit to note it down around 20 minutes after you wake up.
- Start your day with a 6 minute, deep breathing meditation. Sit cross legged as you face south east, close your eyes and focus on breathing deeply.
- Drink 2 litres of water today. Add a piece of lemon or mint if that helps!
_______________________________________________
Day 6
- wake up at 7 am or 2.5 hours before work/ school.
- Make a to-do list for the day. Groceries, laundry, assignments due, appointments - make it a habit to note it down around 20 minutes after you wake up.
- Start your day with a 10 minute stretch. Do this before you eat.
- Tell yourself any 3 affirmations. Look at yourself in the mirror and speak out loud. This could be something like …”today is going to be a good day. I’m capable of accomplishing and handling everything sent my way. I am a positive, healthy person and I genuinely love the person I am, or I am becoming.”
-Call up your mum, family member, friends and have a chat with them. Find out how they’re doing.
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Day 7
-Sleep in till 9 am today if you like! But if you have work or school, get up at 7 am / 2.5 hours before you have to go.
- Make a to-do list for the day. Groceries, laundry, assignments due, appointments - make it a habit to note it down around 20 minutes after you wake up.
- Put on a face mask of your choice.
- Eat a healthy, filling breakfast. If you can’t eat in the mornings, then have a glass or two of water.
- If you can step outside, go for a 30 minute walk. If you’re unable to, then do some stretching at home.
