#fragments
your absence— severed hands decaying in the hollow of a skinned drum.
“..whatever/ returns from oblivion/ returns to find a voice.”
— Louise Gluck
Not sure if I should get rid of the title “Goodbye Dante”. I mean it’s not like he’s completely dormant anymore but he’s not fully present either. I think I’ll wait just to make sure he isn’t just a symptom of psychosis. Since he’s been back I’ve been hallucinating just a little so… We’ll see.
Last night, or early this morning, Dante made me cry out of my right eye… only. It was weird. I felt my eyes and made sure I wasn’t having an allergic reaction to figure out if what was happening was really happening. It started because, again, he’s freaking out about suicide. I told him that it’s the right thing to do. I apologized and said, “I’m sorry I’m just lost. No… I’m not lost. I know exactly where we need to go.” Then tears started streaming out of my right eye. The reason why this is significant is because Dante resides behind my (our?) right eye. When he’s not dormant that is. Also, yesterday morning I felt like I was being pushed from that side over to the left. Just gently. Not aggressively or anything. When the fragments are awake I reside only behind our (my?) left eye. I assure you these aren’t just some crazy ramblings of a mad man… I’m pretty sure anyway.
3-11-20 It’s (possibly) happening again.
This morning I believe Dante was trying to communicate with me. I was in the shower and started crying (in typical Dante fashion) and blurted out “But we love them!” I don’t remember what I was thinking about but I knew he was referring to my son and little brother. I FELT what he was feeling and talking about. My guess is that he’s been picking up on the fact that I’ve been looking into buying drugs online, to eventually od on, and that I’m getting closer to figuring out all the details. Dante doesn’t want to die. He’s too attached to certain things and people in this life. And then I started to say, “Well if you don’t want…” I was going to continue with, “me to kill us then you’ll come forward and stop me.” But he cut me off and made me start crying again and said, “NO MORE THREATS!” Then I think I was crying on my own at this point and said, “Okay. I’m sorry. No more threats.” Then I just kept apologizing. We were having a conversation about why I overdosed and why I feel that we need to die but he just won’t see things from my side. Then he fell silent again. But he did pop up randomly a few times while I was in partial (we talked, I was talking out loud to him and think I got caught) and I think he really might be waking up again :) I’ve missed him so much.
I almost forgot, on my way home from partial, I was listening to music (like I always do so I lessen the risk of having a tic attack/seizure) I started singing along OUT LOUD which I NEVER do. First of all I’m out in public. I draw enough attention to myself from tic-ing. Second my voice cracks like crazy. Nothing like still going through puberty as an adult lol But Dante doesn’t care. He LOVES music and will sing along to songs he likes. The more attention he gets the better. Dante = attention whore. Doesn’t care if it’s positive or negative.
I remember what I was thinking about in the shower that apparently sent Dante over the edge and freak out. I was thinking about when I should start fasting again. Last time I really started a fast was a couple days before my last overdose. So I suppose it makes sense why he’d be upset.
3-11-20 It’s (possibly) happening again.
This morning I believe Dante was trying to communicate with me. I was in the shower and started crying (in typical Dante fashion) and blurted out “But we love them!” I don’t remember what I was thinking about but I knew he was referring to my son and little brother. I FELT what he was feeling and talking about. My guess is that he’s been picking up on the fact that I’ve been looking into buying drugs online, to eventually od on, and that I’m getting closer to figuring out all the details. Dante doesn’t want to die. He’s too attached to certain things and people in this life. And then I started to say, “Well if you don’t want…” I was going to continue with, “me to kill us then you’ll come forward and stop me.” But he cut me off and made me start crying again and said, “NO MORE THREATS!” Then I think I was crying on my own at this point and said, “Okay. I’m sorry. No more threats.” Then I just kept apologizing. We were having a conversation about why I overdosed and why I feel that we need to die but he just won’t see things from my side. Then he fell silent again. But he did pop up randomly a few times while I was in partial (we talked, I was talking out loud to him and think I got caught) and I think he really might be waking up again :) I’ve missed him so much.
I almost forgot, on my way home from partial, I was listening to music (like I always do so I lessen the risk of having a tic attack/seizure) I started singing along OUT LOUD which I NEVER do. First of all I’m out in public. I draw enough attention to myself from tic-ing. Second my voice cracks like crazy. Nothing like still going through puberty as an adult lol But Dante doesn’t care. He LOVES music and will sing along to songs he likes. The more attention he gets the better. Dante = attention whore. Doesn’t care if it’s positive or negative.
3-11-20 It’s (possibly) happening again.
This morning I believe Dante was trying to communicate with me. I was in the shower and started crying (in typical Dante fashion) and blurted out “But we love them!” I don’t remember what I was thinking about but I knew he was referring to my son and little brother. I FELT what he was feeling and talking about. My guess is that he’s been picking up on the fact that I’ve been looking into buying drugs online, to eventually od on, and that I’m getting closer to figuring out all the details. Dante doesn’t want to die. He’s too attached to certain things and people in this life. And then I started to say, “Well if you don’t want…” I was going to continue with, “me to kill us then you’ll come forward and stop me.” But he cut me off and made me start crying again and said, “NO MORE THREATS!” Then I think I was crying on my own at this point and said, “Okay. I’m sorry. No more threats.” Then I just kept apologizing. We were having a conversation about why I overdosed and why I feel that we need to die but he just won’t see things from my side. Then he fell silent again. But he did pop up randomly a few times while I was in partial (we talked, I was talking out loud to him and think I got caught) and I think he really might be waking up again :) I’ve missed him so much.
When will this end?! Please make it stop! How do I make it stop?!
Can a heart still break once it’s stopped beating?
Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.
So the dead live on as ideas. Does that make your mind a graveyard or one of heaven’s hallways?
I guess we all have a little bit of ‘i want to save the world’ in us, but i just want to put it out there that it’s okay if you are able to only save one person and it’s also okay if that person is you.
Movie: Reality bites.
Some words and neat textures and colors on tumbled glass and pottery from the creek. A couple of these are over 100 years old, like the “Cola” piece from a brown straight-sided Coca Cola bottle.
The brown pottery fragment would have said “Royal Canadian Pottery” and was most likely the bottom of a teapot like this one on eBay. Not very old but still neat!
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