As a result of an error of the pilot of a transport plane, the fighters were dropped the cargo intended for the women’s battalion. Southern Rhodesia, January 1980
My girlfriend went to the store with her mom for black Friday and the price check out machines were making weird noises so she said “Everyone look out it’s about to explode” and she got everyone within 50 feet of her to crack up omg this is why I love her.
So my bf is in town visiting for a few days before he has to go back to work next week. He tells me that every night he cuddles a pillow when he’s away from me (fucking adorbs right) anyways he told me he always starts out cuddling but in his sleep he always pulls the pillow up and under his head. Well now that he’s here with me he cuddles with me and well he hasn’t broken the habit of moving his “pillow” under his head because in his sleep he literally picked me up and pushed me under his head, using me as a pillow
This is the funniest thing i’ve heard my entire life
Truth xD
This is literally me as a kid. Dad used to have the responsibility of giving out the well reports that came in on the friday night to anyone who phoned for the rest of the weekend. The problem was, on saturday mornings, he was doing the food shopping, so I was given a list of approved callers and he’d leave the well report figures by the phone.
Theoretically I was just supposed to list off the numbers. Except. Very early I started parsing the figures and give my own analysis. Apparently engineers and geophysicists got a bit freaked out by a ten year old going ‘It’s not that good, the flow’s really slow compared to last week, and there’s gas pockets really screwing up the flow in the east pipe judging by the pressure report.’
Dad still got that yelled at him at conferences: ‘This is the fucker who used child labour to do well analysis!’
Very Good Trope: Civillian is told “ stay in the car” while hero goes to confront villain. Hero gets in over head and all seems disaster. Civillian crashes car into villain.
Me, watching: ohhohoho! But they stayed in the car! Yesss, this is very good!
Half the fun is that they followed the letter of the order while violating the spirit. The other half is watching Chekhov’s Civillian smash through the wall.
chekhov’s civilian, i love it. you can stay.
Inversely…
Hero: Stay in the car, I’ve got this. (Goes fight Villain)
This might surprise you, but I do volunteer at a local daycare. It’s part of my work-release program, negotiated by my shark of a lawyer, Max. Turns out that all the other criminals had been accused of some kind of crime that directly disqualified them from working with children, but “doing burnouts for seven straight minutes in front of the police station until the tires exploded” is not one of those. So I help out the kids, and part of that help is repairing toys.
As any parent knows, children are hard on toys. There’s a couple reasons for this. One, toys are built to be cheap, because children are hard on toys. Two, a child’s interest in a toy doesn’t last very long until they’ve outgrown it. Three, kids fucking misuse the damn things all the time. Just last week I saw a pair of little boys pushing a toy truck down the sidewalk while making a “vroom, vroom” sound that clearly had too many revolutions-per-minute to be a lazy-cammed, big-bore Chevy V8. What, did they swap that shit with a Busso?
Anyway, one morning, the daycare supervisor presented me with a broken front-end-loader. A wheel had broken off it, and was nowhere to be seen. This one, unlike others, was licensed. Someone at the toy company decided the best way to add verisimilitude to the tiny plastic construction equipment was to call up Caterpillar and give them some money in order to use their logo. Just to be an asshole about it, I decided to also call up Caterpillar and ask if I could get a service tech to come out and fix it.
Here’s the thing about Caterpillar: if you tell them that you have a service contract, and then kind of mumble a bunch of numbers into the phone when asked about it, they send someone out to fix it. The next morning, a full-ton Ram showed up, towing a flatbed trailer. On that flatbed trailer? One single two-inch plastic tire, ratchet strapped down for safety. That technician did a pretty good job, although he got a little shirty with me when I pointed out that he didn’t bother to use a torque wrench on the little fake lugnuts.
C’mon, man, there are kids watching. You gotta set a good example.
So@stardusteyes liked one of my old Cats (2019) posts, which reminded me of a funny thing that happened recently related to that.
So last week, my sister (a.k.a. the one who dragged me to see the movie) texted me out of blue asking if saw any movies together in theaters in 2020 (pre-covid, obviously). I looked up what movies were out then, only recognized two of them which I knew we did not see, and reported back “No”
Turns out, since she’s been avoiding theaters since the pandemic started, Cats was the last film she saw in theaters.
I was quick to recommend Everything Everwhere All at Once, but I’m not going to lie when I say that there was some schadenfreude on my end.
I shared this story on Twitter, and it’s hands down my best embarrassing story, so I thought I’d give more context because it still makes me laugh, and looking back, my dad was the maybe the greatest:
I was a brand new yellow belt, I knew 2 forms, which were both just punches and blocks while slowly stepping in the shape of a capital I, so after I did both of those, and the song was still on, I started turning random directions and doing more punches and blocks. Got very winded but kept on through the song, which yes, is basically techno with people shouting, “MORTAL KOMBAT!”
That morning, I literally left the house wearing my gi and belt and had my dad drive my lizard and crickets to the school on his lunch break. He did not ask questions, but he knew. He knew. He delivered them anyway.
Post-Mortal Kombat routine, I walked across the gym as people clapped politely and returned with my lizard on a leash and the cricket cage all like, “Hold your applause. This isn’t over.” Then I put three crickets on the floor. They immediately hopped away. My lizard did not move at all. So I kind of dragged him around the slippery floor by the leash, panting and sweating, and occasionally asking my teacher how much more time I had. Eventually, she nicely told me my slot was over. Since I was last, everyone just quietly shuffled back to class.
I rode my bike home in my gi with my lizard and crickets in a box on my handlebars and thought it had been pretty solid, if only Ollie (the lizard) hadn’t gotten stage fright.
So I just went with my buddy while he got a rib tattoo, and they hurt like a lot, so he’s over there grimacing and being a huge manbaby so I just reach over and grab his hand so he can squeeze it because I’m a good person who helps others
And he’s clinging to my hand like it’s a life preserver and I’m being me and talking about nonsense like Grimace from the McDonalds commercials and how R2D2 is always ready to throw hands, and whatever, and the artist keeps glancing over at me and I’m like do your tattoo bro I’ve got my buddy handled
But then I realize he’s like, looking over because he can’t tell if he’s seeing something or not, and I glance down and I see my rainbow scalemail bracelet, and how I’m talking to my buddy all fondly and I’m like stroking his arm like he’s a wounded animal, and right as it clicks in my head the tattoo artist asks in his most nonchalant voice possible, like intentionally bland, I’m just talking about the weather haha what do you mean voice:
“So, are you guys close?”
And my gay ass is over to the side internally screaming because yeah, I am gay, but like this is just me being a good bro and my buddy is COMPLETELY OBLVIOUS TO WHAT IS HAPPENING BECAUSE HE’S A GARBAGE STRAIGHT PERSON AND HE SAYS
“Yeah of course, that’s why I asked him to come”
SO NOW THE TATTOO ARTIST THINKS HE’S RIGHT AND HE HAS A GAY COUPLE GETTING A TATTOO AND MY BUDDY HAS NO IDEA AND I’M AWKWARDLY SITTING HERE LIKE SHOULD I STOP HOLDING HIS HAND??? SHOULD I CORRECT THIS TATTOO ARTIST??? SHOULD I LET MY BUDDY KNOW??? MY GAY ASS DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE BEING INCORRECTLY ACCUSED OF BEING GAY, WHAT DO YOU DO
So that tattoo artist is like “Cool man, that’s great. Good for you.”
So then my buddy is like can I get some water, and the guy comes back with one bottle of water and my buddy takes a drink and then hands it to me, and I’m like obviously he has to lay down and needs me to hold his water so I just hold it in my hand, but turns out he was offering me water, so he turns to me and is like Colton, drink some water, and I take a drink and my garbage lizard brain is like “You’re drink sharing in front of the tattoo artist, now he KNOWS he’s right”
So we’re talking about tattoos with the artist and I mention that I’m getting a tattoo in September and my buddy is like “Yeah I’m gonna go and hold HIS hand for that one haha” and the tattoo artist FUCKING SAYS “I mean, I should hope so”
I MEAN, I SHOULD HOPE SO
I MEAN, I SHOULD HOPE SO
AND NO ONE ACTUALLY BROUGHT IT UP. I KNEW WHAT THE TATTOO ARTIST WAS THINKING BUT DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING TO CORRECT HIM. NOW WHEN MY BUDDY GOES BACK AND GETS HIS NEXT TATTOO IN THE FUTURE AND I’M NOT THERE HE’S GOING TO GO “OH WHERE’S YOUR BOYFRIEND”
