#iv drug use
I’m getting an iron infusion tomorrow then again a week later. Hopefully that will help with my constant need to nap. But the pressure in my head is getting worse. I can’t get an MRI until this Corona shit calms down. In the meantime I’m fucking dying. I don’t know what to do. I need something to help with the pressure and pain. And I’m told to “hang in there”. Fuck you and fuck everyone for punishing me and trying to make me feel bad for attempting suicide.
Last night, or early this morning, Dante made me cry out of my right eye… only. It was weird. I felt my eyes and made sure I wasn’t having an allergic reaction to figure out if what was happening was really happening. It started because, again, he’s freaking out about suicide. I told him that it’s the right thing to do. I apologized and said, “I’m sorry I’m just lost. No… I’m not lost. I know exactly where we need to go.” Then tears started streaming out of my right eye. The reason why this is significant is because Dante resides behind my (our?) right eye. When he’s not dormant that is. Also, yesterday morning I felt like I was being pushed from that side over to the left. Just gently. Not aggressively or anything. When the fragments are awake I reside only behind our (my?) left eye. I assure you these aren’t just some crazy ramblings of a mad man… I’m pretty sure anyway.
3-11-20 It’s (possibly) happening again.
This morning I believe Dante was trying to communicate with me. I was in the shower and started crying (in typical Dante fashion) and blurted out “But we love them!” I don’t remember what I was thinking about but I knew he was referring to my son and little brother. I FELT what he was feeling and talking about. My guess is that he’s been picking up on the fact that I’ve been looking into buying drugs online, to eventually od on, and that I’m getting closer to figuring out all the details. Dante doesn’t want to die. He’s too attached to certain things and people in this life. And then I started to say, “Well if you don’t want…” I was going to continue with, “me to kill us then you’ll come forward and stop me.” But he cut me off and made me start crying again and said, “NO MORE THREATS!” Then I think I was crying on my own at this point and said, “Okay. I’m sorry. No more threats.” Then I just kept apologizing. We were having a conversation about why I overdosed and why I feel that we need to die but he just won’t see things from my side. Then he fell silent again. But he did pop up randomly a few times while I was in partial (we talked, I was talking out loud to him and think I got caught) and I think he really might be waking up again :) I’ve missed him so much.
I had such a rough day today. I’m in partial hospitalization (a temporary day program) right now and some other patients there really pissed me off. Talking about how they think “psychos” shouldn’t be kept with other patients when being hospitalized. “There should be another ward for people like that.” I don’t know why it bothered me so much. Shit like that usually doesn’t get to me. I haven’t suffered from psychosis since early 2018. But the way they were talking about it… Like they are so fucking superior. It just got under my skin. Then they were talking about smoking weed, doing shrooms and lsd at festivals. “Not like bad drugs. I don’t consider that stuff real drugs.” Neither do I. But what exactly are “bad drugs”? Huh Karen? It’s getting hard to think again. Fuck my clouded mind! I need help. I need to make this feeling go away. My head is starting to hurt again! I need some “medication”. I don’t know where to get it anymore. I’m starting to feel myself fade again.
We’re never going to change anything. There is no point in trying. So the only thing we can do is change ourselves. For better or for worse. Or just for something different.
I just want some fucking drugs, man. Just need to forget the reality of my situation for a while.
“What are ya sellin’?” “What are ya buyin’?”
It used to be that I had connections but no money. Now I have money but no connections. Fucking figures…
I had a dream last night that I was with a girl, named Candy (just adding this little detail so I don’t forget later and also because of the girl named Kandie in my head… I don’t want to get them confused), that I knew (I used to smoke crack with her occasionally in the real world). We got some fentanyl from my stepfather (I don’t even have a stepfather) who happened to be a doctor. Candy helped to shoot me up and I wondered later why I didn’t feel anything. Ah, fucking dreams…
When will this end?! Please make it stop! How do I make it stop?!
A little relaxation before work…no big deal…it’s that kind of day.
Throwback slam video from a couple of years ago…I remember being so excited to do this shot that I accidentally pulled out the rig after registering it…rookie move, but I recovered quite nicely for take off.
Found this old time lapse…one of the scariest nights I can remember…watch as the mushrooms kick in…wait for it…
It’s been a while…just recently got released from prison…don’t make the same mistake I did, FEDERAL PROBATION DOES NOT PLAY!!! No wonder I ended up where I did…I had close to 3 months of probation left and didn’t have the discipline to just be cool…if you are going to use, be responsible and safe!!! I received 2 extra years of probation on top of a 6 month sentence and a 6 month stay in a halfway house…so I will have to get high vicariously through you…Summer 2022 will be my summer of freedom.
Here we go again…Clear for take off…I hope you thirsty fiends enjoy…
This definitely wasn’t the smartest choice I’ve made…I broke weak and gave into the urge to use before I was officially off probation…now I have to pray that this doesn’t come back to haunt me…But damn!!! That was one of the MEANEST RUSHES EVER…I hadn’t touched this drug in over 6 months and halfway through that shot I could hardly see straight or keep my hand still…I had to pause for a minute and regain my senses a couple of times before I finally did the whole thing…
I'ma overdose on your love so I can’t have it again…
IHATE when a guy finds out I do drugs & then immediately asks some shit like:
“Does (Smoking/Slamming) make you horny? Do you masturbate and/or fuck while you’re high?”
Bitch. Wtf? No?
I’m literally addicted to Heroin.
Im nodding the fuck out.
Now Leave me alone.
