What is wrong with me? I feel like no one needs me. I’m so lonely. I fuck up everything and everyone. I’m so useless and I’m sick of it.. Give me one reason why should l stay alive..

the hardest part is waking up in the morning remembering what you were trying to forget last night

Deine schwarzen Haare im Kontrast zwischen meinen Fingern. Deine breiten Schultern wenn ich dich von hinten umarme bis du einschläfst. Deinen ruhigen Atem, deine Haut, der Geruch von Schweiß, Parfüm und dir. Wenn ich meine Wange auf deine lege. Wenn ich ganz nah in deine dunklen Augen schauen kann. Wenn du auf mir liegst, verschwitzt, atemlos und erschöpft, sich dein Atem beruhigt und ich deinen Rücken streichle. Deine Hände an meinem Körper, deine Hände in meinen. Wenn ich dich beim Schlafen beobachten kann, so ruhig, ausgeglichen und friedlich. Ich dir sanft übers Haar streichle, dich an mich drücke und hoffe das dein Herz es spüren kann. Das sich auf wundersame Weise so deine Wunden schließen lassen. Ich liebe dich viel zu sehr um dich loszulassen, denke ich mir jedes Mal, wenn ich mich von dir wegdrehe um zu schlafen.

An S.

Glazed Eyes, Empty Hearts

My Mind | 18

I thougt he saved me but instead i just loved the company, the feeling that came through, the feeling i had, the kind of feeling i thought would feel nice. I was wrong. I didn’t feel the hapiness, the love I thought I would feel when I was with him instead I used him for my own purpose. I broke him cause i am broken and unable to love. Again I found myself in this black hole and I don’t know how to get out of this. Again I’m overthinking everything. How do I love again? How do I trust again. I stay up all night telling myself I’m alright but I’m not. There’s this one sentence that keeps spinning in my head. Maybe Life isn’t for everyone. I’m trying so hard not give up but it’s so hard. Living is hard. I fill this emptiness with alcohol drugs and guys who give me the attention but instead of feeling something I’m drowning. Everytime when I think I should be happy I sabotage myself…Why? Why am I doing that? I don’t wanna be alone cause my mind scares me. How do I make it stop? How can I shut up these voices in my head that keep teeling me I’m a bad person? Am I? I don’t know…

- a vision of ecstasy

Glazed Eyes, Empty Hearts

My Mind | 15

I’ve been trapped in my mind lately. Often than usual. What is it in our mind or hearts that makes it dependent on us humans that we think we can’t live without a loved one? How can we be so addicted to someone else who doesn’t even think of us? You keep thinking and thinking and at some point you’re so far that you don’t even realize how you got into the dark and now you don’t know how to get out. You’re trying not to think about it but you loose control over your thoughts. You’re trying to escape with drugs and alcohol but it keeps making everything worst. Suddenly you’ve reached your breaking point and think live doesn’t make any sence and you’re starting to have suicidal thoughts caus you don’t want to live in a world where everything you see and feel is either sadness or numbness. You try to remeber when you were happy and when this endless sadness have started. You can’t remeber. Living is fighting. I don’t know what will happen in 5 years. Will I be happy? Will I survive? Will I be dead? I don’t know. All I know is that it is hard when I hate myself. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 14

Today I wanna talk about friendships. What does a friendship means exactly? Does it mean that I have to do everything to keep them satisfied? When does a friendship became a toxic one? All my life I did everything possible to keep the one I used to call “my best friends” happy. I used to  say it’s okay if they talked about me behind my back cause we’re girls and thats normal right? When they planned a vacation without me I used to say it’s okay maybe they thought I had to work. When I told them I’d almost lost my virginity they used to judge me behind my back although they were no longer virgins. I thought it was my fault cause I was stupid enough to almost let it happen. I thought I did something wrong. At this moment I used to do everything to keep them happy. I lent money without demanding it back, I donated food without recieving a consideration. Just to keep them satisfied. Everything just to be not left alone. Now I’m alone and I still think it’s my fault, that I did something wrong just to be around someone who never really cared about me.They never asked how I’m doing. They don’t even know about my depression. This friendship was toxic from the beginning but I didn’t realized it. It happened slowly and step by step. I’m better off on my own. People are Poison. 

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 13

Today it’s one of those day where i feel completely lost and trap in my mind. This morning just went wrong. It just started bad. I had a dream about you last night. We weren’t talking either like in reality. You looked at me and I looked at you but I couldn’t get any closer to you and you didn’t make any effort trying talking to me so we just stared at each other. Even in my dreams my body reacts when I see your face. When I see your face I felt sadness and pain. I woke up wanted to cry. It’s hard not to think about you or not to miss you. I thought I could escape the pain in my dreams but now I see you there, too. I told myself I was done with you but*sigh* I guess I’m not that’s why I saw you in my dream. It’s been two month now since were not talking anymore. Did you even notice that I deleted your number? No because I was right, you never really wanted me to stay in your life. You don’t care about me. I could be dead. Would you notice? Everyday it gets worst and worst I’m on the edge of a cliff but don’t know what to do yet…

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 10

Yesterday I cried. I don’t even know why I cried. I’m so sad. I’m always sad, there’s a dark cloud floats over me but instead of rain it’s sadness that surrounds me. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. I can’t remember what Happiness feels like. Was I ever Happy?.. I’m trapped in my mind and the only thing that keeps me awake are my thoughts. I wish I could shut them out just for a while I’m so tired and I just need to rest… just for a little bit. I don’t understand people making jokes about depression, what’s funny about it? Did I miss the joke cause I’m not laughing. I’m so afraid of my thoughts that I won’t let anyone get close enough to me but how do I tell the person who wants to get to know me? People hurt People that’s a fact my mind is telling me so I’ll stay in the darkness of my thoughts and keep my distance It’s not healthy but at least I’m safe. I’ve been in the dark for so long that It has become my friend. I got some demons in my head they trying to trick me but that’s okay…. I’m used to it..

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 08

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted something up here, but I couldn’t write something I just didn’t have the energy. Let’s start with a Lyrics: 

I hope you miss me
I know you left but I hope you won’t forget me
I really tried to be my best when you was with me
I really tried to be my best and it got tricky
I hope you miss me I know you left
But I hope you won’t forget me
I really tried to be my best when you was with me
I really tried to be my best and it got tricky
I got some deep rooted issues in me
I got some deep rooted issues tryna fix this
I got some demons in my head they tryna trick me

I wonder why everyone around me leaves. Maybe it’s me, maybe something is wrong with me. That’s what I’m starting to believe. It must be me otherwise I can’t explain why people who mean the most to me are leaving me. Now I’m back at the dark place, lonley and no one there to help me out. I’m stuck again. My thoughts are circling me but the fact that I didn’t mean so much to you hurts. It hurts really bad. How can you end a friendship like ours just like that? Like.. I don’t know. We used to talk on the phone every damn day and now… nothing… Do you even think about me because I think about you a lot. You knew what I was going through and still you’ve decided to erase me out of your life… I guess I’m just not worth it. Everything seems hopeless, I don’t know what I should do and that’s driving crazy. I’m loosing my mind. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME… You were supposed to be the one who understands me but I was wrong how could you you fool me so much and bring me back in this position. How could this happen to me for the second time? Suddenly you told me I’m embarrassed. You don’t know what it feels like if someone says that someone who knows you’re already broken inside and fears to do something wrong in society. That’s why I have trust issues, but Ive choosed to give you a chance so It’s my fault again… that I’m lonely again… Like always…

- a vision of ecstasy

“Some days I feel like I’m healing

Some days I feel like I’m breaking”