#marriage

brad dourif characters x reader headcanons: marriage

marriage isn’t for everyone but if you did tie the knot, there is no way it wouldn’t be a wild ride with all of them, one way or another. warning for smut (mild).

charles lee ray

• no one could ever accuse this man of being a romantic
• (except he really, really is)
• legally he doesn’t care if you get married or not
• but you suggest it first (not a proposal) and you both mutually agree to it
• then he sort of proposes (with a ring and flowers) after you’ve already agreed
• if you want a legal marriage it would have to be before any of his murders are he is known to the police
• (he’s already known for petty crime but getting married would really blow his cover if he’s already a wanted murderer)
• you go to the nearest courthouse and have a bare minimum ceremony
• he wears the nicest suit he already owns
• and you go out and get a white dress that you could wear again to a bar
• you sign the papers
• then you consummate your love in the ladies toilets
• whether you go on honeymoon depends on how much money you have at the time
• either you go to a tacky wedding motel or you stay in and don’t leave the apartment for a week
• either way you’re having a lot of sex
• like seriously

jack dante

• it’s hard work to get him to actually go through with the wedding
• he is actually the one to propose to you
• after sex of course
• “babe, we should like, get hitched”
• he means it, he does, but maybe in a more metaphorical way??
• it takes some nagging but you finally get him to go down to the courthouse with you
• there is definitely a legal/financial aspect of your marriage
• like he may be the wild card employee but he gets paid ludicrously well for everything he contributes to the company (and to try and keep a little bit under control)
• if something happened to him (and he has no doubt one day bob might just have him bumped off) he may as well give everything to you, there’s no one else for it to go to
• neither of you dress up for the ceremony
• but you do buy some tacky bridal lingerie to wear underneath
• another bare minimum ceremony
• it’s not your first rodeo doing it in a public restroom
• it’s almost romantic, a repeat of your first time
• the white lacy panties are surprisingly very appreciated
• you have to convince him to move back to his old apartment together now that you’re married instead of hiding away at CHAANK
• he honestly probably forgets you’re even married until you bring it up

billy bibbit

• he proposes to you
• one day while you’re at home on a sunday afternoon
• lay together on the couch while you read
• “h-hey, i h-h-have sssomething to a-ask you”
• his stutters gets a tiny bit worse and you worry something is up
• “l-l-listen, I-I rrreally love y-you a-a-a-and I-” he has to pause and collect himself
• but you already know what he’s going to ask and you can’t keep from smiling
• “w-will you m-m-mmmarry me?”
• you throw your book aside and throw your arms around him
• “yes! yes, of course I will billy!”
• billy is a good christian boy so you have a good christian church wedding (unless you have other religious/secular preferences)
• it’s a very small wedding
• only your favourite family members and closest friends come
• same with billy
• he feels incredibly guilty for not inviting his mother, but he hasn’t seen her since he finally discharged himself from the hospital
• you reassured him and remind him that this is the start of your lives together
• he looks so dapper in his suit
• you help him pick it out
• he insists he doesn’t want to see your dress until the big day
• he cries when he sees you walk up the aisle
• loves calling you his wife, and you calling him husband makes him feel wanted
• puts your wedding photo in every room and carries it around in his wallet

sheriff brackett

• he didn’t expect he’d ever find someone he’d want to marry
• (what with his last marriage ending the way it did)
• when he realises he’s truly in love with you, and you with him, he plans his proposal
• it’s nothing extravagant but it’s absolutely perfect
• you have a romantic dinner together and he does a whole speech about how much he loves you
• and you see where it’s going but you let him go on for a minute until you’re like “do you want to ask me something?”
• he flusters about it but is very cute and finally pops the question
• “i - sweetie, i’d be honoured to make you my wife, will you marry me?”
• you have a church wedding (unless you have other religious/secular preferences)
• close family and friends only
• cries when you walk down the aisle
• annie gets very invested in helping with the planning and is probably more bothered about it than either of you are
• you have a (very) classy dress
• loves that he can call you his wife now !! the sheriff’s wife !!
• reception at your house, classic buffet
• lowkey you both cannot wait untl everyone just leaves
• *wink wink*
• you do have a first dance in private though after everyone leaves
• you’re both soft and giggling and the song is a cheesy love song but it’s perfect
• your wedding night is the height of romance
• your bridal lingerie really does it for him
• what better start for your marriage than him making you cum so many times that you lose count?

doc cochran

• you and doc didn’t think you’d get married at all
• neither of you felt the need to make anything official
• you both consider yourself as his common law wife anyway
• but something happens (either you get pregnant or some unrest with the camp politics makes the future seem uncertain) you decide you may as well tie the knot officially
• there’s no real proposal, he just sort of asks
• you go to the Grand where E.B (being mayor) unfortunately has to officiate
• you don’t intend to invite anyone, saying it is no one elses business
• but people catch wind (i.e. al, trixie and jane, merrick, maybe sol and seth) and basically invite themselves
• you wear your best dress
• and doc doesn’t half scrub up well
• Al invites you both back for a drink at the gem which you accept
• (“only one though, al” “sure, sure, you gotta get back home - the marriage bed is waiting - I understand”)
• the marriage bed is waiting though and you get kind of emotional when you go home together for the first time as husband and wife
• funnily enough no one shows up at doc’s that night for treatment and you have the whole night to yourselves

grima wormtongue

• it takes you both a long time before you admit your feelings for each other and commit to having a relationship rather than a friends with benefits situation
• marriages move fairly quickly in middle earth
• no sooner are you engaged are you at the alter
• wedding is moderately fancy because grima is doing pretty well being the king’s adviser
• few people actually show up who don’t have to be there though because neither of you exactly have a lot of friends
• grima almost clams up when it comes the ceremony because he doesnt want to say all this personal stuff about how much he loves you in front of other people
• but you both get through it and finally, finally you are properly married
• he’s very emotional when you consummate your marriage but he tries to hide it
• (but you know him too well)

tommy ludlow

• he proposes one morning after sex
• it’s only just getting light and you both have to get up for work soon
• you’re still sweaty and his face is pressed into your neck
• and in hushed tones you whisper back and forth
• “will you marry me?”
• it takes you a second to process what he said, “you wanna get married?”
• “if you’ll have me”
• you kiss him and whisper “yes”
• it’s a church wedding for you and tommy (unless you have other religious/secular preferences)
• he has a pretty big extended family and he has to invite them all
• your dress and his suit are second hand
• (because you’re saving for better things)
• laura takes a lot of photos for you
• including the classic confetti toss one as you leave the church
• takes you ages to comb all the confetti out of tommy’s hair afterwards
• cheesy first dance at the wedding reception
• you can tell tommy is nervous so you joke around and make sure he doesn’t take it too seriously
• when you get home? goddamn you ride him like there’s no tomorrow
• (still in your wedding dress)

leo nova

• it’s go big or go home with him
• 80s fashion at its best
• your dress is worth more than the rent on your old apartment
• he doesn’t see it before the wedding
• you’re surprised at how many traditions he sticks too despite him having the emotional range of a teaspoon
• not many people get an invite to the ceremony but it’s a wild after party
• like a bunch of coked out 80s gangsters ?? amazing
• the honeymoon is next level
• you go to some tropical holiday resort (caribbean, thailand or spain) and it is all sun, sex and sangria for two whole weeks

tucker cleveland

• didn’t think he’d want to get married again
• but in reality he just didn’t like his first wife all that much
• takes you out to dinner and proposes
• when you say yes he is honestly relieved
• but because he doesn’t want to get emotional he calls over the waiter to get your free dessert
• courthouse wedding
• you do insist he wears a suit though and you buy a white dress
• does the whole “just married” thing on the back of his truck
• actually takes you on a honeymoon (sort of)
• you go out of state and stay in a motel for a week
• (vigorous sex ensues)
• now you’re married good and proper you can be his good little wifey

Holy fack! I’m blogging again! This is so nerve racking. I feel like this is season two, and the pressure is on. Maybe this season won’t be as powerful as the first. A lot of you wrote to me saying, “Go for 100 Tinder dates!” I could have. I haven’t deleted Tinder or anything. But I need to expand my horizons. You can date anywhere you go in life, through all sorts of outlets. You could go up to a hot guy in Wal-Mart and offer to buy him a can of tuna. (If you can find a hot guy in Wal-Mart.) The sky’s the limit. Of course, my whole point of My Week on Tinder was to prove how fun being single is. And I don’t know if I proved it to you, but I definitely proved it to myself. I’ve never had so much fun in my life.

Oh, I facking LOVE everybody who told me to keep writing. It’s why I’m here right now. As we know, I’m a tragically lazy person. Blogging is the only thing I committed to last year. I know I need to keep writing, no matter how strong my fear of public grammar errors is. So I thought about what I wanted to make my next blog. My first choice was to stop showering and shaving and start a modern day cavewoman’s blog. But that seemed a little too close to my real life, so I didn’t see the niche. I thought about trying a dating blog based on Christian Mingle, but I just discovered 3:16 is not Pi. (Pi is actually 3.14159265359- the exact number I say when people ask me how many people I’ve slept with.)

But then I thought of an idea I had months ago, when I had interest from a producer who wanted to develop my blog into a reality show. He asked me what I wanted to call my show. I thought about it, and the title that best represents my life, is “Resisting Marriage.” I was swiftly shot down.

 “You can’t use the word “marriage” in the title. Young people won’t watch it.”

Hmmmmm… I said “resisting marriage.” I didn’t say “FACK yeah Marriage rules!” The word “resist” was in my title. Heaven forbid we send a message to young people to NOT rush into marriage. That it’s okay to be unmarried at 30. Let’s keep letting them believe they should be married by 25! Beat the rush! Do it at 23! Be the first! Right out of high school! You’re the winner! (And divorced by my age.) I see marriage like sky diving. If I do it, I’m only doing it once. (And it may kill me.) It’s a social convention that was invented when people only lived to be 27. Now that we’re all gonna (hopefully) live to 100, don’t you think we should take our time with this? Maybe wait a while? Make sure we’re done sowing our wild oats? Find someone who just gets that you’ll never fill the Brita? And more importantly, be okay if we find him a little later in life? I’m in my 30’s, and I’m just startingto get really good at being single. I want to ride this out for a while. I get it. Marriage is a tradition. But the only tradition I’m still truly behind is retirement.

Oh, this is where I cover my ass and say, “Oh, but I do know super perfect couples, still in love! It can happen!” That’s true too. Everybody’s different. But on the wake of a Beyonce/Jay-Z break-up, we also have to realize break-ups can happen to anybody… My friend Kathleen McGee has a hilarious joke about married people. Or maybe the joke is about blowjobs. Let’s just print it and see:

“I always hear married women complain about giving blowjobs… I actually like giving blow jobs. Tell you what… I’ll blow your husband, you go to Costco. Everybody’s happy.”

(-@Kathleen_McGee on Twitter)

No matter what your reaction to this joke is, I watched it KILL in Vancouver last week. When the crowd laughed as hard as they did, I knew there was a real truth to this. Yikes. I don’t think I’m ready to replace my sex life with twelve boxes of Q-Tips. I’m actually hoping for more .5’s in this blog. I’m getting closer to my sexual peak, and I only like using vibrators on the outside, if you get my drift. (I save the inside for boys.)

So, this is my new blog. Resisting Marriage. I’m gonna live my single life, date, pursue my dreams, and pray for no typos. I have a weird theory that the reason I don’t desire the whole wedding day thing, is because I’m a stand up comic. I already get enough time in the spotlight. I don’t need that one “big day” where all my friends watch me walk down the aisle in a big white dress. Plus weddings take a LOT of organization AND money. Two things I don’t have. Personally, I think I can skip that whole industry. (Some people argue that I won’t organize it- my maid of honour will. Making my BEST FRIEND do all that work does NOT make me feel better. I’d actually feel guilty. Plus, I don’t even like cake.)

I trust you know I’m organically happy sleeping alone every night. I almost cherish it. (I’ve slept with a lot of people who snore.) We’ll see what happens. I had no idea what I was doing when I started my last blog, and I have no idea what I’m doing now… That’s the fun thing about a blog. Nobody telling you what to say, or what to do. This is really me. Even if I’m a total facking idiot.

But here’s where I remind you of what an idealist I am…

I honestly believe that if we grow up a little slower, “put a ring on it” a little later, we can abolish cheating. Everybody hates cheaters. Nobody means to cheat. But it’s happening- and to good people. You hear it all the time:

“Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.”

How about this:

Let’schangethe game.

Let’s say you can’t buy Boardwalk until after you’ve been around the board at least a dozen times. Let’s allow people to land on our property a bunch of times, before we build hotels, and take all their money. (Is this analogy even close to making sense?) The game is long. No point in peaking too early. (I don’t think I’ve ever figured out how to end a game of Monopoly.)

So welcome to my new blog. Where I will (hopefully) prove to you a marriage free life can be fun. I want to be a landing pad for the newly single. (Which I think I already am.) Breakups are disturbing. Being single is awesome. You just have to remember to breathe through the transition… 

Remember to love life, as much as you love a significant other.

(Or, I end up hopelessly in love and married a year from now, and we all look back on this blog and laugh at me.)

Keep Calm, and – Wait, that’s facking done. How do I sign off with this blog?

Using my fingers for things other than rings,

 Walkinsauce

(K, I’m gonna work on that. I can do better.)

P.S. I have THREE dates this week. Get ready.

“There are going to be times, long period of times, when you can’t stand each other.” - Michelle Obama on her marriage to Barack Obama ❤️

2 days left to the next chapter of citrus plus!