#mental health matters

The night I realised I needed therapy

It was 2 in the night, and I was watching

a reaction video on my phone. It was 2

in the night, so I let my mind go and let

it roam freely wherever it wanted to. It

had been on the leash the entire morning.

It was 2 in the night and I didn’t anticipate

what might happen.

I remember distinctly that I was breathing

fine. I was breathing fine, a moment and

the other I was racing along with my

thoughts. It wasn’t too late, and my body

started racing around my room too. It was

2 in the night, so I decided to not wake

people up. People, what people? I’m alone.

Sometimes I wish to sleep this feeling away,

but if I sleep now, I’ll be caged in my mind

where my sleep demon awaits my arrival,

and I am not ready for that rendezvous.

Hence, I’m awake. Trying to breathe, trying

to sleep, failing at both.

I clearly remember, meeting him, them,

when I briefly closed my eyes. It happens,

not a lot but in the night, when it’s 2, that’s

the only thing that my brain does. When I see

them, I don’t see colors, I don’t hear their

voice, I see them and I see myself through

them.

When I look at myself, through them, I see a

sack of blood and flesh, lying on the bed,

Immobile and frozen. I see a pathetic body

not even trying to fight it, using the 21

seconds rule as an escape to not move. It’s

almost as if she wants to stay in this state

forever.

When I see myself looking at me, I feel

frantic. I hate myself at that moment, but I

can’t, I just can’t move. I know if I stood up

right now, I’ll fight it. I’ll fight with everything,

I’ll run away, and I’ll be gone and if I lay there

all night, without moving, my judgement

would stare me down and leave me in my

misery.

They are getting closer with each thought

that chokes me. I want to break the barrier

and just hide in the bathroom. Why am I

resisting this? They are here, reaching out

to me and there’s nothing more for me to do

than join them and live in this vulnerability.

Some people just don’t understand how validating a diagnosis can be. Like with my parents, they worried that getting a diagnosis would be “letting it define me,” and that “there’s no point in confirming what we already know.” But having a professional sit down and tell you you’re not faking or overreacting is so relieving. Of course, there are downsides and not everybody feels the need for one, but if someone wants a diagnosis, listen to them.

I’m still very unemployed, but I did get a one week dog sitting job and honestly getting paid $200 to watch a very cute and sweet german Shepard for the week is what my mental health needs rights now.

This episode is a reminder that being mentally tough is as important as being physically strong

Hey y’all.

It’s been a minute.

I’ve been struggling with my mental health and with things in my personal life. But I am back.

If you have BPD you know the struggle.

*texts bestfriend at 9:30am knowing she is at work* hey babes, hope you have a good day! Talk to you on your lunch.

*does not reply cuz working*

12pm on the dot. *texts bestie* hello! How is work going?

*doesn’t reply; getting her shit together for her break*

12:03 *texts bestfriend again*

❤️☺️

*does not text back; still getting her shit together*

12:10 *texts bestfriend again, anxiously scrolls through Instagram. Keeps closing and opening bestfriend and I messages. Keeps thinking what if I did something wrong.*

BISH. WHAT DOING.

12:30 *gets reply from bestfriend*

Hey babes, sorry, I was getting my shit together and went to sit in my car. How is your day going? Work is work you know. Nothing fun.

*texts back immediately*

OH THANK GOD. I thought you were mad at me.

I need you doesn’t seem

powerful enough even when I

speak it out loud. You don’t

feel the urgency in my texts

either; saying, “I know, baby but

I’m here, okay?” I can’t seem to

get myself out of the loop; the

worst of me placed on repeat in

my mind so I cry. When you hold me

I feel good inside until it’s time for

you to roll over and close your eyes…

I sleep in your clothes to try to keep

myself from believing that you don’t

love me. The smell of you surrounding me,

helping me fall asleep but even in my

dreams, the demons speak. "He never

loved you.” "They’ll always leave.”

I wake up and you’re there but I can’t

feel you. I don’t feel the love you hold

for me; numbness spreads over me and

I feel the lies penetrating. You look at me

worried and I smile through the pain;

“Don’t look insane. He’s done nothing

to make you feel this way.” You kiss me

and it silences my brain for just a little…

I find myself distracted; laughing until

I’m alone and the inward reflections are

nothing but hate speech and degradation.

When I cry you ask me why and all I can

say is, “It’s so scary inside my brain.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I haven’t felt like being vulnerable, like sharing, or being raw for a while now because I’m exhausted. I have had so much time during this quarantine/lockdown to sit with myself and it’s been hard for me. I have realized that I haven’t healed as much as I thought I had… That I have a lot of bad habits, 0 coping skills, codependency/abandonment/trust issues, self-esteem issues, etc, etc… I started therapy again to try and deal with my issues and maybe find some solace. I always come back to this search for solace… I’m not sure if I’ll find it anytime soon but at least I’m writing again (here and there…)

So, anyways… Here’s a poem. I hope to talk more about this shit in the future because this space has always been a place where I felt like I could share, where I could possibly help someone feel less alone and maybe more understood… Mental health is so hard; it’s so different for everyone… As is the path to finding healing and peace… I hope that you know that if you struggle with feelings of worthlessness, self-hatred, shame, guilt, intrusive thoughts… Whatever… You’re not alone and we’re gonna be okay eventually. We just have to keep fighting… Keep trying. You are loved even if you can’t feel it right now.

ReBecca DeFazio

More Than A Flower

I have ADHD and Executive Dysfuntion sucks!
How do you combat it? Make it fun!
Part 2

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We’re over, but so is the self-destruction
You leaving lead to my one man production

Solitude made me realize I can’t do this alone
But instead of dumping it all on you, I went and picked up the phone

You’re the reason I got help.
I wish I could tell you.
I hope you don’t hate yourself.

You have quite a funny way of expressing adoration
Or maybe I’m just imagining things
Bored and lonely with nothing better to do
Than pine for your adoration!

They say I gotta stop living in fear
But damnit, I’m afraid

Expected to ride the choppy waves
As if I’m on a damn lazy river

My raft the bodies of those who don’t seem to matter
I don’t know if it would be worse to recognize a face
Or to become one of the unrecognized ones…

You don’t know how to have a good time
Without being out of your fucking mind?

But I’m the one that’s “crazy”?
I’m the one that’s lame?
Stop talking down to me,
Neither of us deserve to feel ashamed.

I hope that you can get the chemicals in your brain in order
I wish you were sober…

Ironic that the cost of living is basically my life
Sacrifice, sacrifice
Pay the price, pay the price

I just want to come up for air
And fucking breathe!
But, no!
I don’t have time for that…

Growing up is lonely
Wish I could shed this scarred skin
Instead, I must be constantly reminded of the past
Constantly having to plan for the future
Never living in the moment
The weight of the world constantly pulling me
In both directions
Tug of war is not only for children
Unfortunately…

Expecting me to wave a white flag.
Instead, I dye it red with your blood!
It belongs to you anyways

Of course, you continue to wave it with pride
You’ll find someone else wearing rose-colored glasses
I wish I could protect them,
But sacrificing myself to keep tabs on you isn’t worth the cost.

Hate me. 
Do you, do you
Hate me?
Or is that just the thoughts speaking nonsense again?

They’re pretty loud. 
Kinda difficult to think of anything else
When they give a bloodcurdling scream!

Ignore them?
Tell me,
If someone was wringing at your neck
Consuming your lungs
Driving out all the air from your body
Draining out all of the life from your soul…
Could you truly ignore that?

Why am I only worth something
If I become a shell of a human being?

Being crushed by the weight of the expectations myself and the world place on me
My body only being held up by the podium of my accomplishments…

What happens when there’s nothing left to hold me up?

Thought that the thoughts would stay at bay as we grew closer,
But, I guess that they never truly go away

So, what do I do now?
Accept that the thoughts will always be there?
Or just…push everyone
Away.

So then, I can at least be positive as to where they stand…

Why is the only fucked up one me?
Why am I the only tragedy?
Always on the edge of catastrophe
Catastrophizing

Maybe I’m not always crazy.
Maybe I’m not always wrong.
But they all say I am.
Say I need help.

But who wouldn’t lose it
If they were being mistreated
And being told
They weren’t even being mistreated in the first place?

Maybe I need to stop being so sensitive.
Shut off my feelings like a light switch 
Dimming the light inside of me in return…

But that’s okay!
As long as everyone else is happy!
Their light will keep me…warm.

Despite the distance they keep me at
I can’t indulge too much in kindness!
Might make me too greedy!

She grounded my chaos
Saw the storm and said 
“I am not afraid!”

Told her that it might suck her in
She said “I won’t let it.”

Was worried she’d try to tame it
Instead, she grabbed my hand
She held it as we watched the storm go by 

“You are not alone in this.”

We were like gold
Until you were told
I needed basic respect
Then, you sold us down the river
Said our love was worth its weight in gold

So, you cashed it in for profit
But, there were no takers
And you’re still the victim, it seems!

My thoughts are chaos, especially when I am trying to put pen to paper. Writing them down allows me to organize them neatly, but the problem is now that I want to make them perfect. Perfect! Wow, will I ever be over the perfectionism bullshit? Oh wow it’s getting hot, gotta roll up my sleeves. Do I have anything left worth saying? Stop that, your words mean something you dumb fuck. Potato. Well, maybe except that one. I like the flowers on top of my notebook. I hope I don’t ruin the pages. Have I written enough? Should I write more? You’re fine! Oh shoot, it’s still hot. I guess I’ll go to bed. 

Anxious.
Anxiety.
Quiet thee, brain!

Commotion! 
Devotion to the chaos
Endless thoughts
Can’t seem to
Hold onto one
Yet they make me
Nervous!

Do I deserve this? 
Disservice! 
It is that I exist this way
Instead of being a productive machine!

Demeaning words
Brain says more
Demeaning words

How do I sort through this shit
When my brain is constantly
Throwing
A 
Fit.
Jumping

Can’t just sit
Agitated, I’m
Ill-fated
Destined for the world to collapse
Around me.
…yippee. 

I found myself waiting to be told to begin this assignment. When I heard that we should have already been starting this assignment, I immediately felt overwhelmed. I am behind. I am going to fail this entire class. You know, the usual anxious anxiety thoughts of anxiousness. I wonder what it’s like to not immediately spiral into anxiety lol. I wish I had tea, but I’m stuck in this lab since I didn’t have time to go home. This hard, stiff chair isn’t exactly the epitome of comfort. I guess I just have to do my best to make do with what I’ve got. 

Pretty bold of you to say that I’m overreacting
Would only acknowledge my bleeding 
Accompanied by blood curdling screaming!

Because it began to stain your clothes
Left me to rot…
While you bought a new shirt.
Said it was a pity I died!
But, I’ve survived worse.

Told me I was miserable when I was getting better
Because I wouldn’t let the gaslighting comments just
Roll.
Off.
My.
Back.

You didn’t understand why they were no longer keeping me warm
When they never kept me warm. At all.

I’d rather be comforted by hell’s embrace!
At least hell is honest with its intentions. 

Brain fog

Foggy fogginess

want to do things but thoughts are

mush.

Completing sentences is hard

Because the words are out

Of

Reach

Floating in the fog

mush.