Every time I see a post like “Having ADHD is…” or “Neurodivergents are…” and I find myself relating to it kinda fucks me up.

Like… is this thing I do really a symptom of this whatever? and how many of these symptoms do I need before considering if I have this? Or is it just like a sort of common thing that I only exhibit because I share blood with someone who does have ADHD? And me sharing a symptom of this is just a fluke of genetics?

I mean, these sorts of posts are really good because they help people find others like them and understand more things about their own mental illnesses (I know I’ve found some interesting things about my own illnesses from various online posts) but they also create this weird little crossover world that I keep accidentally sticking my feet into.

And I also know that most of these conditions are really difficult to diagnose properly so perhaps only having one or two similar behaviours doesn’t mean I have any level of the condition.

My own personal theory is that people with mental illnesses/neurdiversity all have the same little glitch in their brain that causes this condition to develop, and because it’s the same glitch even though it causes different reactions, it can mean that there are little mistakes. So, specific symptoms can cross between conditions, without any others appearing. Of course, I’m nowhere near being a doctor so this is pure speculation, please tell me how it actually works/what information I’m missing because I’d like to learn why this happens.

I have a Patreon where I share advice, insights, research and more on navigating life with Borderline Personality Disorder every month. It includes tips for dealing with various aspects of BPD, as well as supporting someone with BPD!

It costs only the cost of a cup of coffee per month, and every contribution means quite a lot to me. ☕

It’s also linked to a Discord server to connect with other BPD-ers and I host virtual support groups for Patrons as well! ❤️

You can join here.

Veth’s Journey as a Metaphor for Body Dysmorphia.

I was just thinking about how one would showcase different mental illnesses in dnd when I realized the perfectmetaphor for body dysmorphia has already been done without even intending it.

Veth Brenatto aka Nott the Brave was transformed by a hag (we’ll call the hag mental illness for the purposes of this metaphor) into “everything that [she] thought [she] was” before she was cursed the hag was told “make her suffer”. She covers herself in bandages to avoid herself or anyone else seeing her. She avoids reflective surfaces. Even being called “Nott the Brave” in her goblin form…some days it takes real bravery to exist in your own body. And that name reflects that.

But the real thing that gets me is her first scene with Yeza. When she’s seeing Yeza for the first time she’s under an illusion that makes her look like her true self. But underneath that illusion she knows she is truly a goblin.Yeza sees her but she is existing in her goblin form, her body still feels like a goblin. She’s afraid for Yeza to see her the way she is and afraid of what he might think of her. Yeza sees Veth, but she knows how she truly looks underneath this illusion. And when she talks to him he keeps saying “but it’s still you, right?” and she can’t understand how he loves her, grotesque appearance and all. She voices this and he asks “you think that matters?” and she says yesbecause how could anyone love her when she looks the way she looks? Even the scene where Yeza is touching her face to see bits and pieces of the goblin beneath, this could be beautifully equated to describing bits and pieces of how you see yourself with body dysmorphia and letting someone you love see how you see yourself bit by bit.

Going back to the hag being mental illness, this actually works perfectly with how the Mighty Nein v Hag went. They didn’t fight her. Nott made her known to them, and they did all they could, they were ready to defend Nott and do whatever they could to break her curse. But they didn’t fight her. The only person who can fight and defeat your mental illness is you. Jester offered this hag a cupcake. This cupcake is what allowed the curse to be lifted because what your friends can do is distract, be there for you, comfort you, and take care of you. Even after the curse was lifted, Nott didn’t transform back immediately because she needed time. She needed time to work on herself and make sure she was ready. Just because you know the problem doesn’t mean you can implement the solution. I know my body dysmorphia in and out but it still haunts me because I need to do some more work on myself. It takes time to unlearn things.

Eventually she transforms back into herself, into how she is truly. This is accomplished using friends sticking by her, loving her, being there for her, helping her find a way to become herself again. Still though, this experience as a goblin will always be with her. She won’t be able to forget it, not truly. I know that this metaphor isn’t flawless, that you can’t be cured of body dysmorphia. But I’m not looking at her transformation back to her body as a cure, more just her transition out of her darkest days. The days when it was the worst, when it was the hardest.

There’s more little tiny things that I can add in the comments because they’re not as moving as these points, but I just wanted to share. Feel free to add on.

Am i out of the woods yet?

Reality is a weight i must learn how to bear.

jesus-and-jaffackes:

Dear mentally ill men:

We have something inside us that is our enemy, that is sometimes stronger than we are, that can kill us.

Sometime we feel weak, sometimes it gets the better of us, sometimes people tell us that makes us not real men, sometimes people tell us we’d be better if we just stopped needing to be a man we’d be better. 

Neither of those it true. Our masculinity is a real part of our humanity and no one should be using it to forbid us fro needing help.

And put it this way: do you really think we would have survived this long if we weren’t real men?

I need a vacation from my mind and body

Everyday I say today is going to be better, that today is going to be a good day.

And

Everyday is a waste of energy, everyday is more disappointing than the last, everyday sucks more than the last

I’m hanging on by a thread and maybe just maybe, it’s time to let go.

I feel like a ghost, I’m neither dead nor alive.

I just exist in between.

In the real world I’m that girl that doesn’t eat, the girl who goes to therapy, the girl that’s falling apart.

But

On here, I fit in, I feel safe - comforted by the fact that I’m not alone, on here people feel the way I do, and I don’t feel so crazy anymore

I don’t know if I should be a comforted by this as much as I am, or if I’m even more broken than I thought.

forever standing up too fast and traveling to another dimension so hard you have to blink really fast to land back on earth.

My days lately feel so long, I exist from one day to another barely accomplishing anything.

My lack of sleep make things feel so much longer and tedious. I feel like I’m walking though sludge. My mind is a muddle.

Each day is more disappointing than the last but I don’t have the energy to die.

I’m just existing.

I’m so tired right now. I’m tired of breathing. I’m tired of surviving.

I just want to stop.

I love my dog so much, it’s like she has super spidey senses and knows exactly when I’m about to go off the deep end.

It’s like she knows I’m super upset and liable to do something fucking stupid so she just sits on me, gives me cuddles and demands so much damn attention that I can’t do something stupid.

She also reminds me that I’d be leaving her behind if I was to do it and I couldn’t do that.

My mind goes in overdrive a lot like it just can’t stop thinking. It jumps from one thing to another, so erratically I can’t keep up and the thing is nothing makes sense.

When my mind gets like this, my skin gets itchy like I need to do something and I don’t know what it is, I have this dire need to something, anything if it’ll calm my brain but nothing does.

This can last for a day, a few days, a week, a month and the entire time I just can’t think and I still have to pretend to be okay, pretend that I’m coping, but really my thoughts are drowning me.

Ramblings

I feel like one of those old abandoned, crumbling houses. Y’know the kind you cross the road to ignore because they’re ugly and they make you feel kinda sad.

I feel exactly like that, I mean someone could make that house nicer by doing it up a little, painting it, fixing it, but it’s not really worth it because that house will still be ugly and sad looking. It’s not worth the effort.

You might as well knock down the old house, make it go away, one less ugly thing, in this sad world.

I’m told on a daily basis by multiple people how dangerous this illness is, I myself realise how deadly anorexia is BUT I can’t stop, I physically can’t stop.

It’s addictive and uncontrollable - I know that no matter what goal I hit, I’ll always lower it because it’s not enough because there’s always more to lose, always a lower number to hit.

I’m unhappy being stuck in this cycle but I’m even more miserable without it - anyone who even slightly feels this way please get help.

“Love”…

Who will dry ur eyes when it falls apart?

I haven’t really been feeling like myself lately. When I wake up I don’t wanna do anything. And when I get out of bed I don’t do anything. I just kind of waste my time. It’s funny because I have all these goals and ambitions but I just can’t bring myself to accomplish any of them.