I miss being a kid

When I was a young child, I told myself I wanted to live up to 100 years old— that was my goal. I wanted to live a long life. I was absolutely terrified of dying.

Ten years later and I’m begging the universe to kill me. I’m praying to God— if there even is one— that this will all end.

Honestly, I didn’t even expect to make it this far. I never thought I’d be able to see myself turn eighteen. I graduate high school in a month. I should be happy but I’m not. I feel so lost. I wasn’t planning on being alive for this long. I don’t know what to do, what steps to take, which direction to go— I’m lost.

Is anything even worth it? Should I keep on pushing? Should I go to college? Should I continue working?

Or will it all be a waste of time? “I won’t be alive in the next ten years so I guess nothing really matters.” I find myself often repeating that line.

That’s the thing about life though. You never know what the future will hold. Maybe I will be dead in the near by future. Or maybe I’ll be alive and finally happy.

The only thing I can do now is focus on the present. Let’s just hope I have enough strength to even do that…

This is a poem I wrote a few months ago for my creative writing class. I’m working on my mental health and I’m trying to better it. It’s hard though.

Anyways tell me what you guys think :/

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LONE

Inspired by the song, Snow by XXXTentacion

The world is in black and white

My own brain is against me in a fight

I think too much and it ruins me

I’m looking for any chance to flee

What’s the point in living if you’re already dead

I couldn’t wait to grow up but now I feel so misled

I’m scared to face the problem so I run away

Weight on my shoulders while my heart decays

The only friend I have is the reaper himself

My life is deteriorating along with my mental health

The thought of happiness scares me, beyond and above

I use people with the intention of feeling loved

It never works, I end it, I tell them they did nothing wrong

I feel so sorry that I stringed them along

They become hurt and angry, I know it’s my fault

I always make sure that I’m locked in a vault

I surround myself with strong walls

Walking through life while I stumble and fall

I will always be alone and that will never change

For I am a lone wolf, venturing the cold mountain range.

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sometimes i wonder how many times you thought about giving up on me

probably more than i could ever bear to hear

✨Let‘s get lost in this other world

I died a long time ago. Now I’m just an empty shell of person, who never really existed

Broken thoughts

I always thought it was other people, who hurt me the most. But then I realized I’m the one, who does the most damage. I’m the one who’s being self destructive, and constantly filing my head with thoughts of never being good enough. So, who really is the bad guy?

Broken thoughts

“Why must you push away those who care for you?”

-The question you should be asking is not why I push you away, but why you stay

“People live to save themselves”

-Sakunosuku Oda

I’m getting closer and closer to the edge, but nobody cares; not even myself

Broken thoughts

“Sometimes the only way to heal our wounds is to make peace with the demons who created them”

Broken thoughts

I feel like drowning…

It really makes me wonder, how when I was younger, I wished to live forever. Now growing up I just wish, it would end soon…

“At the end of the day we will always be alone”

Broken thoughts

I’m just a broken record

Broken thoughts

What even is the point of life?

Broken thoughts

You know it’s bad, when you have to cry into your pillow, so nobody will hear you

Broken thoughts

I’m just a waste of space

Broken thoughts

“Good people are like candles; they burn themselves up to give others light”

Broken thoughts

One of the hardest pills I had to shallow was realizing I meant nothing to the people, who meant the world to me

Broken thoughts