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So after months of being stuck in this rut, I can gladly say that I’m finally moving ahead towards the right direction. What makes me happy and apprehensive at the same time is that when June comes around, I could potentially be anywhere..
London, Nottingham or I could still be here in Birmingham. It still excites me though that the future is unwritten. I haven’t received any interviews or offers as of yet but I’m confident that I will be hearing from some soon.
I could even take the next step and apply abroad because that would be an even better opportunity…I’ll see what happens though.
It’s feels good to cut off the shit from my life. And I feel as though I may be drifting apart from some people…I will let it happen. I won’t be the one who makes them stay.
I want to be free and to do that I can’t hold onto any expectations…
Anyway, enjoy this song here, it’s got such a catchy tune:
There are some events in life that occur which seem to break your world apart…or it feels like that at least.
I remember the first time when it felt like my world was ending. The night before it happened I was restless and I felt happy like everything was starting to make sense. And so I woke up with a smile on my face. I started to hum as I got ready for school… as random as it sounds I still remember the weird taste of the toothpaste. I was brushing my teeth when I got the news. She had passed away. That one phone call changed me forever. Going from quite a high to a depressing low…it all felt strange. In that moment, I fell back into reality. I woke up…I really woke up. At that time I didn’t know it but that would just be the start…there were more bad things to come.
I can say that this quote is in fact true. Life Goes On. You might think it’s all coming down and it won’t get better but it does and it’s good when it does.
I won’t lie and say that it lasts because for me the good times have never lasted! Maybe because I’ve never let them…or it’s just the way life is meant be. You can’t always be happy but then you can’t always be sad either!
I’m soon going to be entering a new phase in my life and I’ve decided that next year I will be travelling and I will somehow get to Italy. I’m trying to follow my instincts here - for many years I’ve been wanting to go but something has always come up. Next year will be the year! Travelling will be a good opportunity to find myself and do a bit of ‘soul-searching’ - as you do! :)
Next year I will do things differently and open myself up to different opportunities. I won’t let little things get to me. Instead I will accept them and move on!
You and your cult members are trying to summon the devil, he appeared, covered in blood and wounds, begging: “They’ve slaughtered us all, even gods and angels, help us my child”
“I’m sorry- WhAt?” Your fellow cult member yelps, staring at him. “You’re a guy?”
With an exasperated sigh he shook his head. “Yes! Is that all you have to say? You’re my last hope!”
Finally out of your trance, you agree to help him, as long as he tells you who ‘they’ are. With a horrified, distant look in his eyes, he whispers “hippopotami.”
summary: he needed a way to tell marinette he was sorry. that he was sorry for not telling her about him. that he was sorry for missing their dates. that he was sorry he was the reason they broke up. that he was the reason she was dead.
5.game on | fluff, humour, damian being a simp for marinette
summary: lady noire met red hood – another not-so-welcomed vigilante like her in gotham. you would expect the two of them to hit it off, maybe work together, but it was the complete opposite. it was hate at first sight.
summary: “i dare you to go to that man there,” alya pointed at an, admittedly, handsome man, “and ask him out on a date using puns.” alya finished her dare with a smug smirk.
summary: “oh,” tim quietened down and jason relished the silence. until, well, dick apparently snatched the phone from tim and screeched, “marinette’s a ghost!”
summary: “oh,” tim quietened down and jason relished the silence. until, well, dick apparently snatched the phone from tim and screeched, “marinette’s a ghost!”
Jason walked out of the graveyard feeling a palpable sense of loss and yet…yet, he felt lighter than before.
And for the first time, since he came to Paris, he actuallylooked around. His loss hit him harder, but in some ways, it made him feel a little better too – it reminded him of Marinette.
He smiled wistfully as he remembered the times Marinette would gush about Paris and how beautiful it was. Jason could see the appeal now.
He only wished Marinette was there.
◇─◇──◇─◇
An hour later, as he walked into his hotel room, Jason saw that he had 283 missed calls from literally every single member of his family.
He had left his phone here so that he didn’t have to deal with the constant phone calls he would have definitelygotten.
Jason picked up his phone and sighed as he waited for it to start calling.
As soon as it started ringing, the phone was picked up by a hystericalTim screaming, “FINALLY! Why didn’t you pick up the goddamnphone?”
Jason huffed, his voice raspy. “Becauseidiot, I left it in the room. Now is there a reason why you’re screeching like a banshee in my ear?”
“Oh,” Tim quietened down and Jason relished the silence. Until, well, Dick apparently snatched the phone from Tim and screeched, “Marinette’s a ghost!”
Jason sat up straight. “What the hell, Dick? That’s not even funny.”
He heard Barbara’s voice in the background. “Dick, you idiot, we toldyou not to tell him like that.”
“Can someone tell me what is going o-” Jason was interrupted by Tim, who said, “Check your email – I’ve mailed you a video.”
Setting his phone aside, Jason opened his laptop and clicked on the mail. It was a video…from a camera near the graveyard.
What the hell?
“Whywere you spyingon me?” Jason asked into the phone, outraged.
He heard Damian snort. “Why, Todd? Because we were-”
“-worried about you!” Dick finished.
“I wasn’t going to say that!” Damian yelled.
“I know,” said Dick, apparently exasperated. “That’s why I interrupted you. Anyway, have you watched the video yet, Jay?”
Jason involuntarily flinched. That was what Mari used to call him.
“No, not yet,” he said, voice raspy.
He heard Tim sigh on the other side of the line. “Then watch it already!”
When Jason clicked on the video, he had to make sure he wasn’t seeing things.
It showed him walking into the graveyard with about a hundred other ghostly people watching him!
“This is not some elaborate prank it is?” Jason suddenly asked.
Dick huffed into the phone. “Do you really think we’d actually dosomething like that?”
“Point.” Jason conceded and unpaused the video.
It showed him putting the flowers and…Jason rubbed his eyes to make sure it wasn’t a figment of his imagination.
Marinetteas a ghost was watching him.
“What the actual fu-”
“Language, Jason,” said Bruce.
“Is this for real?” Jason asked, still watching the video intently.
“Yes. I’ve been looking through the JL files for something that would tell us why wecan see it and not others but I haven’t found anything yet.”
Jason sighed as he tipped his chair onto its hind legs. “All right, call me up when you do.”
For once, Jason appreciated Bruce’s ability to read situations as he said, “You’ll be the first one to know if we find anything,” he confirmed.
There was an awkward pause, and in a much gentler tone, Bruce said, “Get some sleep, Jason. Give yourself sometime to process this.” And he hung up.
And for the first time since Marinette died, Jason felt the semblance of a realsmile break out on his face.
It was nice to know Bruce cared.
◇─◇──◇─◇
The next morning, Jason felt sufficiently refreshed and watched the video Tim sent him with a clearer eye.
He noticed that if he looked closelyhe could see faint outlines of the other ghosts flickering in and out.
So. This only applies to the people who I know.
That was interesting.
As he walked down to breakfast, Jason made an effort to not let his hopes get up. The chances were slim that Marinette would be coming back to life.
For the rest of the day, he toured around Paris – mainly the places Marinette loved. A kind of tribute to her, in a way.
First, he saw the Eiffel Tower, then a small coffee shop by the Seine and finally the Louvre.
He visited her parents, too. It was awkward to say the least.
But after Jason explained his reason for being there (I want to know more about Marinette; about her childhood, everything before we met) the ice was soon broken and before he knew it, they were going through memories of Marinette’s childhood.
And as they went through every memory, Jason sawwhy Marinette loved her parents as much as she did.
Tom & Sabine Dupain-Cheng were one of the kindest people you would ever meet. Yes, Marinette’s death had caused a wound that would never truly heal but they didn’t let that affect their life to the point where they felt there was no need to live anymore.
They managed to see the light in everything and that was what Jason appreciated the most.
When he reached his hotel room that night, his laptop rung almost immediately with a call from Tim.
As soon as he clicked on acceptTim’s voice – unusually hesitant – came over. “Jason,” he said – and Jason felt an odd sense of foreboding when he heard that. As if there was news, just not good news. “We have some news about Marinette.”
Despite his utmost efforts, Jason couldn’t help it when his heart beat faster. “Yeah?” he said, hoping his voice didn’t reveal what he was feeling.
Apparently, he had succeeded because Tim’s voice was much stronger when he spoke this time. “Bruce called Zatanna for her help because she knows a lot about magic. And…”
He trailed off.
Jason waited, listening for an answer. “And?” he prompted.
“Well, uh-” Tim mumbled.
He knew it.
“She said, Dupain-Cheng is not coming back,” said Damian with his usual bluntness, only in a tone that Jason would consider gentle.
“Damian!” Jason heard Dick yelp. “You didn’t have to say it like that!”
Before Damian could respond, Jason inhaled sharply. “It’s alright, Dick. I think I was kind of expecting this.”
“You were?” Dick asked cautiously, obviously afraid Jason might go suicidal.
Not that he could blame him, Jason thought wryly. He hadn’t been the most mentally stable people over the last few months, had he?
“Yeah.”
At their silence, Jason felt the need to explain himself. “I guess, it all started when I came here to visit,” he explained, trying to say what he felt in words. “I visited Marinette’s grave and all the places she liked. Then her parents. I guess…I guess, it gave me a kind of closure. The closure that I needed.”
Jason spread his hands helplessly when no one said anything. “I can’t really explain it better than that.”
“That’s very…insightful, Jason,” He didn’t even know Bruce was there. “I think I understand what you’re saying to some extent.”
Exhaling, Jason suddenly felt drained. Maybe that took more thought than he had realized.
“I want to stay in Paris for some more time,” he said, wanting to get thatover with as soon as possible.
“Absolutely,” Dick said firmly, as if daring anyone to disagree with him. “Stay as long as you need, little brother.”
Jason didn’t even realize he was crying until he felt the tears on his face.
◇─◇──◇─◇
As he went to bed that night, Marinette’s death hit Jason harder than ever, but instead of the overwhelming loss he had expected…Jason felt hopeful.
Maybe, just maybe, he would move on. Not get over Marinette, absolutely not.
But he could follow Tom and Sabine and try to move on.
I read my old blog today. It made me realise I will never forget my first love. Even when I am happy with someone new. Even when they are married with a kid. There will always be a part of me that longs for them and that is okay.
The only thing that describes how falling in love with the right person feels it is home. Suddenly having that constant feeling of belonging somewhere and to someone, constantly having the feeling of having every thing in the world, constantly knowing you are happy and it is all because you feel at home wherever you are, as long as you are with that special someone. That is what love felt like when I was in love.
But then it started getting hard. Our schedules kept us apart, my school and job kept me away for days and phone conversations got shorter and less frequent, meeting in person became a once a week thing, date nights disappeared from our lives, we started driving each other insane. When he left for a vacation and we didn’t speak for a bit more than a week, it felt good. It felt like freedom. I realized then, that I felt trapped in a relationship I was not able to keep alive. I realized that the same relationship that used to be my source of energy was draining me and that I was being unfair to me, to us, and mostly to him.
So I broke it off and continued my life like nothing ever happened. But then the volleyball season was over and so were my job obligations, then the school ended and the second my schedule cleared enough for me to catch my breath I broke. I knew, he was my one in a million, I knew he was the one, I knew there will never be anyone else like him in my life, but I also knew I put him through too much already and I was not going to put him through it again so I never bothered telling him I still loved him, even if he said it to me every time we saw each other on the street.
I often think about us. About what would happen if instead choosing work over him, I chose the other way around. I think how happy we could have been, how our lives would be different, but then I remember that he moved on and is happier than ever. I remember the time I saw them on the street and he looked at me with a huge amount of love in his eyes, but a love different from the one we felt before. I remember I knew then that it was as real for him as it was for me, that we were each other’s right person, but it was just the wrong time and now it is too late. He is in love with someone else, they are happy and so am I. I am happy for them. And I will eventually find someone I feel at home with too, I will be okay.
