#overwhelmed
I overthink because I know how replaceable I am. I’m no one’s first choice or anything special to someone, I am nothing.
sorry for everything. it’s difficult for me to be consistent if i’m not motivated enough or if i feel like i’ve run out of ideas. i love minecraft, but i can only play so much of it before i burn out and not play for like a year or two. then i start playing it again. it’s a cycle i guess
i’m sad tonight, how’re you? ✨
sleepy
ughhhhhh
“Sometimes, life is fucking hard. It’s unforgivable and ruthless. I know it’s not supposed to be easy, but I can’t help but to think about the what if’s. What if my life could somehow change into something else? What if people who used to be close to me came back? What if. What if. What if.
Destructive and intrusive thoughts keep me awake at night. My mind replays the past over and over and over again. Places I wish I could go back to. People I wish to talk to again. Memories to drown myself in. Moments as a teenager, whether good or bad, to find solace again. What if I could revisit those times? What would I do? What if. What if. What if.
Sometimes I wish I could talk to those I still love. Old friends. Old lovers. Distant family. I still care about people who’ve done me wrong. It must be the way that I’m wired because I still care about all those who’ve entered and left my life. What if I could talk to them again? What would I say? What would they say? What if. What if. What if.”
—S.V//What If//@sempiternal.poet on Instagram
Everything spills right out of me
Unable to hold anything inside
It is funny with that so called poetry
It flows out there when all I want is to hide
All at once is parts from my overflowing mind
Leaving me unable to filter out what’s better left unseen
Indeed that so called poetry is one of its kind
Having me struggle to figure out what my very own words really mean
Attempting to contain my emotion riddled clusters
Failing to structure that chaos breaking out
Caught up in all that whispering blusters
That conjure a cacophony, unbearably loud.
I. Hate. Covering. My. Lower-back. With. A. Flannel. During. Summer.
Not about the tears but about the emotions behind them.
When it rains, it pours
“In a dream you saw a way to survive and were full of joy.”
I feel hopeless, exhausted, and alone. I’m turning 29 in 3 weeks, and I’m just tired of it all. Toiling away at a job where I feel so fucking lost, out of place, and just altogether overwhelmed - all for a paycheck that purports to fund this pitiful excuse of a life. Because what else does my life consist of apart from work?
I crave intimacy. I need a shoulder to cry on. I want someone to let me vent and scream and hold me, so that maybe I won’t have to cry myself to sleep tonight. I need friends at work and outside of work that I can vent to. Commiserate with. Because isn’t that what makes all of the shit that life throws at you bearable: the knowledge that you’re don’t have to do it alone? I want to fall in love. I want to be in love. I want the joy, the longing and yes, the pain of love. At this point, I’d settle for lust, even unrequited love. A crush. I haven’t felt anything for anyone in over four years - how the fuck does that even happen? I miss how I used to be. Often, easily, and deeply infatuated. I used to fall hard. I miss that feeling, even if it was mostly a lie. Perhaps these things evolve with age. Like once you start to interact with these boys men and realize that for the most part, they ain’t shit, maybe it hardens you. So you’re not as easily swayed the next time.
Finally, as I titled this post, when it rains, it pours. So of course while I’m struggling to deal with all of shit, my health has taken a turn for the worse. Without getting into too much detail, I’m kind of worried. I’m following up on it, quietly saying a prayer. And hoping I’ll all be okay.
if something so good is meant to be, then why do I feel like it’s going to fall through my fingertips like the water that drips down in the sink after touching your body? is this sadness coming from a portion of me that is afraid of losing you or am I just succumbed to the doom of an unhappy life?
if my anxiety and insecurities could fuck off, that would be amazing