#painful reminders
There is this feeling I get after my heart breaks, metaphorically of course, I do know hearts are muscles and do not break, but when something that felt so real and so infinite ends, I cannot help but feel like my body is physically hurt.
It feels like my ribs are breaking, one after another, in different spots and they keep breaking and breaking, putting more and more pressure on my chest, making it impossible to breathe. I feel the air coming through my nose and never making it down my windpipe because it is being crushed by my chest collapsing into itself. There is sharp pain in my throat when air touches it and soon I cannot breathe at all. My eyes hurt, they are bloodshot, bleeding, blood dripping down my face onto the ground and it hurts. My body is shaking and there is no way to stop it, it moves with every inhale and exhale and even when my chest is broken down and barely gets air through, my body still shakes, my muscles keep cramping, contracting stronger and faster and at some point, my body does not handle it any more. It shuts down.
Then a new kind of pain begins. There is a headache I can feel right in the center of my forehead. It starts there, where the emotions are controlled, it starts where everything started to fall apart. If feels like every single cell there is shutting down, either dying or slowly burning to death. It almost feels like needles stabbing every single one of them, making the brain unable to control whatever is going on. It moves up and affects my thinking, making me believe there is nothing left for me in the world, making me believe, there is no plan, no future.The pain spreads to the top of my head, makes it unable to move, makes my whole body hurt again, all the ribs breaking, the body shaking, now it gets worse. It affects the vision and makes it even blurrier and all I see is him in front of me, everywhere I look and that hurts even more.
After my whole brain feels like it is bleeding out and being torn apart, the last part of brain starts to hurt. The little piece of where every perfect memory is stored, where memories of first dates, kisses, ‘I love you’s and so much more, live, that is the part that hurts the most. This little part is the main reason the whole brain is hurting, the only reason my body is breaking. The memory of perfect little moments of time we shared is why breakups make me think there is something physically wrong with me when it happens, because it does affect my whole body, it affects every cell that lives inside me and all of them start hurting at the same time.
He said the worst thing about a long distance relationship is being left behind every time she has to fly back home. He said leaving is the easier role because you just walk away and go home, but being left behind is a constant reminder she was there. The room smells of her, his clothes she borrowed smell of her, the bathroom has a shampoo or two left behind that bring nothing but pain, there is still her favorite food in the kitchen, food he bought just because she was coming, now food no one will eat. And the first morning after she leaves and you realize she is not by your side anymore when you wake up, he said that is the worst pain he ever knew.
