I just want some fucking drugs, man. Just need to forget the reality of my situation for a while.

I think it’s time to start again.

I had a dream last night that I was with a girl, named Candy (just adding this little detail so I don’t forget later and also because of the girl named Kandie in my head… I don’t want to get them confused), that I knew (I used to smoke crack with her occasionally in the real world). We got some fentanyl from my stepfather (I don’t even have a stepfather) who happened to be a doctor. Candy helped to shoot me up and I wondered later why I didn’t feel anything. Ah, fucking dreams…  

When will this end?! Please make it stop! How do I make it stop?!

I wish that I had enough social skills to piss the right people off to get myself murdered.

I just wanted to update since I haven’t posted in about a month. 

I’ve improved a lot & I’m expected to make a full recovery within the next few months, according to my PT. 

I don’t want to broadcast the specifics of my medical issues for personal reasons, but  basically I was having mobility issues & couldn’t get around without great difficulty.

The past month has been really stressful because my family has also been having minor construction done on our home. It’s pretty disturbing having strange men in and out of my house all day when I am home alone & can’t walk or move properly. Pair that with my history of trauma, & I was clearly on edge.

So right now I’m trying to focus entirely on getting better. I’m sorry I didn’t respond to any of the messages I got. Things have just been really overwhelming. But I really appreciate all the kind words, so thank you to those of you who sent them!

Asks are turned off for the time being & I won’t be checking my messages for a while. I’m not ignoring anyone to be mean I’m just dealing with a lot.

Thank you for understanding! 

Also, I’d like to remind people again that this isn’t an advice blog. The only advice I give on this blog is in the form of my posts, which are from my own, very specific life experiences. I’m not a therapist. I’m not qualified to be a councilor of any kind. I can hardly handle my own issues, so taking on other people’s problems is not a good idea. 

That being said the internet is a big, big place and there are plenty of resources you can go to vent or get advice for free.

I’ve heard 7 Cups of Tea is a good, free place to vent, thought I’ve never used it myself. The listeners are not therapists, so obviously use it at your own risk.

https://www.7cups.com/

thechronicchillpill:

if you are not wheelchair bound, and need to step out of your wheelchair, please do it.

even if youre in public, dont worry about what people will think or say, if you need to get out of your wheelchair, do it.

you dont owe them an explanation, you dont deserve whatever stares or comments youll attract, and you are still disabled, you still need the wheelchair even if you dont need it constantly.

dont let what people might say or do stop you from getting out of your wheelchair.

I get weird looks when I’m out on a walk and have to get up to fix my smart drive motor, when I cross my legs, when I pull my own chair out of the trunk and put it together. But none of those things mean I’m not disabled and don’t need my chair. Use your mobility aids!

Hi yes please don’t play “Pain Olympics”. Everyone’s pain is valid!! Your headache, backache, or sore throat are just as valid as my chronic pain. Yeah overall my pain is a lot worse, but it’s all relative. A backache could be the worst pain someone has experienced you know? That is all thank you

Life Update #2

(I’m not even sure if anyone reads these, and that’s okay because I partly use this blog as like a diary in a way idk)

I’ve decided to divide this update into three sections to organize my thoughts and make this flow better.

Physically: The past few weeks my chronic pain hasn’t been nearly as bad as usual. For about a year straight I had this chronic butt pain (I know that sounds weird; the pain was near my sitting bones so not exactly my butt). It was to the point where I couldn’t sit, lay on my back, or lay on either side without being in excruciating pain. Like words can’t describe how bad it was. I had an MRI done and it was normal, but my doctors could tell I wasn’t exaggerating the pain, so they recommended physical therapy three days a week. However the closest one my insurance would approve is like an hour away and I simply couldn’t make that trip three days a week. Luckily I’ve discovered some things I can do to prevent the pain (certain stretches, walking around after sitting, changing sleeping positions, etc).Now that this pain is pretty diminished I’ve been doing a LOT better. On the downside, my digestive system is completely throwing me for a loop and my dysautonmia has been pretty bad. My cardiologist increased the dosage of my beta blocker though and I’m noticing an improvement. As for the digestive system issues I’m figuring out what foods I can and can’t eat and I’m doing better.

Mentally: My mental health has been a little up and down. Back in like late September early October I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I have the tendency to shut down when I’m overwhelmed, so I think that’s what was going on. I also found out I was deficient in B vitamins, which definitely could’ve played a role. Then I had a few really great days and accomplished a LOOOT of stuff that I had to get done. After that though I started to feel bad again. It’s like some weird cycle I’m going through. I guess that’s normal though- we all have good days and bad days. I think I do better when I give myself “tough love” and force myself to do something. Like I’ll force myself to shower or go hang out with friends, and I feel a lot better and get more done. It’s like I gotta force myself to break the cycle.

Personal Life (ie school): For those of you who don’t know I’m currently a senior. My course load is pretty simple this semester (AP English lit, AP government, dual enrollment human biology, and physics because my school doesn’t have ap or honors physics for some reason.) I’m glad my courseload isn’t too bad because of college applications, scholarships, and SAT prep. I’m taking the SAT one more time in November because I wanted to improve my score. So far I’ve applied to like ten scholarships so that’s good!! Honestly my main focus is my college applications. I’m applying to UCI, UCR, UCLA, UCSD, USC, Pepperdine, Yale, and Brown. Obviously the ivys are reaches but you never know!! USC is my dream though. I’m planning on majoring in biology (or something similar like human biology, biology with focus on medicine, etc depending on the college), and becoming pre-med. I know you probably think I’m wild to go into medicine with all my health problems, but it’s my dream man!! And in the twelve years of schooling/residency a cure or something might come out and I’ll be great! Or even if one doesn’t come out I can still try. I’d rather try and fail then never try at all (hence my applying to Yale and Brown).