#poeticstateofmind

Found amazing Spoken Word content on Spotify that I decided to make a playlist for it. Give it some love and appreciation.

I’ve never found sunsets to associate with hope, if anything they are the most depressing of the things.

The best love stories are the ones which lasts enough for you to love and find yourself and ironically they are also the worst.

The night I realised I needed therapy

It was 2 in the night, and I was watching

a reaction video on my phone. It was 2

in the night, so I let my mind go and let

it roam freely wherever it wanted to. It

had been on the leash the entire morning.

It was 2 in the night and I didn’t anticipate

what might happen.

I remember distinctly that I was breathing

fine. I was breathing fine, a moment and

the other I was racing along with my

thoughts. It wasn’t too late, and my body

started racing around my room too. It was

2 in the night, so I decided to not wake

people up. People, what people? I’m alone.

Sometimes I wish to sleep this feeling away,

but if I sleep now, I’ll be caged in my mind

where my sleep demon awaits my arrival,

and I am not ready for that rendezvous.

Hence, I’m awake. Trying to breathe, trying

to sleep, failing at both.

I clearly remember, meeting him, them,

when I briefly closed my eyes. It happens,

not a lot but in the night, when it’s 2, that’s

the only thing that my brain does. When I see

them, I don’t see colors, I don’t hear their

voice, I see them and I see myself through

them.

When I look at myself, through them, I see a

sack of blood and flesh, lying on the bed,

Immobile and frozen. I see a pathetic body

not even trying to fight it, using the 21

seconds rule as an escape to not move. It’s

almost as if she wants to stay in this state

forever.

When I see myself looking at me, I feel

frantic. I hate myself at that moment, but I

can’t, I just can’t move. I know if I stood up

right now, I’ll fight it. I’ll fight with everything,

I’ll run away, and I’ll be gone and if I lay there

all night, without moving, my judgement

would stare me down and leave me in my

misery.

They are getting closer with each thought

that chokes me. I want to break the barrier

and just hide in the bathroom. Why am I

resisting this? They are here, reaching out

to me and there’s nothing more for me to do

than join them and live in this vulnerability.

ज़िन्दगी का फलसफा भी कितना अजीब है शामें कटती नहीं और साल गुज़रते चले जा रहे है.

-पीयूष मिश्रा

Translation -

How strange is the philosophy of life, the evenings do not end and the years are passing by.

- Piyush Mishra

25. Anxiety

One moment you are sitting still,

the other you’re not. The worst

moment for anxiety to hit is

probably when you least expect

it. Can you expect it though? It

waits for you to be weak, or to

be your happiest self. It strikes

when you feel nothing and then

your whole world comes collapsing.

Anxiety, holds you hostage in your

own body. Sucks your soul and

keeps it that way, lifeless and

unattended. It’s the feeling of heat

in an air-conditioned room, the dip

in your heart while taking a dump,

the paralyses induced when you

hear about that one trigger that you

just discovered is triggering.

ANXIETY, the word is enough to

render you inactive, perplexed,

agitated, sad, and all the other

emotions you can’t name. This

blank document writing itself

and bringing within it the anxious

scrolling while the heart still dips

and beats in tones not understood

by me.

24. A paranoid hate poem

The walls piercing through their plaster,

as if watching me, mocking me, there

are four. I’m locked in a room and my

demons are feeding on my mind. The

bed shakes sometimes, and sometimes

it refuses to move, it holds me close

and screams that it’ll never let me go.

I’m locked in a room and my demons are

feeding on my mind. My bookshelf sits

there, waiting for me to run my fingers

through it like I used to, but I don’t have

that childlike enthusiasm left in me like

I had in November. I’m locked in a room

with my demons who never let me sleep.

I’m locked in this room with my demons,

and they are feeding on my soul. I’m

locked in this godforsaken room, seeking

an out and these demons are sucking the

life out of me. I’m locked in this room

awaiting my sweet release.

I know it’s a difficult time and a difficult world that we are living in. I hope you haven’t lost your hope. I won’t say that it will get better because I don’t know if it will but I’m certain that we can live this through, one day at a time. I hope you all the power and strength.

Love and prayers your way.

23. PSA

Breathe in……..

..2

..1

……..Breathe out

..4

..3

..2

..1

Repeat

22. To whomsoever it may concern

Can you breathe?

The air passing you by, the

moments too. The undesired

quest of knowing and not

knowing. The inability to rest.

Can you smell?

The bodies, rotten and dunked

in blood, with no one to pay

heed to. Then waiting in despair

with no one in the waiting.

Can you taste?

The salt in their eyes, the misery

imposed by the system. The

horrible, sour, bland flavor of

a failed regime.

Can you hear?

The screams, the wailing, the

howls, their cries. They are still

waiting and screaming. Can

you hear them?

21. Notes from the journal

For those who alone did trot,

waiting for a miracle to come,

they often are not looking too,

for a sign to pass them by. Done

with the world, evading their

shadows, holding it by the helves.

For they don’t need anyone to survive,

they are whole in themselves.

20. Incredulous

They tell me not to read mythology and

believe aimlessly what is forever told.

Of the formation of this universe, the

chaos that metamorphed into the sun,

the stars, the planets, you and me. The

violent rage and act of defiance by

Amnon and his death acting as a deterra

-nce, probably the first where the crime

did someone free. Did you know of all the

Greek tragedy, my favorite is the one told

bySophocles? It talks of love, honor, the

duty, oppression and tyranny as it unfolds.

They tell me not to read mythology and

believe aimlessly what is forever told.

I recall now that I once read, of woman so

strong, warriors she fed. Madhavi was her

name and she bore it with pride, she was

used as a fortune by them. Alas, it was

written by men. Forever, I did try to find the

genesis of his highness Macbeth or of

Sisyphus, who twice cheated death. If you

close your eyes, you can hear poor Orpheus’

lore.

They tell me not to read mythology and

believe aimlessly what is forever told.

When they ask me to believe, I do often

gather, the four horsemen making their way

to end the world, but I’d take hurricanes and

tsunamis rather. Fearless as they are, it’s the

women who call me from the narrative they

are written in, always longing to be at par.

The mightiness of the men, their heroism is

at what the story is often sold.

They tell me not to read mythology and

believe aimlessly what is forever told.

19. Questions unanswered

In the quest of knowing and not

knowing, the remembering is

what baffles me profusely.

For I shall never know

what it holds for me

and what it holds

against

my solemn

self.

18. Yugen

Can you hear the music

echoing in the streets?

There are voices too doleful

to take no notice of.

Can you hear them scream

and crying in the streets?

The voices now deafening

destroying the credence.

Can you feel their voices

calling out for help?

The agony, the distress

still calling, but now it’s too late.

17. We exist

I don’t know which type I am. The A

type which is always ready to for an

adventure, would want to talk on the

phone and not really on the message

Or the B type, the one who really lie low,

loves to be left alone with their

thoughts, just need a book and coffee.

I don’t know which type I am. I am the

one who wants to be there, always,

with my friends, having fun and seeking

adventure but not always, I carry my

favorite book to my favorite places

alone and in that quest, I start feeling

lonely, the kind of lonely that comes

when you’re surrounded by people. I

don’t know which type I am, I think

these types were created by us to make

the people conform to the set principles

and to understand ourselves the way

we perceive everyone else, ordinary and

vanilla. So, I don’t know which type I am.

I am the type who gets a bout of spunk

only sometimes. The kind of courage that

forces me to download a dating app but

doesn’t help in actually going out and

meeting people. The type that enables

my every act of sneering insolence and

makes me believe that I am a product

of these baseless by-laws, and I’m ought

to be like this and act like this. I don’t

know which type I am, but I know that

I am not what the world wants me to be.

We exist.

16. Welcome to my Ted talk

I’ve come to a halt. My body

doesn’t want to move, it is

breathing out air, inhaling and

exhaling but moving, no. It is

done, I am done, my brain, my

body, every nerve in my system is

done. I recently watched this

show called “Feel good” in hopes

to feel good myself, and it hit me

like an epiphany, how comedy

often masks the complexities

of nature, we call it mental health.

So, now that I’ve watched

something that was supposed to

be feel good, and I don’t feel good

after it, I think that the feelings that

are resonated by my mind, my body,

will go unnoticed. I don’t know how

to feel about it and whom to talk

about it. So, now, my body is in this

state of self loathing with an ounce

of anxiety because I wanted to watch

something that’d make me feel good,

but instead I watched something that

made me miserable.

Darling, you gotta believe in yourself. Choose yourself. Show up, be aware, and present for yourself. Put in the time and dedication needed while doing the work. Take care of yourself. Heal. Make a mends. Forgive and forget. Make sure you’re okay mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically while always doing your best. You deserve to live life and thrive. You are loved. You are cherished. You are intelligent. You are beautiful. You are unique. You are everything you’re supposed to be. You don’t have to hide it. And, yes…you have flaws. A few of them. But, those things often change overtime. You have all that you need to have all that you want. You don’t have to ask for anything. You don’t have to beg for nothing. You don’t have to hide or minimize who you are. You are exactly who you’re supposed to be. Live your life. Gather your tribe. Manifest your dreams. Build your kingdom. Do what you like and love. Try what you hate and learn what you don’t know. Experience and explore this world and all that it has to offer you. There are blessings hidden within everyday with your name on it. Each day is a gift, every moment is a present. Be willing and open to criticism and learning. Be honest and truthful about yourself and others. Love yourself. Hug yourself. Date yourself. Let go and live. Don’t be afraid of the unknown or confused about what is know. Don’t fear anything at all. Go with the flow of what you’ve been called, positioned, and purposed to do. Embrace yourself. But, most of all…get rooted. Build yourself a solid foundation, safe haven, and home. For yourself and others by knowing who you are, what you stand for, & why. Never straying away from your truth. All of this your responsibility. This is how you discover your true identity. Take accountability over it. There is great power inside you. You deserve to be celebrated and known. Your DNA is one of a kind. You matter just as much as everyone else. There is no one else just like you. So, come on…tell and show the world who you are. Don’t hold yourself back or limit yourself. We’re all dying to know the real you. This is your time. Introduce yourself. “Hi, my name is…”

There was a plan. There had always been a plan. For as long as I could remember, I had everything all figured out - until it wasn’t. Every details was perfect. Every area was noted. Nothing could go wrong as long as I stuck to the plan. I was going to be okay. Everything was going to work out fine - until it didn’t, of course. I don’t even know what happened. I can’t pin point a specific moment where things just fell apart. I just know one moment, I was in the prime of my life, living it up. And, the next moment, everything around me was dark and crumbling to pathetic ashes. What happened to the plan? What happened to following every single detail on the list? What happened to seeing it all through until the end? I had a plan. I was supposed to stick to the plan. I was okay. Everything was going to be fine - until it wasn’t. I had everything under control. I had finally gained my freedom. I was comfortable in who I was becoming. I was confident in my ability to maintain. The world was in the palm of my hand. I had a plan. I had a solid plan for my life…or so I thought. I guess life had other plans for me because this plan that I created…yeah, it’s not going to work out. It’s ruined. And, to my own surprise…I’m not sad about. I’m relieved. Maybe, the plan was supposed to get ruined in order for me to plan my next adventure, afterwards. Because, there was a plan. There has always been a plan.

Most days, I don’t feel good enough. Sometimes, I feel inadequate. Like, no matter what I do or say…it just won’t make sense. People won’t get it. They don’t get me. They never understand. Most of the time, I feel invisible. Not noticed or seen. I fade into the background and dwell amongst the shadows of everyone else surrounding me. My voice is soft and timid. I have no tone. My words are the sweetest whispers only a few who are close to me can hear them. I scream in painful agony, silently. Trying not to burden anyone with my baggage or being. But, sometimes…I need help. I shrink and feel small amongst crowds, so…I try not to take up too much room when I fit into where I belong. Even when cozy and nestled close in my position and role. I still feel alone. I still feel as if I don’t belong. As if, I am unworthy to be in this place. As if, I am undeserving to be where I am. As if, I should be ashamed of being who I am. But, sometimes…I need space. It’s exhausting and I am so tired. I need someone to talk too. I’m tired of changing. Tired of adapting. Tired of pretending. Tired of denying these feelings as if they don’t come from something deeper. I need someone to save me. This is broken. This is dysfunction. This is anger. This is sorrow. This is despair, grief, depression, rage, and confusion. This is a slow painful death to a person I love but, lost so long ago. I need for you to care. This is me. Breaking down to ashes. But, I won’t stay down here too long. I promise. I need to rise up and start over. This is my recovery to freedom…

Darling, I see you busting your behind to get where you’re going. That hustle is in your blood, that grind is in your bones and that ambition is in your spirit. You’re always quiet but, your actions speak louder than words. You stay to yourself and keep everything on the low. You hate a audience cause you’re not trying to put on a show. You go to work. You get a bag. You never say much to the world. But still, I noticed your voice. I see your stance. You growing up and maturing over time, you’re becoming grand. Can’t say I’m not proud of you, I am, I can’t lie. I believe in you. I know your future’s bright. I’m rooting for you. Keep your eyes on the prize. You got this. Ain’t no need to deny your greatness. You better own it because I know you’re in-control of it. Be yourself and embrace you. Love yourself or no one else will. You’re healing the wounds, breaking the curses, and ridding yourself of your chains. You’re rebuilding yourself and recreating the life you always wanted. I’m so glad to see you succeeding, after being told you’ll never make it. You’ve done beyond that. I salute you! It’s all love, kid. I see you.

In the midst of trying to love myself, am I trying to love someone else? I tried this before and it didn’t work out. Should I do it, again? I’ve picked up majority of my shattered pieces. With a little bit of super glue, I’ve managed to put this heart of mine back together. It’s not perfect nor does it look like the norm but, it works and functions as purposed. No strings attached, it hasn’t been sown to my sleeve or unraveled by anybody. However, it’s chambers are still full and being cleaned every moment. I know it’s alot to consider and even more complicated to ponder but, I have to find an answer before I die of fear or embarrassment. Will hurt win and triumph over me with it’s scornful gloats? Or, is it possibly for me to sanely indulge in the life of others in pure joyful bliss while accepting new love through a dream of life’s best? This is the question left existing in me…