#poetry is not a luxury

We’re over, but so is the self-destruction
You leaving lead to my one man production

Solitude made me realize I can’t do this alone
But instead of dumping it all on you, I went and picked up the phone

You’re the reason I got help.
I wish I could tell you.
I hope you don’t hate yourself.

Hey, at least I’m not playing games with your heart
It’s always “this or that”, always been like that from the start
I’ve told you that we could play together, but you always say no
Tell me to my face it’s fine, then you shoot these low blows
Funny, seems like you like playing games too.

But we can’t play my games, no, it’s all about you
“This or that?” Fuck that!
Demanding all my attention makes you a spoiled little brat!

Mean or broken, really it’s the same thing
Intention don’t matter, in the end, you still hurt me
Not absolved from your actions just ‘cause you want the consequences to go away

This is not Broadway
I will not bow for your performance
To you, keeping up this façade is of uttermost importance
But this isn’t even worth the price of a matinee
So I’ve gotta say bye to you, babe

Oh, I wouldn’t know
I feel like I’m destined to be forever alone
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride
Always the one to ask out just to get denied

It’s fine, I’m fine.
I don’t need a person to call mine
I’ll just get a cat, or two, or twelve
Romance can be books lined up on the shelves 

I’ll be the best aunt to my friends’ kids 
And then be able to go home and sleep,
Now that’s a great gig!

Tell me, why do I need to find a partner to be complete?
Besides in order to afford rent, or otherwise go live out on the street?

Tired of waiting too long to build boundaries
Just to be told I don’t have a permit
I don’t need fucking permission from you!

You say I’m destroying your walls in the process
Claiming land for the sake of control over others
Isn’t a good look for you!

Do I just spill my fucking guts?
I’m only good at either complete subtlety
Or wearing my heart like a tattoo sleeve

Maybe I’ll go be naked on stage
Then go into witness protection
And never be heard from again 

Ironic that the cost of living is basically my life
Sacrifice, sacrifice
Pay the price, pay the price

I just want to come up for air
And fucking breathe!
But, no!
I don’t have time for that…

Growing up is lonely
Wish I could shed this scarred skin
Instead, I must be constantly reminded of the past
Constantly having to plan for the future
Never living in the moment
The weight of the world constantly pulling me
In both directions
Tug of war is not only for children
Unfortunately…

Expecting me to wave a white flag.
Instead, I dye it red with your blood!
It belongs to you anyways

Of course, you continue to wave it with pride
You’ll find someone else wearing rose-colored glasses
I wish I could protect them,
But sacrificing myself to keep tabs on you isn’t worth the cost.

Hate me. 
Do you, do you
Hate me?
Or is that just the thoughts speaking nonsense again?

They’re pretty loud. 
Kinda difficult to think of anything else
When they give a bloodcurdling scream!

Ignore them?
Tell me,
If someone was wringing at your neck
Consuming your lungs
Driving out all the air from your body
Draining out all of the life from your soul…
Could you truly ignore that?

You’re a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Someone must’ve put the wool in your ears
Placed rose-colored glasses on your face
So you could claim innocence!
When your wool became stained with blood…

What a fashion statement!

I love the way they exist.
They have chaos in their mind but
they’re vibrant in their soul.

They are as powerful as a forest fire!
They think that they destroy everything in their path
But really, they are creating a new path
Creating a new path…
They are the strongest person I know.

Why is the only fucked up one me?
Why am I the only tragedy?
Always on the edge of catastrophe
Catastrophizing

Maybe I’m not always crazy.
Maybe I’m not always wrong.
But they all say I am.
Say I need help.

But who wouldn’t lose it
If they were being mistreated
And being told
They weren’t even being mistreated in the first place?

Maybe I need to stop being so sensitive.
Shut off my feelings like a light switch 
Dimming the light inside of me in return…

But that’s okay!
As long as everyone else is happy!
Their light will keep me…warm.

Despite the distance they keep me at
I can’t indulge too much in kindness!
Might make me too greedy!

Relationships are lessons learned. 
Stories learned
Tired of gathering novels,
Contributing to a constantly ongoing saga

Where’s my happily ever after?
Can it come faster?
Or can someone send me a little note saying “None are meant to stay”?

Is my life meant to be a sitcom? 
A long running joke?
I get it, it’s funny
I’d laugh too.

December reminds me that I have loved
But that I’m not loved
At least, not loved enough for someone
To want me to be a part of their holiday celebration

Our love is not worth celebrating. 

Productive

Be productive

You can be self-destructive

As long as it’s not on the clock

Destroy yourself

You want to sell yourself to the highest bidder

But they barely give you enough to live

Thriving is for those who have it destined in their blood

and are hungry for the blood of others!

Trying too hard to write something perfect

None of my words belong on the page

Maybe that means I should write something

But even as I am writing this, I know I could do better

I should do better

I…can’t do better, can I?

Incoherency is the cost

Of me trying to write when I am not in the zen state of mind

Does my writing mean anything if

it’s jumbled? Does it mean anything if I don’t entirely understand what I was trying to say?

I… maybe I should…

Stop.

But my thoughts keep racing

Do they matter?

I think they do.

I know they do.