“Sometimes you don’t realize there is underlying trauma until it surfaces to the top, and you wonder where it’s been all along and why it resurfaced when you were getting better. But that’s when you realize that it’s a test that must be passed, a wave that must be surfed and a scar that must be filled. And once it’s all passed, you can begin to heal again. And you realize the beauty that you can always, always heal again, and again.”

- g.d (limitless)

“You taught me how to love, forgive and care. You taught me how tough it could get and all the despair. You taught me my first words and how to eat, you made me everything I am, and I will ever be. Life seems dull when you’re not around, but with your one smile, everything turns around. You’ve given so much and asked for so little, you’ve sacrificed your dreams to make mine achievable. All my love and actions in this world will fall short in comparison to yours; it will take me a lifetime and many more to reciprocate yours. If I have only one wish, I hope that when I am born again, I have you as my mother all over again. because mommy, no matter where I am, I love you a thousand times more.”

- g.d. (Happy Mother’s Day)

“And I hope that the love you’re searching for feels like the first ray of sun hitting your face.”

- g.d (the sun)

“Why should I settle for mediocre when I know I’m worthy of exceptional.”

- g.d. (settling)

“And she looked at the moon and asked if this was how life was supposed to be. If it was supposed to be hard and tiring. The moon smiled at the young girl wistfully and sighed. She knew that everything was wrong and she couldn’t fix it except listen to her woes and show up for her almost everyday. She was let down by everyone and would be let down by her as well. But at least she’d see the little stars she’d leave behind to be there for her constantly. It wasn’t enough but she hoped she’d realize that those who cared would always stay or leave things about themselves behind to be remembered by. And that they were never truly gone. And for that moment she shone a little brighter and stayed a little longer to listen to her woes before she disappeared for another day.”

-g.d. (moon and stars)

“If you drown, allow yourself to feel the depth of the ocean. And then resurface when you know that’s the deepest you can ever go. And promise to never to go beyond that.”

- g.d (but it’s okay if you do)

“I want to love you between my sheets, baby. Shower you with kisses and leave marks where nobody can see them. I want to be the one that makes you see the stars and the moon. Be the one who knows what you like and how you like it. The one who knows what makes you smile like that.Be the one you seek out at night for more than just a hug. I want to be more and be forever. I want to be yours baby, forever and ever. I want to be the one you love between the sheets.”

- g.d (sheets)

“I hope to love with the same abundance I choose to read. Endlessly and wildly.”

- g.d

“and moments like today remind me that the monsters continue to live inside my head, even if they’ve been silent for too long.”

- g.d (it’s never ending)

“I told him I was too me to be a part of his world. He smiled and caressed my cheek, his lips hovering over mine as he whispered, “and that’s why I love you so much baby, you’re everything I’ve ever dreamed of.””

- g.d (love me for me)

And today I want to apologize to myself. Apologize for giving up too early, for hating my skin when it was protecting me. Apologize for starving myself when my body was dying. Apologize for falling off the wagon constantly. I want to apologize for every single pain i put my body through. Apologize for making it feel as if it wasn’t worthy enough for me because it is and always will be. And today may not be the day I will want to return to it with everything within me. But I want to let it know that I’m coming back to it slowly by slowly. And I want to thank it for accepting me.

- g.d (welcome me home)

“I want to wrap myself around you, to surround you with everything I have, everything I am. To hold you so tight that you forget where you begin and where I end. To consume you but also free you. I want to be everything you ever wanted and everything you thought you’d never need. I want to hold you so tight and make you realize that you’re always going to be enough, enough for me. I want to whisper words I’ve always said but never meant and lull you to sleep with them. I want to hold you so tight that you’ll believe me even as you drift off into a world where I’ll never be able to visit with you. I love you. I love you. I love you.”

- g.d (allow me to be the one you need)

“The sea is only as powerful as you allow it to be.”

- g.d (the sea)

“You give and give, only to realize that there isn’t much left to give. So you shut doors and learn to heal, learn to give to yourself. Only to have people say you’re being selfish. But then retort and say “Fuck you, I am still going to give but to myself first."”

- g.d. (i’m important as well) 

“I realized that I want to be a warrior. I want to be Athena. The goddess who fought for herself, who had a ‘manly’ body and still loved herself. Who is known as the most courageous warrior. I don’t want to be Aphrodite anymore, I want to be a warrior. I want to be Athena.”

- g.d (become another warrior goddess, become Athena)

The Men Around Me

All the men around me
have taught me to hate,
taught me to be afraid.

All I’ve learnt is to obey,
I learnt that the hard way -
Don’t fight back, keep quiet
be a good girl now.

All the men around me
have taught me to hate,
taught me to be afraid.

All I’ve learnt is to hide;
Underneath so many layers
I wasn’t sure I’d ever be seen,
But you did.

You saw me & I thought 
I’d found a ‘Good one’.
But I’m starting to see 
I’m just living life to repeat.

All the men around me
have taught me to hate,
taught me to be afraid.

Just posted my first Post+ exclusive poem!! It’s $3.99 a month and I’m offering exclusive poems and other short writing content such as prose and maybe some short stories in the future. Also social media shoutouts and reblogging of your posts although please don’t spam me to reblog like 10 posts in a week try be reasonable in reblog/shoutout requests no spamming basically.

I hadn’t really thought about the shoutouts thing until it had it as a suggested perk I could offer and I thought sure why not add that in.

Anyways I’m excited and will be making sure to post content regularly for subscribers. Idk if this will actually take off or it’ll be a flop but doesn’t hurt to try I suppose. Also let me know if you’ve got feedback like do you think $3.99 is fair or would you rather it be cheaper?

Tumblr gives me a few options on pricing the lowest it goes is $1.99 then it jumps straight to $3.99 but I would consider lowering it at least in the beginning if people are interested but the price is just a bit out of reach for you guys.

my insecurities are here
and they love to tell me lies
sneaking in to all my thoughts
and shining through my eyes

my insecurities are insincere
when they tell me lies
they try to say i’ve lost my way
or that i’ve missed a sign

my insecurities are fear
and they live on telling lies
so if i feed them truth and proof,
surely then, they’ll die?

We’re over, but so is the self-destruction
You leaving lead to my one man production

Solitude made me realize I can’t do this alone
But instead of dumping it all on you, I went and picked up the phone

You’re the reason I got help.
I wish I could tell you.
I hope you don’t hate yourself.

Mean or broken, really it’s the same thing
Intention don’t matter, in the end, you still hurt me
Not absolved from your actions just ‘cause you want the consequences to go away

This is not Broadway
I will not bow for your performance
To you, keeping up this façade is of uttermost importance
But this isn’t even worth the price of a matinee
So I’ve gotta say bye to you, babe

Oh, I wouldn’t know
I feel like I’m destined to be forever alone
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride
Always the one to ask out just to get denied

It’s fine, I’m fine.
I don’t need a person to call mine
I’ll just get a cat, or two, or twelve
Romance can be books lined up on the shelves 

I’ll be the best aunt to my friends’ kids 
And then be able to go home and sleep,
Now that’s a great gig!

Tell me, why do I need to find a partner to be complete?
Besides in order to afford rent, or otherwise go live out on the street?

I wish I could think of words to write.
But instead,
Pointless thoughts
Empty head
Nothing meaningful
Just anxiety.

I swear my attraction 
Both romantic and sexual
Just loves to roll a dice 
And whatever it lands on
Is what my main attraction is for the day!

Only becoming exclusive once feelings grow,
Leaving me wondering if
I have ever been attracted to different others before…
Was I just bored?

But then, those feelings subside
And I realize that I am not imagining things
Until, feelings grow once again
I exist as a confused, shaken bottle of frustration

December reminds me that I have loved
But that I’m not loved
At least, not loved enough for someone
To want me to be a part of their holiday celebration

Our love is not worth celebrating. 

Professional?

I know I’ve shared this before but I’m not scrolling through my archives to reblog it it was quicker to just make a new post. I’m going to be sharing a few poems from my Vocal page.

Vocal has made a few updates, they’ve introduced a little feedback thing you can give to writers at the bottom of our pieces but they’ve now also made commenting on peoples work available. So if you like my work of have feedback or anything on it feel free to leave a comment or feedback. You can also give it a heart/like if you wish although idk if you need an account for that tbh.

Vocal does also have an option to leave a tip which is never expected but always appreciate or if you prefer I now have tipping on tumblr as well as my Ko-Fi which I have the link to on my Vocal and there you’ll also find access to exclusive poems for supporters.

For The Girl In Me Who Was Once Afraid.

Today was the final session of the Trauma Therapy Group me and my mum went too. It was really useful and I liked that it was a small group, it made it less scary, overwhelming and such with my anxiety and more accessible.

I feel like I came away with a greater understanding of the connection between trauma and the body. And that maybe it’s now given me the skills to work on that connection and not neglect it i.e forgetting to eat or drink or sleep.

I think sharing this is rather apt given the work I’ve been doing in the group these past 6 weeks. Whilst this starts off sad (it’s a collection of 3 short micro poems) the final poem ends on a rather hopeful tone about my trauma and the way its affected me and it mirrors how I’m feeling no. I feel hopeful that one day I can move past my trauma I know it’s changed me in ways that I’ll never get back the person I used to be, and I no longer crave to be the old me. But there are things that impact my daily life that I hope to overcome, so that I can stop living in the past, stop being so afraid, and to look forward to a brighter future.

This does come with a TW as it does discuss themes of abuse/domestic violence nothing graphic or anything just thats what the poems are about and the first two are sadder. Actually I feel like they represent different stages in my POV on my trauma - the first anger that they could do this to me. The second is sadness, hopelessness almost but mostly just sad and this feeling like I’ll always be haunted by my past hence the hopelessness. But the final one is me accepting or hoping I’d say fits it better, hoping that maybe one day that won’t always be the case I won’t always be haunted or tormented by my past.

It’s a more hopeful outlook than the poem prior and I think for the most part my thoughts now remain similar to the final poem and less so the second but I still struggle to reconcile how they could behave such a way and that conflict is well expressed in the first poem and despite my hope that conflict is still ever present. Anyways this is long enough you didn’t need this explanation/summary on the poems so maybe just go read it instead?