#quotes for him

“We did things only lovers do in the dark

but we did them in the bright of day

Under the warmth of the sun

With smiles and laughter”

-H.H

“I finally left you like I never thought I would”

-Day 588

“I’m sorry that I still love you”

-Day 584

I died in your room.

That fateful night I died lying on those grey sheets with the lavender walls enclosing me in.

I died to the rhythm of your heartbeat and to the sound of your whispers. I died to your warm skin pressed up against mine.

Some would say that I died peacefully, but in reality I became the walking dead. That room, your touch, your kisses and embrace picked away at my soul. The safety I felt with you? Well that snatched the life out of me.

We are no longer in contact and maybe it’s for the best. What I do know is that my soul in trapped inside of your room, waiting to be let free.

- She is Resilient

“I find myself rehearsing how I’m going to tell you off. I write notes in my phone, practice in the mirror and just imagine this scenario where I tell you off with such conviction that it makes you stop and think. I do this even though I know none of it will happen. I’m just mad that you managed to slip through the cracks. You slithered in and infected me with the idea that we could be and with the most dangerous belief - that I could trust you.

Now that you’re gone I’m just rebuilding the wall and my immunity”

- She Is Resilient

I caved and let you in. You took a short look around and promptly left without closing the door behind you. No explanation, no promises to come back. You were gone in an instant.

So here I am standing by the doorway - completely frozen because I never do this. I don’t let people in, but I made an exception for you.

This very exception has cost me my sense of safety within the confines of my guarded heart.

All I could think is that this is why I don’t let people in - they just leave

She is Resilient

They say that I’m “closed off” or my personal favorite “too cold”, but how can I not be? The minute I let someone in is when disappointment becomes inevitable. I get the most attention when I’m guarded. I end up disappointed whenever I challenge what experience has been telling me for years - to protect yourself at all costs. So why should I change?

I feel you leaving my body. It’s been a slow and painful process, but with each day I’m starting to become independent of the hold you had over my thoughts. Slowly, but surely I’m purging you out of my frame of mind.

You had me hooked to you and your side-effects were deadly. I’m detoxing you and for the first time, I’m starting to believe that it’s going to be okay.

I suppose that this is what strength is supposed to feel like.

She is Resilient

I used to cry over why you wouldn’t call me, now I cry over realizing that I can’t love you anymore. The finality of “us” is overwhelming and I’m swallowing more than I can chew.

I’ll still always love you though. I’ll fantasize about fitting back together one day.

I’ll know I’ve healed when I stop wishing for you at 11:11.

She is Resilient

The first step is admitting that you have a problem and well I’ll admit it. I’m addicted to you. You are stronger than heroin and cocaine. The high you give me is euphoric and I can never get enough of you.

But it has to end. I have to cleanse my soul of you.

I have to learn how to love myself without you. I have to put myself first. You can’t give me what I need and I can’t be want you want. I deserve better than this. I will read this every time I think about texting you. Hell I’ll read this promise every time I think about you because it’s time that I find peace. It’s time to move on.

She is Resilient

Is it my turn to experience feeling wanted yet?

I’ve been hazed to get to this point of understanding what true pain is. I’ve been defiled, betrayed disrespected and humiliated far more times than I can count and yet I’ve been patient this entire time.

I’ve been waiting for that moment where I can finally feel safe in someone’s presence.

I still dream and yearn for that connection. It seems like no matter what I do, I end up hurting in the end. So please tell me, when will it be my turn to experience loyalty?

She is Resilient

I loved you so much that I turned my love into words. I took the raw pain you gave me and created art for the world to feel your essence, the way I did.

You were my awakening. Your presence would resuscitate me on my darkest days.

But sometimes things don’t go the way we want them too. I am reluctantly letting go, but you were my greatest muse.

You brought me joy. You brought me peace and chaos at the same time. Experiencing you, allowed me to create masterpieces from the emotions I felt around you.

They say what is meant to be will be. Who knows, maybe I’ll get one more masterpiece out of you.

She is Resilient

I’ve been holding onto you with every fiber of my being. Holding on has been exhausting and I don’t know what’ll hurt more - the rope breaking or letting go; hoping that I gracefully break my fall.

You tease me into thinking that you’re going to throw me a thicker rope, but all I want is for you to pull me up.

I’m tired baby. How could you keep me holding on? Love me or let me go because I’m not strong enough to let go on my own.

She Is Resilient

I am mourning someone who wouldn’t mourn me. I am mourning someone who wouldn’t notice if I was gone. Yet here I am praying for their happiness and safety. I stay up at night fantasizing of an alternate universe where things have fallen into place and I am good enough. Instead I lay here and mourn for the fact that my fantasies are just fantasies.

She Is Resilient

We know about addiction to drugs and alcohol. We even know about sex and gambling addictions. What we never talk about is addictions to people. That feeling of needing someone’s presence. Craving to feel that person’s touch. Often times we confuse it with love or infatuation, but in reality it’s an addiction. We go back to the same people who treat us like shit because we feel our dopamine surge around them. We just can’t get enough of them.

She is Resilient

It’s easy to avoid thinking about you when I’m sober. I’m hyper-focused on what I have to do, but all bets are off after the third glass of wine. You intrude my thoughts and create a perfect storm. You cloud my judgement and I start to crave your presence. I know that you’re not good for me. I know that I deserve better, but damn it I just want you. I want to be cradled in your arms like the old days. Alcohol brings me back to that.

She is Resilient

What’s the word for when your life feels completely out of place? Everything seems to be going wrong and no matter what you do to mitigate the damage, it only gets worse. They say the light at the end of the tunnel will make it worth it, but what if the tunnel is a maze and no matter what path you take it never feels like the right path? What do you do from there?

She is Resilient

Sadly a lot of people only see abuse as black and white. You may not have physical scars, but the emotional ones run deep to the point that they alter your DNA. A lot of people think that you could just get up and leave when in reality the actual thought of leaving physically hurts.

You can’t imagine life without them and you rationalize your pain as the ups and downs of life. Your abuser takes advantage of what is essentially your addiction to their attention. They dope you up with positivity only to take it away when you don’t meet their expectations - mentally breaking you. You find yourself craving and praying for their approval.

You’re never the same after that. There’s pre-them and after-them.

Once they leave you because they’re bored, have no use for you or worse found someone else to abuse, you become almost destitute and just broken. You struggle to move on and no matter how much therapy you get, you never truly go back to who you were before them. You find yourself becoming addicted to anyone who shows you kindness or replicates anything remotely close to your abuser on their best days. It’s a struggle that many people do not understand and often times blame you for putting up with it.

She is Resilient

There isn’t a drug in this world that comes even close to mimicking the high I get when I’m around you. Your presence is tantalizing and no matter how much I tell myself that this is the last straw, I fold every time.

She is Resilient