I miss being a kid

When I was a young child, I told myself I wanted to live up to 100 years old— that was my goal. I wanted to live a long life. I was absolutely terrified of dying.

Ten years later and I’m begging the universe to kill me. I’m praying to God— if there even is one— that this will all end.

Honestly, I didn’t even expect to make it this far. I never thought I’d be able to see myself turn eighteen. I graduate high school in a month. I should be happy but I’m not. I feel so lost. I wasn’t planning on being alive for this long. I don’t know what to do, what steps to take, which direction to go— I’m lost.

Is anything even worth it? Should I keep on pushing? Should I go to college? Should I continue working?

Or will it all be a waste of time? “I won’t be alive in the next ten years so I guess nothing really matters.” I find myself often repeating that line.

That’s the thing about life though. You never know what the future will hold. Maybe I will be dead in the near by future. Or maybe I’ll be alive and finally happy.

The only thing I can do now is focus on the present. Let’s just hope I have enough strength to even do that…

there are poems etched on the back of my throat. I can’t whisper them out, but they all scream your name.

- unaiza n, the center of every poem is that I love you.

I wrote the following six years ago when I was 15, my dad was abusive and my mom ignored it I just found it in an old notebook. A child should never feel this much pain and fear. Someday I hope I can make this little girl proud.

Yellow Oak Tree:

The sun is hot and burning

The earth is cruel and harming

Fear surrounds the innocent

Can nothing be saved?

But as I lay beneath you shade a cloak of serenity cascades around me

I am safe

Under the yellow oak tree

Free from judgement

Protected from ridicule

Safe from death

Under the yellow oak tree.

All I want to do is close my eyes and when I open them be somewhere far away from where I am right now, where no one knows me but everyone wants to, and I a chance to finally be something.

Sometimes it feels easier to just leave

Cut people out of your life the second they cross you

Never let anyone get too close

Look out for yourself and let everyone else do whatever it is they do.

It’s also lonely going through life by yourself

So worried about others that you end up locked away in your room every night

Wondering if anyone will ever actually know who you really are instead of the person you pretend to be.

I’ve been tossed from the road I once was on

The path before me is paved with uncertainties

My mind is lost in a labyrinth of turmoil

Now all that I know is nothing at all

Be proud of the ones you still have hope

Be proud of the ones who are still trying

Be proud of the ones who refuse to give up

Praying that their is a beautiful future waiting for them.

I keep wanting to live my life in the past while everyone else is heading towards the future.

All the while I miss out on the goods things I have right in front of me in the present.

you met me with a heart that was cold due to the painful lies i was told. you warmed me up and made it melt. but you took a step too far and set me on fire. now it will never glow again, you fucking liar

Why do all my breakdowns happen because of you …

Guys, he actually makes me happyfeel something

I never thought he’d like me back

- been a while since I felt something

I guess it’s true… they won’t notice until you’re gone …

I’m actually such an inconvenience..

I’m actually falling apart in front of people and no one notices

It sucks when the only way out of a problem is death

I’ll always repeat this: I’m so proud of you

- me to me

When can I tell you I like you bc it’s killing me

Sorry, I just really …really like you

It’s gonna hurt so fucking bad when he’s gone, bro

- literal convo with a friend