#sadbeautifultragic

Kiss️‍

“I didn’t know it then, but that would be the last time I ever saw her. In retrospect, there are a lot of things I would have done differently, but I know it doesn’t matter now. I don’t think it would have mattered then, either. We were always destined to fall apart.”

-excerpt from a book i will never write c.r.

there is a place in my heart

that you will forever occupy

just as there is a space in the sky

for each and every doomed romance -

love, that was never destined to be

-i guess we had different definitions of “forever” c.r.

i wish i could say i haven’t dreamt of you nearly every night since you forced me to say goodbye in order to save what remained of my shattered heart

-for all the love that used to be here, and the empty space left in its absence c.r.

you were as beautiful as a midnight rose

so i suppose i should not have been surprised

when i finally fell onto your thorns

and bled out at sunrise

-even the stars go out eventually. c.r.

being with you felt like a dream

you were there and gone in the blink of an eye

now you only exist intangibly in hazy memories

i’m not so sure you were ever real

it was beautiful.. then it wasn’t.

-i wish it was as easy to forget you as it was to fall in love with you. c.r.

are you telling her how much you love her, right now?

are you telling her that she’s your favorite person?

that she’s your everything?

are you telling her all the things you used to tell me?

the way you hold her hand-

the way you look at her-

it makes me want to scream.

because that’s how you used to look at me.

-i wish i could hear you say “i love you” one last time. c.r.

and what is there left to do when we’re strangers again?

when the single worst fate that i swore would never, ever come to pass, has?

there’s nothing quite as painful as looking into the eyes of someone you once loved and realizing that there’s nothing but distance between you two, now.

-forgive me, my love. c.r.

and would being in your arms still feel like coming home?

even though i’m not welcome there anymore?

-it was easier when i didn’t have to wonder if you loved me or not.c.r.

maybe i loved you too much?

maybe it scared you away?

maybe you saw the scale of my heart’s affections,

and maybe, maybe, it made you afraid.

-i’m sorry for leaving, love.c.r.

my head hates you.

my head hates the way you hurt me,

hates the way you told me you didn’t mean what you said-

my head wants you dead.

but my heart still wants you.

my head knows you weren’t good for me.

my head knows all the pain you put me through,

the way you made me second guess myself,

wasn’t worth it.

my head knows i’m better off without you.

but my stupid, reckless heart still loves you.

-god, i really wish my heart could hate you. c.r.

it’s killing me, not knowing. that’s the worst part, i think; your feelings towards me in a state of superposition, existing only inside schrödinger’s box in my mind.

even if it didn’t work out, even if i’ve tried to fool myself into not wanting you back, there’s a small, pathetic part of myself that needs to know that you actually cared, at least at some point in time.

i went from being your favorite person in the world, your everything, the one you were slowly falling in love with, to nothing, faster than i thought possible. faster than i had realized i was falling in love with you.

and no, i don’t regret any of it. but i miss you.

-i miss being loved. c.r.

because, yes, i screamed.

yes, i yelled.

yes, i told you i hated you.

but beneath all of that, beneath the anger, beneath the vitriol, beneath the rage, i was empty.

finally,finally,that was the truth.

i was empty.

i was hollow, and regretful, and sad, above all else.

millions of thoughts whirl inside my head at any given moment, going through every possible scenario, every possible variable, every thing that went wrong, in the vain, fruitless search for the answers to the questions i was desperately seeking, that i knew i would never get closure on.

god, i really thought we could make it.

-i was so naive.c.r.

maybe i have to pretend like i’m over you

because you’ve given no indication you even think of me anymore

and though i can’t help but hold on to the person you were when i was allowed to love you,

the person who loved me, who said they’d never let me go, who swore they would’ve stayed by my side forever-

it’s going to drive me mad hoping that person comes back.

so maybe i have to pretend like i’m over you.

-because it sure as hell seems like you’re over me. c.r.

i don’t know what’s true anymore.

i don’t know who you are anymore.

i don’t remember how you felt about me -

i don’t remember how you loved me.

i’m terrified i’ve crafted an image of you in my mind out of loneliness, and i’m desperately, hopelessly, tragically in love with a person who doesn’t exist.

the only thing i know is that i love you-

and i don’t even know that for sure.

-tell me i’m not crazy - tell me you still love me. c.r.