#scared

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“She looks scared, doesn’t she?” The man stood halfway between her and the door. H

“She looks scared, doesn’t she?”


The man stood halfway between her and the door. He was dressed to be inconspicuous: dark gray suit, unremarkable hair, unremarkable expression. Though, in a way, if her heart weren’t racing faster than she could think, she might have found him handsome in the right light. But the light was to his back, and he didn’t belong here. Not in her mind, at least. Not yet.

“That would be the social conditioning, I would expect. Making you afraid, self-conscious, and embarrassed of your own body. Despite what society would have you believe it’s unbecoming of a girl to be brave, you have no reason to be afraid. We’re not here to hurt you. 

"We’re here to strip away your doubts and fears, and make you whole. to make you as confident and brave as … well,” here be paused and indicated his companion, “her.” The blond girl’s eyes flitted briefly to the companion’s face and then back to the man. He had a you’ll-do-as-I-tell-you air about him, and past experiences made her fear those kinds of men. But he turned away from her and remarked to the woman standing next to him:

“Remember when you were afraid just like that?”

She nodded and a knowing smile spread over her features. She was quite striking in her own way; if he were dressed to pass unnoticed, she was dressed for the opposite. Though dress might be a bit of an exaggeration as her clothes were designed specifically to emphasize that she was wearing nothing at all.

“See, you can be just as brave and secure as she is!” the man announced to the huddled girl, as if it were the best thing that could happen to anyone. But instead she hugged herself tighter and refused to say a word.

“Well, it takes a while to get used to,” the man said with a note of disappointment in his voice. “But you’ll come around eventually. There’s nothing to be afraid of here.”

Clearly the sincerity in his voice showed that he believed it; but it’d take a while before she’d believe it too. After all, trust is built on a strong foundation of time.

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#roomba    #scared    
You see better when you’re scared

You see better when you’re scared


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this time my school instead of making weekly tests gonna do just one by the end of what we call “bimestre” (two-months period) and I’m really scared because this time if I dont do well in these test im gonna fail. before this new shit i just had to do tests, didn’t really matter if i did good or not. the funny thing is since im doing it at home i can search all the answers on the internet but im still scared af

i’m crying because i don;t want to get a job

i’m scared

i’m not ready to be an adult

i’m not prepared for this

I don’t know if Im happy or sad


But after 2 and a half years into my recovery, all at once I fell back into my anorexic hole again.

Sure there have been ups and downs along the way where I would relaps and start restricting my calories to my usual 1,200, but it never lasted for very long. But now, it’s worse than ever, and it’s nothing like it was before. I’m not refusing to eat because I feel depressed, or as a coping mechanism like I was before. I’m starving myself without even realizing it, it’s like I FORGET to eat now, whereas before, food was my entire life morning, noon and night. I would dedicate hours of my day just to calculating everything down to the tiniest gram, and drink copious amounts of water just to keep myself from eating, while still thinking about food. I’m even forgetting to drink water lately. It’s like my mind fixated on one specific activity per day, and I forget about everything else until I get tired and decide it’s bed time.

At night is when I usually remember, like “my head hurts, oh yeah, I should eat!” And I’ll eat like, a couple bites of somthing or some broth because I just…am NOT hungry? I have no appetite? And I don’t know WHY or HOW? But I can feel my body suffering because I’m NOT EATING. Or like I’ll realize how dry and uncomfortable my mouth is like “oop, better take 2 sips of coolaid to hydrate and keep myself awake”.

It’s only been like this for maybe 2 weeks, Maybe a bit less, but I’ve already went from 139 to 125 (I’m fairly certain it’s not fat weight, but like, water weight and digestive weight). And on one hand I’m so happy! On the other hand, I’m back tracking. All my progress, all the things I was enjoying. I actually was ENJOYING eating food, and I’d drink full fat soda! And I didn’t care about the calories for so long! But now even though it’s only been about 2 weeks, I can already feel everything going backwards in familiar ways. Even though I am forgetting to eat, when I actually do take a bite of somthing, again, I have no appetite. But one day I forced myself to eat some rice, shrimp, and an egg fried in butter. And I felt so, GUILTY afterwards. And that made me so sad because I haven’t felt quite like THAT in so long. And it was soooo good, I just wanted to enjoy it and go about my day. But I remember I just wolfed it down because it tasted so freaking good, that I didn’t really get to savor it and- then it was gone and then I felt hollow and like I did somthing bad.

Then to make that a bit worse, after I ate that, I drank some laxatives- somthing I have not done for quite a long time. And I was really disappointed in myself, because I hadn’t done it for so long, but also because it made me feel better. But I know these things are hurting me and that’s why I’m so upset with myself. I’m so ashamed because it’s like all that progress went down the drain. Bumps in the road are normal and fine, and relapses absolutely do happen, and that’s ok and not a reason to give up, and I know it’s not the end of the world! It’s just, hard, when you see progress crumble and you don’t understand why.

Anyways,

PLEASE REMEMBER TO EAT WELL,

HYDRATE,

STAY SAFE,

AND TO TAKE YOUR MEDICINE AS PRESCRIBED!

♡•11/26/17•♡ ☁️•14:13•☁️

♡•11/26/17•♡ ☁️•14:13•☁️


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