#social problems
I want to explain something about all of these “Me, too” posts you’re seeing lately on Facebook. Most of the women I’ve seen posting them (myself included) are posting just that — no details “explaining” what happened, or when or where or how. I hope that you still take these posts seriously, even without your female friends’ exposing the details of their experiences. Women usually keep these things somewhat private because we often feel unsettled and even guilty and ashamed about their happening. Why? Because we are taught from Day 1 that anything undesirable that happens to us based on men’sdesire for us (even unrequited) is OUR responsibility. The way our faces or bodies look, the way we dress, the words we say, the tone with which we say them, the words we DON’T say, or the precise TIMING of our words, our facial expressions, and so on.
I’ve been told alternately, for instance, that men decide to act inappropriate with me because I look and act “unapproachable" and men supposedly “instinctively” like “the hunt.” Hence my uninviting expressions and standoffishness present a “challenge,” which is a turn-on. (Btw: for the love of science, drop this bullshit; it makes absolutely NO evolutionary sense that male human beings should place female human beings in the same category as animals that you chase to slaughter and then eat. No. No, no, no, no, NO f’ing way.) — and meanwhile, I’ve also been told that men decide to act inappropriate with me because I come off as TOOOOO approachable, an always-very-nebulous accusation. “It’s because you’re small, and that’s nonthreatening.” “It’s because you aren’t rude to people.” “It’s because your tone of voice is soft.” “It’s because your face looks ‘open.‘” (Yes, my very same “unapproachable,“ resting bitch face that men find “challenging” is also soft and open and sweet. So they say.)
What you see here is that instead of asking how to re-socialize men in order that they NOT act predatory, we are still asking what women did (or did not do) in order to “deserve” being preyed upon. This is insane.
Even I have done it though; I, myself, have mentally reviewed, obsessively, situations wherein I was assaulted, stalked, or harassed, and wondered, “What did I do to make this happen?” Or, "What could I have done to stop that?” You would think that being able to answer “Actually… nothing” is empowering for its potential to absolve the self, but that is not the effect the answer has. It only makes you feel even more helpless. It’s disappointing, at best.
When I posted the “me, too” status, the idea of actually listing all of my “me, too" instances seemed absolutely absurd, for the sheer number of times they happened. I literally, honestly, could not even tell you. Do not even know. Do not even care to try remembering them “all” either, because why should I put my mental energy there?, and I know I’d miss a bunch anyway. Sexual assault/harassment are not anomalous, one-time events in a woman’s life. Not even close. In fact, I remember once, A FULL YEAR later, mentioning a particular sexual assault to my therapist for the first time. She seemed surprised that I hadn’t even mentioned it earlier and that by the time I mentioned it, my attitude about it was completely casual. But the reason it had felt unworthy of mention, and the reason I was able to act so casual about it, was because THIS. IS. SO. COMMON. IN. WOMEN’S. LIVES. It was not the first time I had been assaulted. In the greater scheme of things, I had not been physically injured or particularly traumatized (compared to other situations, that had been much harder to shake), so I just let it slide.
How twisted is that? That sexual assault and harassment are so commonplace that they can become “background noise” in a woman’s life?
My “me, too” experiences constitute a VERY broad range of encounter types. Sometimes, total strangers — on the street, on the bus, at the bar, at a cafe. Sometimes, men in whom I have needed to place trust (e.g., doctors, social worker, insurance adviser). Sometimes, friends, or an ex. A prospective employer. I even remember finding myself in a situation where a teacher or prospective employer’s conduct made me feel slimy, even though those situations might not have toppled over the line into blatant harassment. But those situations are notable too — the creepy gray areas where men in power, in ways calculated to protect themselves, make daily life just a little bit more uncomfortable for the women in their sights.
I have stopped going places I love to go because of unwanted attention. I have turned down work I DESPERATELY needed because of unwanted attention. I have turned down housing options, also, because of unwanted attention. I have decided that I was willing to pay higher prices for rent or hotel/hostel stays in “better” areas, on an already-meager income, just to increase my chances of avoiding unwanted attention (or, at least, to bolster my illusion of security) — and received unwanted attention in some of those places anyway. I have paid the higher prices for taxis at the end of the night — supposedly the “safe” way to get home — only to be creeped out by the driver and then worried at the realization that the driver now, naturally, knew my address. I have chosen travel or life-abroad destinations based on similar calculations — and, there too, been similarly disappointed from time to time.
Most unfortunate of all, at different points in my life, I have even declared my own body a danger zone and turned the “strategizing” on my physical being: if I overeat, if I stop exercising, if I wear only oversized/unfashionable clothes, if I forego makeup, will that protect me?
The answer to all of the above is “No.“ Because it’s men who do this, not women who invite it.
If you think the Harvey Weinstein case is appalling but if you still think that rape jokes are okay; that sexual assault is “only” penis-in-vagina contact; that women are “selfish” to want NOT to be cat-called; that rubbing your erection against a dancing stranger’s hips/ass/lower back at a club is acceptable; that male humans “naturally” see female humans as game animals; that physical appearance is EVER an invitation; that women should hide the fact that they have curves at all, or wear their hair short, or make more “androgynous” wardrobe/makeup choices, all in order to prove that they are “serious” intellectuals/professionals worthy of respect; that anything means “yes” aside from “yes” itself; or that “feminism” is a four-letter word — then you, WHATEVER your gender, are absolutely part of this much, much bigger social problem.
But you can change. So please, do.
