I don’t know why but I feel like you guys will enjoy this story.
When I was a teenager, I got really fed up with people asking me what my plans were for school and where I wanted to go to college. It was relentless at every family gathering, and my family is all pretty well off, making it a bit anxiety-inducing. So I made one up. I just invented a college. I wasn’t trying to fool anyone, I just wanted people to stop asking about it, so I gave it an absolutely ridiculous name; “The Velociraptor Institute of Chicago” - worth mentioning that I lived nowhere near Chicago at the time.
This evolved into a rather large joke between my aunt and I. We would occasionally hang up “school fliers” in my room - one of which being an “X Days Since Last Dinosaur Related Incident” and making bad “school sweaters”.
One day, I decided that it would be hilarious if my all-too-boring voicemail message was something related to the reptilian fallacy.
I went to Google Translate, English to English, and typed out a message from the school staff, something along the lines of; “Hello. You have reached the Velociraptor Institute of Chicago. None of our operators are available at the moment due to dinosaur related incidents. Please remain calm. This is not an emergency. Leave your name and number and we will return your call shortly.”
This was a hit among my aunt and any friends or relatives that happened to call, but as most jokes do, it faded out into the back of my head eventually. I don’t really like phone calls so I essentially forgot about it completely.
Until I received my first voicemail from a potential job interviewer.
“B-but - how can they be gone…?” the poor boy muttered to himself, lost in thought and genuinley confused as to the whereabouts of his missing garment…
“Well I think we can safely say it’s not there anymore…” I said, announcing my precence to the scene unfolding. The embarrassed thing nearly fell off the bench in surprise at realising there was somebody else now with him in the room.
“I ah… I seem to have lost my…” he began to explain as he stood up…
“Modesty…” I smiled as i got a full frontal look at the semi clothed gym bunny. He realised a little too late at his exposure and did his best to cover himself but I’d already seen all I needed.
“C-could you do me a favour…?” he meekly asked. I cocked an eyebrow at the notion but let him continue “could you ask at reception if they have anything in lost property i could use to uh… leave?”
“Let me see what I can do…” I calmly stated and walked purposefully out of the room… as I did so, I wondered to myself if the poor flustered soul was too busy to notice the pair of shorts tucked into my back pocket… oh well, he didn’t really need them for the moment I’m sure we could find him something much more embarrasing for him to model for me soon enough…
it’s five in the morning and i miss being here. hello, cyberhome.
body anxiety ruins me this month. i have been a little inactive as of late—browsing reddit to get my rocks off and socializing offline (you know, *that* place)—on my days off. it doesn’t leave me with a lot of energy, although it does make me happy, so i sleep. and eat. and work. and eat. and sleep again.
my body feels different: narrower here, unexpectedly wider there. dresses have trouble zipping in some places? ;w; i guess i wanted to say i’ve been slacking off on taking cute pictures…i’ll do my best to find myself and reply to my precious messages…
Is anyone else stressed about classes even more now that they’re online? Like I asked one of my professors if he could start recording the zoom sessions in case anyone missed a class/ didn’t understand/ didn’t want to come, and he said he looked in to it. He didn’t. I emailed him again asking about it and HE DIDNT RESPOND!! Like EXCUSE YOU… I KNOW YOU AINT DOING ANYTHING! I feel like I just got left on read by my own teacher. Like WTF…
She had no clue what she was in store for. It was their first session. The first time she was letting him have complete control. She had heard him speaking of a small party…she was excited to attend. Of course she never would have guessed that he’d put her on display for everyone to see as they entered in. But with every person that walked in she became more and more aroused. Knowing they could see everything thrilled her in ways she couldn’t imagine….as she was lying there anticipating what could possibly come next she heard him make an announcement….thank you for joining me….now if you’ll please accompany me to the stairs we will begin to enjoy our appetizer……
discussions about language from the discord call i was just in w/ friends:
- “my girlfriend can never remember the english word for ‘rubber band’, so she just calls it 'circle rope’, and i’ve accidentally started saying it too”
- “when i was a kid i didn’t realise that when my grandmother spoke english she used to mix in italian with it, so i used to say 'allora’ instead of 'then’ because i just assumed it was english too and my parents didn’t realise until i wrote it in my schoolwork once and confused my teachers”
- “when i first met my girlfriend’s mum she asked me if i wanted to eat thai food and i tried to say, in thai, "sorry, thai food is too spicy for me”, but i accidentally said “sorry, thai food is too sexy for me”
- “one time my flatmate went to print off something at her friend’s office and heard her greet her boss in French, and asked her if she had been greeting him like that everyday. she realised that her friend had been saying something like "good morning, i’m horny” to her boss every day for the last six months"
- “that time i got really drunk on a boat a guy came up to me asked me where i was from in english, and i replied in swedish. every time he spoke to me i replied to him in swedish and he asked my friend if i spoke english, who had the joy of telling him that english was my first language and i was just really hammered”
- “my parents came to visit me at the end of my stay in sweden and i was so excited to show them how much swedish i had learnt, so i took them to a pub and went to the bartender to order. i ordered everything in perfect swedish, the bartender waited until i finished and then said, "i’m really sorry, but do you speak any english? i don’t speak swedish”
- “one time my friend was on a train in the netherlands that stopped because of losing electricity. the announcement was given in multiple languages, 3 of which he could understand, and all of which made sense until it got to the english one, where the conductor announced that the train had "lost its elasticity”
This straight guy, who we’ll call Mike, has been roommates with Alex for a year. When Alex told Mike he was gay, he was absolutely fine with it. But then when Alex started to bring guys home…he started getting annoyed, resentful, disgusted.
Posting on Reddit, he said: ‘First things first, let me say that I’ve never thought of myself as being discriminatory before. I had a gay friend in high school and we made it through some tough times together, I never felt weird about him dating a guy. So all of this is coming out of nowhere.
‘”Alex” has been my roommate for one year, and I pretty much knew upfront about him being gay. At some point we became friendly enough with each other that we could even joke about it, as in, sometimes he’ll pretend to flirt with me and I’ll pretend to flirt back. I’m straight and he knows that, but I don’t feel threatened by him flirting with me and he says most straight guys do.
‘The problems started because of this: Alex brings guys home sometimes. At the start I thought I was okay with it, since it’s really not my business who he sleeps with. He’s usually discreet enough about it that I don’t see/hear anything I wouldn’t want to see/hear from anyone else, but for some reason I’ve started feeling weird if I even see him with other guys.
‘I don’t know when it started but one time that really sticks out to me is when I came home and saw him and some guy making out on the couch. I don’t know how to describe what it was like to see that, except that for a moment I felt so bad I thought I was going to throw up. Alex was embarrassed (he didn’t think I’d be back for a while), but I told him it was okay since I was embarrassed too.
‘I felt bad for being as disgusted as I was, since there’s NO good reason for me to have a reaction like that. I thought maybe they just caught me by surprise and that’s why I reacted so strongly, but it turned out it wasn’t a one-time thing. After that, every time he has a guy over (not that often, but every once in a while) I just start feeling like shit and wishing that guy would leave, and I can’t stop thinking about what these guys might have done to him even though I don’t want to imagine that. It makes me really uncomfortable and grossed out. And these are just guys he fools around with, I don’t know what I’d do if he ends up getting an actual boyfriend.
‘Alex has started to notice and it’s affecting our friendship. The other day I came home right when some guy was about to leave, and the guy tried to be polite to me but I ended up being rude to him (don’t remember what I said, but it was really obvious I was pissed). When the guy left, Alex asked me why I was being an asshole. I didn’t know what to say, but then he asked if I had a problem with him sleeping with other guys. I said no. For some reason that pissed him off more and he said I can’t complain since I used to bring my fuckbuddy over and he was forced to see me being affectionate with her sometimes. (I was in an FWB situation with a girl in the early days of me and Alex living together, but I broke it off after a few months and I haven’t done anything with anyone since.) I agreed with him and told him I was just having a bad day and I don’t care who he sleeps with, but he looked more upset and told me he’s going to a friend’s place to cool off. I said okay. When he was leaving for some reason he casually said, “and you’ll be okay if I sleep with him as long as I do at his place and not ours, right?” Or something like that. I told him it’s none of my business what he does at someone else’s place, but when he said that I felt sick to my stomach and couldn’t stop thinking about it.
‘He didn’t show up later that night even though he was supposed to hang out with me and my sister. He’s never blown me off before and it made me feel like shit, but part of it was my fault since I made him feel like I was judging him for sleeping with guys. Now he’s acting like nothing happened but I’m worried I might mess things up if it happens again. I want to keep him as a friend, but he’d be hurt if he knew that whenever I think about him with other guys it disgusts me.
‘How do I deal with this? I’ve never been homophobic but I’ve suddenly developed some kind of homophobia where just the idea of my roommate’s sex life makes me uncomfortable. And I don’t react like this to other gay people either, it’s just Alex. I don’t know if this means I’m only okay with gay people as long as I’m not living with them or what. Does anyone else have experience with this? I want to get over myself and stop whatever this is, but if I can’t I’m going to have to leave since the last thing I want to do is hurt Alex, and if I stay here and keep automatically judging him for his lifestyle that’s what’s going to happen.
‘tl;dr: Roommate is gay, I am not but I thought I was okay with him being gay until I realised I feel crappy when I see him with other guys and it’s started to affect our friendship. How to deal with this/stop being such a dick?’
One Redditor asked: ‘Are you sure that weird feeling isn’t jealousy…? i mean, this only seems to revolve around Alex specifically.’
And Mike responded: ‘I thought about that, but I don’t know what I’m meant to be jealous of. He definitely has a more active sex life than I do, but reacting like this to something like that seems really strange and irrational.’
The Redditor responded: ‘Yeah i thought maybe you don’t like seeing Alex with other people because you want his attention to yourself?’
‘The day I made the post, I met up with my sister Laura [24F] and I showed her the post. She read the whole thing and called me an oblivious walnut and said it sounds like I have a crush on Alex. The same conclusion some of you came to in the original post.
‘Anyway, she talked me through it and we confirmed I’m not as straight as I thought I was. She also pointed out something in my original post, where I said the more I tried to reassure him I didn’t mind who he slept with, the more he got upset. Also: how he brought my old FWB situation into it. I just thought he was understandably mad with me for being an asshole, but Laura thought it sounded like maybe Alex wanted me to be jealous? We moved on from that topic pretty quickly, though, since I couldn’t really handle the implications of that when I’d JUST started to understand that I like this guy.
‘The next few days were mostly me sitting on my ass trying to wrap my head around everything. I was scared of messing up our friendship and losing him, but I was even more scared that I might just let this pass without saying anything and then he gets a boyfriend and I have to see him with another guy…etc. Because if that happened I would probably have to end it anyway, since as we’ve established, I’m not great at dealing with him being with other guys.
‘Probably could have planned it better, but I told him. Right after a Tarantino marathon, if anyone’s interested, since nothing says romance like graphic violence. I told him I’ve been such a dick because I was jealous. I don’t think he got what I was getting at because he just laughed a little and said I didn’t have to be jealous since it wasn’t like I’d have any trouble finding people to sleep with me. No clue how I explained, it’s a blur. Luckily he saw how nervous I was so he knew I was serious.
‘We talked. Long story short: all that flirting was real, but Alex didn’t have any hope of it going further because of me being an oblivious “straight” guy. So he’s been trying to get over me. He laughed really hard when I told him about how I mistook my jealousy for homophobia, and he teased me by saying he’d never expected me to be the jealous type. Then again, we both ended up laughing a lot of out of nervousness and awkwardness. I’ve never seen him like that before since he’s usually pretty confident. In the end we agreed to maybe try something out, and we kissed. Never kissed anyone with a beard before, so…interesting experience, but also really good. (Plot twist: it turns out I don’t have any problem with Alex kissing guys if it’s me he’s kissing.)
‘Since then we’ve kind of been easing into the whole dating thing, I guess? I know this place is wary about roommate relationships and I get why, but it’s been great so far. We had our first proper date last weekend and it was incredible, though a bit weird since we’ve done that a thousand times already and this time there was a new context. At home we still do our normal thing, but sometimes we get distracted. Last night I almost burned dinner because I had to kiss him and we got kind of carried away, haha. We’re taking the whole sex thing slow though since I’ve never done anything with another guy before.
‘I’m a little worried about coming out to my family and my other friends, especially since this is almost as new for me as it would be for them. My parents are very openminded and my mom especially loves Alex. But I have some more conservative family members on my dad’s side, and I can already imagine them blaming Alex for turning me gay. They can also be pretty racist (Laura’s boyfriend is Latino so she knows all about that) and Alex is mixed. It’s something to think about in the longterm, I guess. Alex has said he doesn’t expect me to jump out of the closet right away, but if we end up calling ourselves a couple then I’m not going to keep him a secret or anything.
‘So…we’re trying. And I am not a homophobe, and nobody needed therapy. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I was this happy, and I never would have expected this when I made that first post. It’s a good thing some of you picked up on the actual problem and tried to get it through to me despite me being an oblivious walnut, so…thanks, guys.’
Funniest self-realization in the world? ‘Plot twist: it turns out I don’t have any problem with Alex kissing guys if it’s me he’s kissing.’
This cop pulls me and my girl over and asks us do u hav any weapons on u I say only this 12in cock in my pants. My girl says oo yea that’s a weapon I need cop says ur lieing so I pull it out haha he let us go after I tell him to follow my tumblr to see more I’m happy my girl was playing with it before full on boner
It’s really too bad I do not have before/after photos of what happened to my catnip plant. At the time of its death, it was 2 ft tall and 2 ft wide. It was a big happy plant.
Then I went away for the weekend, leaving my very pregnant cat in the apartment. (With a box in a quiet place, since I figured she might pop while I was away.)
I came back to a container of dirt on the table, no catnip left to speak of, and a very stoned cat under the bed…and five very extremely stoned and baffled bitty balls of fluff kittens who had no idea why the world was so far out, man.
Mommy and babies were stoned for a week straight.
Whooaa. Duuude
Not gonne lie, there was ugly cackling reading that story.
yeah but that one cat that jsut fucking ascended to goodhood
I know my parents cats always got dry cat nip and were fine buuuuuut, My roommates cat got a sinus infection from sniffing the dry cat nip. The vet told us you should always moisten it so that your cats can’t sniff it up. They’ll still enjoy it and have the same effects.
This project was drawn in 2020. There is story about little country, that was going through nuclear attack during one week. Now the events described in the pictures are felt more painful. Let there be peace.
its always “what are your plans for the future, you should really be planning for the future” and never “wow that character you’re obsessed with sounds so cool can you explain them to me. im sure you get them more than anyone else”
My little sister asked me to tell her a bedtime story and seeing as we didn’t have any books on hand, I decided to come up with one on the spot. All in all it consisted of a princess no one could find, not even every prince in the land. A princess decides to look for the lost princess and eventually finds her. They realize the lost princess has no recollection of her life before and that only true loves kiss could bring the memories back due to the spell on her mind. The princess kisses the lost princess and they live happily ever after. After I finished my story, my little sister (who’s only 4) asks, “girls can marry girls?” To which I responded “yes” and she gets quiet for a minute and then she just goes, “GROSS” And I, being a not-straight individual, asked what was so gross, expecting some “girls can’t marry girls because thats gross” type of answer that she may have picked up by someone that’s disapproving. She looks at me and goes “Marrying someone. Marriage is GROSS, LEXI” and I just looked at her and said “ya know what, you right, can’t argue that”
