#stream of conscience
i went to the beach without you tonight. it was dark out and there wasn’t a single star in the sky, because of course there’s not, theres never a clear night sky when i would want it most. maybe next time i always say, but by the time i get around to making myself look at the edge of the earth it’s always the same when im by myself. i am okay with being by myself. i would still rather have been with you, i still would rather be with you. i wanted to be sharing that moment with you so bad, i craved it more then you’re probably craving some sleep or your own death wherever you’re at as i write this. i hope that next time i go to the beach at one in the fucking morning and sit down on the path and let myself feel for once, it’s because i am feeling your hand squeezing mine or your breath on my neck or your arms wrapped around my body or you. i just want to feel you. and every emotion that comes along with you. your cold or your warmth were all i needed tonight because im just never hallt with moderation.
soooo felt this
when the sky is dark and stars are scattered up above us,
when the night air is cool, the wind nothing but a faint whisper,
and the clouds have gone to hide. leaving the heavens exposed to naïve eyes,
that is when i feel at one.
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when i was eleven, my older brother passed away. he was fourteen, he loved blink 182 and the offspring, he played guitar and was even a part of a band (MFIC; motherfuckers in charge). he was impatient but kind, and he was the best brother i could have asked for. it has been nine years since he passed and i have forgotten what his voice sounded like.
i have forgotten what it was like to have a constant companion, someone who was always there to talk to. when he was with me, i felt protected. nobody could hurt me with my big brother there. he never let anyone rag on me, even if he was actively doing so (which was often.)
i loved my brother dearly, even though he most likely regarded me as the annoying kid sister most of the time. I liked to be wherever he was, doing whatever he was doing. i admired him more than i had or ever will admire somebody else, with no regard to how irritated he would get at my constant presence. nobody likes to hang out with their little sister 24/7.
looking back i am glad i pestered him so much to play with me, as now i have more memories to look back on. like playing on the stairs that led up to his room, slowly moving up each step until reaching the top, where i would be so loud and obnoxious until he came out and let me play the playstation with him.
or when we would play swords in the backyard, when we shot empty soda cans with bb guns, when he dared me to eat a jalapeno out of our mom’s garden (which i did, in one big bite.) and then had to run inside to get a glass of milk while i cried and blubbered in the middle of the yard. when we were playing storm troopers in the middle of winter, and my tongue got stuck to a metal pole.
while i may not remember his voice, his smell, or the small details of him as a person, i do have the memories of the time spent together. nine years have passed and my brother has become more of an idea than a person. i think about him everyday, if not when i wake up then before i fall asleep.
i think about what my life would be like with my big brother still by my side. would i carry the same ideas, would i have the same passions? who would i be had he not passed away? sometimes i wish i was her, oblivious to loss and able to live a complete childhood.
but i figure every life has a purpose, so does every death. in the short time i had my brother, i had the best childhood any kid could ask for. i had a partner in crime, who i thought would be there forever.
after nine years you would think you would find a way to fill that hole that is left in your hear after losing a loved one. you find ways to distract from it, to busy yourself. but you never find exactly what you need to feel complete again, simply because you are unable to.
i love you big brother, you stay in my heart always.
