I don’t remember exactly how long it took for me to realize that suicidal thoughts were not normal for everyone. I think that is because the thoughts for me did not burst into my brain in any way that made me take notice of them. It happened slowly and quietly in a way that seemed to make total sense to me. When I was talking to my counselor and casually mentioned suicidal thoughts she immediately took notice of what I did not: my depression was worse than I was letting on. I figured everybody had thoughts of ending their life. I didn’t realize that when some people see a bottle of pills they simply see medicine and don’t wonder if there is enough in the bottle to be lethal. When they see a bridge, they think about the view and not the distance to the bottom. I didn’t recognize those thoughts as symptoms of depression.

Today those thoughts were not just a background to the dance my brain does daily with depression. Those thoughts were what greeted me as I woke up — how I could die rather than face the day. The truth is, my depression tried to kill me today.

Why is it so hard to reach out to friends and family on days like today? Why is it that we find it so terrifying to face stigma that we risk our lives to avoid it? These thoughts are symptoms of an illness and to ignore them is to put ourselves in danger. So often depression kills by convincing people it isn’t really there or isn’t causing those thoughts.

It’s the end of the day, and I am still alive. That does not mean I am out of the woods. It only means I live to fight the same fight tomorrow. But it also means I have the opportunity to fight differently. Maybe I can be ready for the fight and surround myself with people who help me fight those thoughts. Depression tried to kill me today, but it didn’t.

Via The Mighty

https://themighty.com/2016/12/depression-waking-up-with-suicidal-thoughts/

How are you just supposed to forget about someone when they have given you so much to remember?

Physically, I am here but my mind is wondering somewhere else. So no, I’m not really here.

I kept trying to convince myself that i was just having a few bad days until one heavy night, I began to question if this life was even worth living anymore.

It’s depressing…waking up to almost nothing. To the same four, stained walls, and the same strong desire to die…it’s unbearable.

Most days, I wonder if I should just end it, so I could move onto the next life, and hope that it’s better one.

I woke up this morning and realized how fucking lonely I really am.

||-//

Fiend: how come you never look both ways when crossing the street?

Me: I don’t know, sometimes I just wanna die..

Friend:….

Me: haha just kidding…

I remember when I was 16. I stopped going to school and started just laying in bed. The only time I would get up was when I needed the bathroom or wanted to eat.

This one time, in a one sided argument, my mom said that she would love to be me, laying in bed all day, being lazy and doing nothing.

I don’t think she understood how fucking depressing it was to live life in a state of isolation and feel like you can’t escape it.

Laying in bed for days isn’t relaxing.

Doing nothing with your life isn’t peaceful

Being in a state of low-functioning depression doesn’t mean you are lazy.

Sometimes I woke up and forced myself back to sleep because I had no reason to be awake.

When I rolled to the empty side of the bed, my bones would crack, and my muscles would stiffen.

I couldn’t get comfortable at all.

I was dirty from going days without showering

I had to cut my long hair because it was so matted that I couldn’t even run a toothpick through it.

I was exhausted even tho I did absolutely nothing for the past couple months.

See, the fact that I was doing nothing made me feel even more hopeless about my future. The fact that I was doing nothing made me feel guilty and shameful.

I woke up everyday with a desire to die, because I knew I wasn’t going to make it anywhere in life.

The only distraction I had was my iPod.

Even switching through the same 3 fucking apps wasn’t fun anymore,

There was no joy, no happiness. No reason to live… and I think the thing that hurt the most was simply existing.

I don’t think my mom would have loved to be me…

Little did she know that the life she lived, was the one I craved, but also, the one I felt like I would never be able to achieve.

I often think back to those bleak times and wonder how I even made it through the day…but somehow I did…because now I’m in the student council for the high school that I will be graduating from this year…

I never believed in the light at the end of the tunnel until finally saw it for myself.

It just took some work :)

It’s like I have to constantly try to remind myself that I’ll be okay….but I wish it didn’t have to be like this…I wish I can just be okay.

I wish i can be a different person

I’m not happy and I don’t think I will ever feel genuinely happy. But that’s just how life is for some people…it’s just pushing through the unbearable pain of today in order to reach tomorrow, even tho tomorrow is going to be the same exact thing.

I don’t know why I always have to try and prove to someone that I’m okay when I’m on the verg of breaking down. I will literally sit there and pretend I’m smiling at something on my phone when I’m really just staring at my homepage, with a lump in my throat and heart that’s slowly breaking.

I fucking hate myself

do you know what I cry about at 3am? Sometimes it’s because of the deep rooted childhood trauma, and my current, difficult life situations….but sometimes it’s just because I can’t sleep.

My inability to trust, stems from a very traumatic and damaging place, so when you ask me why I can’t trust you, don’t expect an honest and direct answer.

When I first saw you I never would have thought that you would be the person to cause me much pain.

I think one of the strongest things you can do is live another day when you plan to take your life away. Please, stay alive |-/

Do you ever just want to meet a person on tumblr and talk to them about your life story while they do the same? Like I wanna meet someone on here who isn’t afriad to tell me about the shit they’ve been through growing up or what their goin through right now. I wanna meet someone on here who isn’t afraid to tell me their deepest thoughts…..or even about how their day was…..someone who will listen to my stories, and what I gotta say about my own life too. I don’t know lol I probably sound so crazy and stupid…maybe I’m just lonley.

The empty side of my bed always reminds me that maybe I’m not worth the love people have to give.

Sometimes I just talk to myself in my own head because I know that there isn’t anyone in this world that would understand what I’m really thinking.

Wake me up when this is all over.

My lonlieness and anxiety get so unbarable at night. I wish that I can just fall asleep in less than an hour. If I knew that sleep was going to soon take this pain away, I will be able to bare it until then….but when I lay in bed, not knowing if I’m going to fall asleep by the crack of dawn or after the sun rises, I panic. I get over whelmed with fear and sadness knowing that I’m going to have to live through an entire night of emotional pain again. It’s currently 11:34pm and I’m already afraid.

It is currently 3:50 am and all I want to do is sleep and forget about this reality for a while. I can’t believe that 7 year old me dreamed of being able to stay up this late.

An apology letter to myself…

I’m sorry…I’m sorry for the days that I laid in bed, without knowing or even trying to figure out your purpose for existing or without having a will to continue living.

I’m sorry that I doubted you, and your ability to walk this life with a genuine smile.

I’m sorry for living in that hopeless mindset for years and years, without getting up to try and fix it.

I held onto the thought of a potential life long failure, to keep myself safe from my own disappointment, when I’ve only really held you back from what you could have achieved. I’ve only pulled you away from the opportunities that could have landed you on a path of financial and mental wellbeing.

I should have treated this body like a temple, but instead I treated it as a landfill for hard drugs, bottles of liquor and slit wrists.

I chose to cope with the pain that trauma buried in the deepest part of my mind, in a way that only brought 10x more crisis and hurt into my life.

I’m sorry for the actions and the decisions I made through out my dismal years.

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve tried to kill you, without thinking about the second way out. But somehow we found it, floating in the missing thoughts that hopelessness hid from us.

So I’m sorry, but I also want to say thank you, because without the trauma, the horrible experiences, the childhood of pain, and all of the struggles, I wouldn’t have ever been able to find the strength I have now. I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the small things that a lot of people take for granted.

Thank you for helping me become the light when I stopped searching for it.

Why do the little things break me but when I’m experiencing a traumatic event, it’s like a normal thing?

Does the pain ever get so bad that words can’t even describe what it’s doing to your mind?

I wonder how many pills I would have to swallow to achieve either death or complete numbness from the world?