So 2018 was without a doubt the worst year of my life. My eldest sister died from cancer. My mother died two weeks after that, but to top it all off the week before Christmas after a lot of effort to try to fix things my Fiancee, my world, left me as well. I have no idea what i’m doing now, i feel like life is just pointless. I haven’t really used my tumblr the way I used to, talking to people, reaching out, being an active artist, a good friend. I don’t know why i’m writing this here of all places either. my tumblr page is dead, which brings me to the point of I feel like I have nothing left to offer anyone or the world in general. I’m very close to just giving in. I don’t know which on is certain, being cowardly for taking your own long, or being courageous to go through years of abuse and suffering just to have a car crash of things happen and wanting to end it all. Because not existing seems so much easier than this constant feeling of emptiness that i had finally lost with the meeting of my fiancee and finally having someone, something to live for. Everyone says I need to live for myself but that is so hard to do, how do you live for yourself? how do you love yourself even? Everyone says 2019 will be amazing, but i don’t feel like it will be. Nothing ever changes, no amount of effort changes the fact that i’m unable to make real meaningful friends, have a relationship where regardless of what i do or what they do we can sit down and discuss things and they are willing to do so and understand me. And i will do my best to understand them. Anyways Tumblr I just needed to vent, to try to take a least a few minutes to escape the reality that feels not so much like a nightmare but definitely like a long dark room where you can’t find the walls and you don’t remember walking into it so you have no idea what direction the door is in.
We all know the greek myth of pandora’s box… Where she was always forbidden to open it? One day the curiosity got the better of her and she opened the box. All anger, hatred, anguish, jealousy, pain and every type of evil was released. The only good thing inside was hope. Well what happens if you open the box but there’s no hope inside?
Yes I am angry. I’m furious. How dare you take my whole life away from me the way you did. For years I beat myself up about it; thinking all this was my fault. But its not and it never was. Its yours and it always will be. And guess what? 5 years on and I’M STILL GAY. So yeah that thing you were trying to prove? Proved absolutely nothing. I’m now 18 years old, I still struggle to sleep some nights, I still remember your face clearly, and sometimes I don’t think I can do this. But you know what? I can do this and I will. Not just for me, but to prove to you that I can survive all the pain, hurt and confusion you put me through. And I will say this loud and clear because I’m not afraid of you anymore, you can’t hurt me. I am a survivor, not a victim and I will conquer this fight and come out so much stronger
