#surviving

doubleca5t:

They treat you inhumanely and convince you everyone else has worse intentions.

Theyare the devil you know.

Once you’re finally able to go out into the world, you’ve been trained to see everything & everyone as a potential danger. You know nothing else.

& When you’re always silent & shaking like a leaf people are less likely to want to be your friend.

Because your fear is visible, you look scary to everyone else. 

So you continue to be alone.

A man falls in love because there is something wrong with him. It is not so much a matter of his health as it is of his mental climate; as, in winter one longs for the spring. He gets so that he can’t stand being alone. He may imagine he wants children, but he doesn’t, at least not as women do. Because once married and with children of his own, he longs to be alone again.

A man who falls in love is a sick man, he has a kind of what used to be called green sickness. Before he’s in love he’s in a weak condition, for which the only prognosis, and he is only too aware of this, is that he will go on living. And, in his invalidism he doesn’t feel he can go on living alone. It is not until after his marriage that he really knows how wrong or sick he has been.

I am, of course, assuming that love leads to marriage. Unrequited love is to be avoided at all costs. If a married man falls in love with a third party and hasn’t the courage to leave his wife, he is like a man who takes off his belt, ties it round the branch of a tree, and hangs himself to death in the loop while his trousers fall round his ankles. If an unmarried man finds unrequited love then there is even more the matter with him.

The love one feels is not made for one but made by one. It comes from a lack in oneself. It is a deficiency, and therefore, a certifiable disease.

We are all animals, and therefore, we are continually being attracted. That this attraction should extend to what is called love is a human misfortune cultivated by novelists. It is the horror we feel of ourselves, that is of being alone with ourselves, which draws us to love, but this love should happen only once, and never be repeated, if we have, as we should, learnt our lesson, which is that we are, all and each one of us, always and always alone.

Originally published—in slightly different form—in Esquire,March 1955
Full essay collected in Surviving: Stories, Essays, Interviews, to be published by NYRB Classics April 21, 2020

Editorial note by Matthew Yorke: Accepting “with a sense of grievance” that he would not receive remuneration for this piece, commissioned by a freelance contributor, Green wrote to Esquire: “Certainly I would not have bothered to answer his letter if I had known there was no question of payment.”

Wie haben die Erwachsenen die Jugend überlebt?

Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares.

Fortified

As humans we are more resilient that we look. Our physical body can endure much change and pain. We are fortified to endure and survive. It’s frightening really because when challenged it is our physical body that makes the decision to endure the storm. Our mind is the center of our being and it commands everything our body does. It’s like the center of a bridge. When the winds are high the bridge moves with it, but it always starts from the middle, the strongest point. The body reacts the same way as it is invaded it sways to prevent any further damage. People with cancer must learn to endure the storm within their body. There are so many changes that we will go through and the storms we will have to battle. But, if we stay positive and fortify our minds, our bodies will follow suit. I know it’s hard, yet it will be worth it when you’re told that the cancer is gone. No matter how long the fight – stay strong and hold on. The storm will pass.

Used

So many people are diagnosed with cancer each year. The odds are one in eight individuals. There is a 13% chance of getting diagnosed with some kind or form of cancer. Everyday the numbers grow and the odds are against us. Yet, when you have cancer, you feel like you are the only one suffering. The only one in pain. The only one who is fighting to survive. Cancer has a way of using you all up both physically and mentally. It’s like you’re broken and there is no way to glue you back together. Though you are not alone, you feel isolated from the world around you. You no longer have purpose. Seeing others going through what you are experiencing gives you an odd since of community. We all stood strong at one time, but over time we are depleted of our natural resources and we feel weak. It’s that breaking point that decides where we are at and how we will manage the damage.

Contempt

I had never experienced the feeling of contempt until I was diagnosed with cancer. Anger flowed through me like a ragging river. I was allowed to roam but not far because of treatments. Chemo treatments kept me from going and doing a lot of things. I was house bound. I was sick and had to sleep a lot. They made me feel terrible. I was a strong person so I knew I could endure the possibilities of life or death, but I wanted to be free. I was so independent and able to do whatever I wanted. I had strength, security, and space. Now I feel like I am chained to my treatments and they hold me back. I want to be released so I can once more fly free and have the opportunity to live my life. Again, I am angry because I feel my life is now owned by something else where my choices are made for me. Will I ever be released? Will I be free once more? Will I be able to live my life the way I want to? These are my concerns and they are also what keep me contempt.

Hopeful

I have had a battle learning how to cope with life and life with cancer. It’s very difficult to see the beauty in the world around you. We focus on the pain, the misery, and the torment of cancer itself. What we don’t see is that life is still blooming and hopeful. Even a cactus can show beauty. Cancer is the same, it has its many thorns, but we can bloom and show our own beauty. We must learn to grow along side the cancer and fight. Cancer doesn’t define who we are, but inner beauty does. To remain positive through the stings in life we must find the inner peace and show the world that we are strong. Only a small piece of hope is enough to help us fight every step of the way. Just consider cancer to be a stepping stone to a new and brighter future. One that you will enjoy to the fullest and be thankful to be alive. Let yourself bloom into who it is that you want to be.

Upset

One of the worst things that cancer took away from me was my shoes. I ended up with severe nerve damage in my left leg. I couldn’t ware shoes for a long time. I loved my heals. I wore them everyday and had a pair for each outfit. I had been an office manager and loved to dress up. Now I wear what is comfortable, like sweat pants and t-shirts. It took a good two years before I could put on a pair of low heals, yet, I still had a hard time walking in them. So now I resort to flats and tennis shoes. Cancer changed my entire look and style. I was upset for a long time. I had even given away all my outfits because of all the weight loss. I had so many beautiful clothes. I see friends and family wearing them and it makes me sad. I only wish that I had my look back. Though I know I am still beautiful, I find myself wanting. However, I know that I need to accept myself for whom I am now and once again learn to be comfortable with myself. Things change and so have I.

Depression

Before chemo – I was beautiful! I had long hair and a plump gentle smile. Fourteen days after my first chemo treatment, my hair started to fall out. I had called my Dad and he came over with a pair of hair shears to shave my head. While I sat there he shaved off all of my hair. I didn’t show any emotion, but I knew my beauty was gone. I already had three wigs ready to wear but it wasn’t the same as having your own hair. Finally, I looked into the mirror. What I saw was a beautiful ugly person starring back at me. It’s hard to explain but my vanity turned into a depression.  I knew my looks would never be the same. After treatments my hair grew back in, but I had decided to wear it short just incase my remission was reversed. I do like my new look, but it is not the same. Now I am sporting a look I would never have had. Cancer took away my natural beauty, but life replaced it.

Temperamental

When I was first told that I had cancer – the word didn’t register. I sat there listening to the doctor and thinking to myself, “Who is he talking about?” There was no way he had been talking about me because I was living my life right. I went to the gym every morning, had been eating good foods, and took good care of my appearance. Yet, he was telling me that I was in stage 3, boarder line stage 4 cancer. I didn’t want to believe him, so his words were null and void as far as I was concerned. Everyone around me was upset and showing great concerncan Again, I thought to myself, “What is their problem?” I had been in the hospital for two weeks before my diagnosis, not knowing what was wrong, but it couldn’t be cancer – it just couldn’t!  The next day the doctor came in to see me and make sure I understood what my treatment options would be. Then it hit me, he was telling me that I had cancer! I just sat there in disbelief. It couldn’t be – not me!

Uncertain

Heaviness, anguish, despair, disfiguration, revulsion, anger, and hatred. These were all the emotions I felt when I heard the word “Cancer.” I was uncertain exactly how it would affect me or life. What kind of destruction was in its wake? It was a heavy anchor to bear. And it was mine alone. I had many family members that were there to help, but friends left m. It made me feel like I was contagious and it hurt. I was carrying such a heavy load. I didn’t want my family to suffer, so I would put on a front as if everything was okay. Yet, on the inside I was contemplating many things. I didn’t know whether or not I wanted to go through the chemo treatments. I didn’t know what the chances were if I didn’t. I just wanted to wake up and have it all be a bad nightmare. Yet, I was anchored to this cancer that wanted to stop my life. I knew the consequences, but I didn’t want to face the reality. No one likes uncertainty.

Worried

Life is like a journey upon the sea. At times there are waves that will knock you around, other times the waters will be calm and everything seems to fit in nicely. However, when you’re anchored – you don’t know what to do. Cancer is that anchor, it stops all life as you know it and leaves you waiting. Being patient is not apart of my vocabulary so you can only imagine that when I was told I had cancer what devastation it brought. I was a ship stuck on land, worried if I would ever feel the cool waters against my body once more. I was worried about the heaviness cancer brought not just to me, but to my entire family. We all had to wait. My life, my dreams, my destiny were put into the hands of others. They controlled my every movement. I was no longer free to explore the open spaces of my life. I was confined to a chair and tubes that where administering hope to my body. All I could do was to wait for my tide to come in.

Uneasiness

After my final chemo treatment, I realized I had a waiting period. This time was to make sure the treatments had been either successful or that I may have to start another round of treatment. It brings on a feeling of uneasiness and hope at the same time. I hate not knowing what my future holds, yet I have so many things planned to do. All I want to hear is the word ‘remission.’ Is that so much to ask? The time between remission and a normal life is a distance I don’t understand. However, I plan on making the most of the time I have. This is the time you dream of things you have never done and now want to do. For example, parachuting, winter camping, traveling, etc. You don’t realize how important life is until you stuck waiting in the balance. Waiting for that life or death judgment. Waiting to see if you have more time or is your time running out!

Powerful

It’s a new dawn – it’s a new day. Every morning when I wake, I pray it will be a good day. I want to feel refreshed and new. I want to forget about yesterday and plan out my tomorrow. Not knowing how much time you have you try to make the most of each day. I woke up today wanting to start fresh and wanting to start over. So I decided that I am the only one who can make that happen. I need to set goals for each day. Something I know I can live for – something that will bring me hope. Hope is so powerful, it gives you the incentive to stand alone and make a difference for yourself. It empowers you to see more and to believe in a brighter future. When you have something to hope for, you begin to see possibilities. That is all you want is to beat the odds and live a normal life. Not worrying about cancer or the end, but able to see a bright and long lasting future full of love and opportunity.

Denial

I was once told that ‘Our eyes are the windows to our soul!’ Everything can be seen through your eyes. Everything can be seen through your eyes. It’s a form of body language. It’s amazing what an expression can have on a person. Shame, I believe is the most disabling. If we feel shame, we have that tendency to hide our true wants, needs, and desires. This removes hope from your life and gives you a sense of being lost or wondering what it’s all worth anyway. Our eyes can be portals to our emotions. If you’re feeling happy – your eyes will glisten. If you’re feeling sad your eyes will fill with tears. Sometimes it is hard to hide what you’re feeling because your eye will give you away. You wonder if the world could see through your eyes would they understand your fears, your joys, your pain, and your life. Could you express how far apart you feel from reality and how close to the end. Look into my eyes and tell me what you see!

Calamitous

We have natural coping mechanism. Most of us know which one they are and others still struggle to balance their lives. We also have the tendency to remember the negative times in our lives than we do the happier days. Sometimes it feels like life is just full of failure and regret, but this is not focus on hope and dreams. This is a very positive way to live because once those are gone we no longer care about those around us or even ourselves. This is why we come fully supplied with a ‘fight or flight’ system. In those desperate times what you choose to do determines the outcome or success of your illness. If you decide to fight, your chances of survival increase 100%.  If you chose to let nature takes its course, just remember there is nothing natural about cancer. Knowing this changes your odds of winning and it declines 100%. We must find that inward warrior and take up our swords and fight. In everything else, we fight to receive what we have. Don’t give up now!

Frustrated

As we live through our illness, we will come across a variety of mixed emotions. Joy and happiness are there because you only have three more treatments to go. Yet, sadness and grief can slide in and overwhelm you because you have become accustom t this life style and change is right around the corner. We have to concentrate on the positive emotions and things in our life. Don’t let yourself feel blotted out of everyday life. Be inspired to try something new. I know it’s exhausting to even think about but you are far too important to just wither up or close down. Start a journal and describe your emotions, then use a counter emotion to change the negative feeling and concentrate on how much better it is to feel good, to feel life, to know that you are almost there. Remember, you matter.

Left Out

During treatments you can feel suspended because you’re waiting for the cure or to find out what happens next. Cancer is a touch and go kind of illness. Either it’s cured or it becomes a life long chronic illness. To be successful one has to be consistent and not afraid to ask questions. Sometimes we remain quiet and not ask questions because we figure the Doctor’s know what they are doing. This is not always the case. Just like you always asking why, the doctor’s are asking the same questions. They have to go through a process of elimination. They have to figure out which treatment will be the most successful. To feel suspended means that you are feeling vulnerable and lift hanging. We want answers now, not three months from now. But there are times we have to wait for the results. When you begin to feel suspended or ignored, meditate or positive things. Put yourself in a healing mode and focus on being cured.

Hello there,

I just added the second set of emotional abstracts and drawings. I did these more than 10 years ago. Still working on more (lol). I plan on having the book done with drawings and other chapters of dialog. It has been a rewarding endeavor and I am still learning and drawing (better) than I think I ever had. 

I hope that you enjoy the drawings and that they enlighten you to what an emotion can look like, especially, through the eyes of a cancer patient, survivor, or cured,

Thanks for the support.

Maria 

Captured

Cancer is like being in a fish bowl. It leaves you feeling exposed and trapped within an environment where everyone can see. It’s like your life is on display. You no longer have any privacy and your space is filled with the pressure of the world barring down on you. You swim around in circles, never making it anywhere. Knowing that there is a war going on in your body and physically you don’t know how to fight it. The treatments kill every living and deadly cell in your body making you feel like an empty shell (the fish bowl). Mentally your exhausted and all you can concentrate on is the pain (the rocks at the bottom of the fish bowl) and it is debilitation because you’re not strong enough to fight or just don’t care to fight anymore. Spiritually, you’re hurt and don’t know anything other than pleading for your life. You can go to the top of your fish bowl for a small breath, but you still cannot get out. Gotcha!