yo not to post cringe on the main but getting out of years long toxic relationships, valuing my authenticity by enforcing boundaries and nurturing the parts of me that were desperate for care has led me to be happier than I ever imagined was possible
If you’re familiar with my account, you’ll know I talk a lot about toxic relationships in literature, but what, on the flipside, constitutes a healthy relationship?
Trust- If A says they’re going to hang out with friends, B should not be ‘checking up on them’ or demanding texts while they’re away. Jealousy isn’t cute.
Honesty - But, of course, trust needs to be earned. This is with honesty. Lying to protect someone is still lying and that is not a good foundation for a loving relationship.
Independence - In a healthy relationship, both parties have the freedom to do things on their own. Co-dependent situations, even ones built on love, are not healthy.
Respect- “I won’t let you do that” –> “I respect you and trust your judgement.” Even if A doesn’t like B’s decision, they should have enough respect for one another to discuss the decision until both parties understand one another.
Communication- If you want to discuss decisions you’re going to need good communication. Arguments don’t need to be screamed in a “passionate rage” for things to be said with emotion and heart. Yes people get emotional, but that is not the time to discuss important things.
Equality - Power imbalances can lead to toxicity. If both parties have mutual respect and understanding for one another, this can be avoided, but the 200 year old immortal x the 18 year old girl is a little weird don’t you think? What’s next, 90 year old mortals and 15 year old boy?
Empathy - When arguing, both A and B should be able to empathise with the other. If that means A shelving their agenda so that you can hear B out and then deal with their side later, that’s a healthy approach.
Taking Accountability - Even people in healthy relationships do unhealthy things sometimes. What matters is they take responsibility for it and give meaningful apologies, not grad gifts when they already have a billion dollar trust find.
Comfort-Both A and B should feel comfortable around each other. When they’re reunited after a long day or time apart, they will feel at ease by being around one another, not on edge and fearing an argument.
Fun - Healthy relationships are fun! A&B will have so many in jokes that end in laughing fits. They have things that they love to do together, things that they both love to do. Not A forcing B to watch the notebook on repeat.
So there you have it, 10 things that make a relationship healthy.
Links to my posts on toxic relationships are below:
Toxic and emotionally abusive relationships are hugely overlooked in literature. Many red flags are so romanticised that real people believe these warning signs are actually romantic. Here are a couple of examples and what to try writing instead.
“I can’t live without you!”
In the 1950 film Sunset Boulevard, we see the crazed Norma Desmond telling the much younger Joe that she couldn’t go on without him, that she’d kill herself if he leaves her. Here it’s clearly portrayed as manipulation, but you’ll see many versions of this line in current media pretending to be a declaration of love. Dependency does not equal love and this hugely manipulative sentiment
Instead try, “You are the best thing in my life.” This retains the sentiment of valuing a significant other, without the threat of what will happen if their love is unrequited.
“I will not let you do that. End of discussion.”
Ohhh we see this one a lot in fantasy. A good portrayal of this being toxic is the song ‘mother knows best’ from Tangled, but most of the time when we hear this it’s between a romantic pairing and it’s portrayed as okay when it’s not. It’s is instant shut down of communication presented as being protective. Communication is key for functioning relationships and decisions that affect both parties should be made together. Also, maybe don’t just tell your partner what to do. Just a thought.
Instead try, “If this is what you really want, I won’t stop you, but can we talk about this first because It worries me when you put yourself in danger.” Please find a better way to word that, but the idea is to keep the ‘I’m really worried about you’ without all the ‘I know better, you don’t get a say.’
“I can’t stand it when you talk to [enter name]”
No, extreme jealousy is not a healthy part of a relationship. it can lead to the victim cutting themselves off from friends to avoid hurting their partner and this isolation makes them easier for their partner to control. Trust is important in relationships, and if the love interest refuses to trust the MC around other boys/girls then they’re being toxic.
If you want a plotline where character X is trying to steal the MC away from their partner try having them bring it up like, “I think X is trying to flirt with you” “Really? I just thought they were being nice.” “I doubt it, but it’s fine. I trust you.”
If you found this post helpful I have a couple of older ones on red flags that are frequently romanticised. [1][2]
Disclaimer: I am not a trained relationships counsellor or therapist, I just have experience with toxic relationships and have done researched into the early signs and toxic behaviours. If any of my suggestions are wrong I am open to being corrected, but this is something I wanted to share.
[If reposting to Instagram please credit @isabellestonebooks]
If your partner feels threatened when you want alone time: RUN.
welp
thats creepy
This applies to you boys too- if your girlfriend won’t let you hang out with your friends, RUN
No matter what gender you or your partner are, if they refuse to let you spend any time with your friends that’s a big sign of danger.
GUESS WHAT MY EX BELIEVED
Last time I reblogged this I lost ten followers, someone I liked blocked me, and I got hate mail in my inbox for several days. Let’s see what happens this time.
Abuse begins with insecurity
My ex wouldn’t even accept a ride from my friend who offered to drive us home in the pouring Orlando rain and instead forced us to walk 12 minutes in the rain, soaking my only pair of work shoes and giving me a cold. FUCKING RED FLAGS
If you gotta worry about a girl’s night then either your S/O isn’t trustworthy and you know it, or you’re paranoid and controlling, and in either case then you shouldn’t be in that relationship.
Also, this still applies with platonic friends, too. Possessiveness and emotional abuse don’t have to include a romantic or sexual component.
I’m for the first time in a toxic relationship. it’s awful. Never let a guy or a girl decide anything for you. Never let them hurt you without saying anything back. If you feel like you’re in a toxic relationship, get the hell out of here fast.
I think the actors doing their characters were just brave. There were so many lovers here. Toxic relationships through the road to certainty. My most favorite lovers here were Sol and Ji-Wan. They’re problematic as well yet cute. I love how the butterflies were associated to the man’s character and how the leading lady got the name Na-Bi. Pretty genius. Nevertheless, this drama is too weak. I didn’t feel any emotions. It’s realistic and unrealistic at the same time hmmm.
