“Love”…

The absolute worst part of depression? Even tho you know you’re depressed, you’re unable to stop yourself from getting worse.

I haven’t really been feeling like myself lately. When I wake up I don’t wanna do anything. And when I get out of bed I don’t do anything. I just kind of waste my time. It’s funny because I have all these goals and ambitions but I just can’t bring myself to accomplish any of them.

I stay awake at night cause I don’t even know what my favorite color is and I’m afraid I don’t have a real personality.

If I’m having a panic attack or if I’m telling you how sad I am or how I actually feel. Try a hug. It’s mental illness. Mental illness. Mental illness. It’s not like “my daughter feels horrible about herself, let me hug her.” It’s “Take your medicine!” It’s “Do you need to go to a hospital?” It’s mental illness before it’s me.

Maybe we feel empty because we left pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love.

I wish I could look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted at what I see. I can tell my friends to be strong and to love themselves but I can’t do it myself. I feel worthless. Like I don’t deserve to be loved.

PERSONALITY TEST

Let’s start with your results. The Enneagram, Zodiac, and MBTI Section revealed that you are either an 8w9, or an 8w4, a Gemini, and an INFP-T. From Your Disorder Section come the results that you are physically disabled with a potassium channelopathy, an illness that nobody would ever bother to try and understand, as well as mentally disabled with depression, ADHD, autism, and you are quite possibly an actual narcissist. In one of your written responses, you said, “Apparently I have a desire to control the circumstances around me. I’m told. I guess that’s true. I guess. I mean, the desire is there. I’m not, like, puppeteering people around. But anyway, I don’t ever feel that way because I want to be, like, manipulative, or cruel. It just helps me feel safe. To imagine that I can. Not puppeteer people, no, I mean ‘to imagine that I can have some control.’ So much is uncontrollable, overwhelming.” Aw, how cute. You do use too many words to over-express your meaning, though. And sometimes you still aren’t making any sense, even though you talk way too much. Your Preferences and Hobbies Section gives me an interesting note to write down on my clipboard here; most of them are actually just coping mechanisms and tools for escapism. Your Relationships Section reveal that your Attachment Style is Anxious, but somehow with the ridiculous amount of actual love of Secure mixed in, meaning you fall in love too early and can’t let go. Your Love Language is Physical Touch, with the runner-up being Quality Time. Coupled with your aforementioned ADHD; and your out-of-sight-out-of-mind mentality, this means that if you aren’t within hugging distance of the person you have the ridiculous amount of love at all times, you lose interest within days, hours. You also desire praise and validation, not just from your friends, partners, and family, but from every single person you meet. You are highly insecure.

I’m so sorry, but after looking over your results from the extensive Personality Test, your diagnosis is unlovable.

Nobody will ever be able to reciprocate what you give so much of.

Nobody will ever be able to tolerate you for longer than a month. That is your final record.

I am ashamed that I cannot figure out yet what I want. What I have always wanted. Because what is life without longing?

I died a long time ago. Now I’m just an empty shell of person, who never really existed

Broken thoughts

I always thought it was other people, who hurt me the most. But then I realized I’m the one, who does the most damage. I’m the one who’s being self destructive, and constantly filing my head with thoughts of never being good enough. So, who really is the bad guy?

Broken thoughts

“Why must you push away those who care for you?”

-The question you should be asking is not why I push you away, but why you stay

“People live to save themselves”

-Sakunosuku Oda

I’m getting closer and closer to the edge, but nobody cares; not even myself

Broken thoughts

“Sometimes the only way to heal our wounds is to make peace with the demons who created them”

Broken thoughts

I feel like drowning…

It really makes me wonder, how when I was younger, I wished to live forever. Now growing up I just wish, it would end soon…

I’m slowly fading away, and nobody cares to notice

Broken thoughts