#vent tw
I am honestly glad to maybe - and I feel finally - have our brain reaching a place where we can probably work to get Aderis and I back onto the main team. Ever since COVID hit, our system has been running around with makeshift fronting teams, usually consisting of Riku and various combinations of other not-protector-built parts co-hosting, but we really really have not been having a proper protector near the front for almost two years and while the system has made leaps and bounds in recovery, it has been very very apparent that the lack of experience in keeping everything together has been missing.
I do have to say that the work Riku and XIV specifically have done the past half year or so though was absolutely phenomenal for creating a great base and foundation for us to restructure the system on and to rebuild a healthier dynamic that can best enable more parts. I had brought it up in our journal this new structure we are going to work on, and I have been both very proud and excited to implement it because I think it - by far - has the potential to not only solve a lot of our chronic issues seen in several parts, but also be a good scaffolding stage to possible final fusion, and at the very least, be an extremely more balanced method of functioning.
I’m very bad at thinking about things for myself and for my needs, but more than anything, it will actually allow me to be involved and engaged in the world and not be constantly cut off from it because I really really really hate not being front / not near the front for periods of time. I really absolutely do not like it.
-Lucille (Protector)
god why do people fucking refuse to communicate. like. so much of life could be solved if we all took our heads out of our asses
I’M THE KIND OF THING YOU THROW ROCKS AT
NOT THE KIND OF THING YOU LOVE
you have to be fucking kidding me right now!
DONT REPOST / okay to rb if you are a csa victim/lost a child/struggle with an ED as well
Terminally online people piss the the fuck off. They take things that are actually serious topics and skew them so far in the wrong direction it’s actually ridiculous. No tiktok, kawaii is not a slur. No Twitter, someone that happens to be wearing something frilly isn’t p*dobaiting.
Like ffs way to take actual serious issues and make them look like a fucking joke.
fuck you.
Because my partner’s college fucked up multiple times and made it so they couldn’t get enough credits I won’t be able to move out with them until november. It’s been years I’ve had to live with my parents because I can’t afford to move out on my owm. I’m so tired of being in a toxic “home” that literally constantly triggers me and makes me feel helpless, powerless, trapped and stagnant and having my only hope for the future pushed back again and again, to the point that I feel I’ve lost my youth before my life even starts.
In other words
me:has been out at my company for four years
me:started asking my company to use they/them pronouns for me four years ago
me:had meetings with HR and whatnot about it
me:has had their pronouns in their slack status and email signature for at least a year, if not more
manager at my company: still uses she/her for me despite being part of those meetingsApparently, I get paid minimum wage for minimum respect. I don’t even know how to address this to be honest. When I first came out, I was met with hostility from my coworkers, and management and HR weren’t the least bit helpful. So, do I just shove myself back in the closet and pretend I’m not trans? Because honestly, until I can safely leave this job, I don’t feel like I have another choice.
Idk. I’m gonna try and do some writing.
I’m so mad my tiktok got banned!! Idk why, my page was a venting page and others could relate to it! How come I get banned for posting that, but grown women on this app dancing and twerking half naked, knowing there’s kids on tiktok don’t get banned! I don’t get it, my venting page gets banned but basically soft pornography dosent? I’m so pissed.
Sorry for not really being online lately (other than my queue) and not doing the requests I have, I haven’t been in the best mental state currently and my brain is kind of all over the place, I’ll do my best to get them done later at some point!
I’m honestly disappointed that the Scout’s Valley person hasn’t IM’d me yet. Makes it harder for me to think they were misgendering people as some fucked up way of defending me. And makes me think it was really just more about worsening my reputation, like I thought.
Although right now I honestly don’t care if they’re an irl stalker if they do end up IMing me.
I know I deleted the previous post but tbh the feelings in it still stands. So I’ve pretty much decided I’m going to take a permanent break from tumblr. I just f eel like I’m walking on glass on this site nowadays anyways. I can’t even properly just leave the anti community while on here cuz Io and Io’s stans decided that wasn’t enough. They gotta just constantly monitor my blog too. If I wanted constant thought policing and borderline stalking I would’ve just stayed in the JW org.
So I’ve decided I’m leaving. Maybe then if I leave for a long amount of time and people still keep sending aggressive asks over the callout y’all will realize you really can’t in it all on me anymore. I genuinely regret letting Breeze and Luci be su crits/antis f or so long. I conjoin the two labels because let’s be real the SU crit community was kinda just another subset of the anti community. Because the SU crit community ended up being a pipeline for the anti community f or Breeze and Luci.
I have also not been lying about any of my minority labels but I know that trying to convince people who believe the callouts of that is like explaining it to a rock.
I genuinely regret the time Breeze and Luci spent in those communities. I think the most the system got out of it was like learning more about proper socialism. But tbh the end of the day I wish they’d learned about it through the socialism subculture in the anti anti community instead. And this isn’t me saying I’m going back to the anti anti community now. I”m just leaving the idea of internet communities in general right now.
Especially for the reasons I talked about in the briefly posted vent post. I’d always had issues with a lot of the ways antis handled certain things. And this whole situation has just heavily highlighted them to me finally. I’m neither an anti nor an anti anti, I’m just me. Incredibly disillusioned by the idea of solidarity in internet communities.
But I can’t help but feel bitter about letting Breeze and Luci waste so much time we coulda spent on recovery in the anti community. Because looking back on it we sure weren’t gonna get it there. I feel like if they’d learned the full extent of how we got groomed as a kid we would’ve been shamed out just for that by the majority of antis. Especially since that is partly happening right now with Eula calling us a pro shipper. I’m only gonna stick around for a bit longer to delete some drafts and that’s about it.
I really should’ve had Breeze listen to Best when he warned them to not join the anti community. He was kind of right!
Anyways it finish this off I don’t really care how me announcing I’m leaving soon is handled. I don’t even care if actually self identifying anti antis use this as proof of how toxic the anti community. I just hope that Abacus gets me before I’m done with/by the time I”m done with deleting drafts from this account and unfollowing tons of blogs.
I just wish I’d realized sooner that the majority of antis would indeed demonize systems that have villain alters like me in them. And tbh I have to wonder how much of the hate towards Luci is coming from that more than anything else too.
Again I don’t want any pity or people telling me not to take a permanent break after I’m done deleting drafts and unfollowing blogs. I’ve pretty much made up my mind right now.
Cuz if I’m the one who’s stuck being system host than I get to make this cursed system take a permanent break from this site. AND I get to make sure Breeze and Luci don’t go back to being antis. I’m done.
Pre 20′s me was still processing the f act that I have a human body. Everything a f ter that went downhill.
Note to self: in your next life, don’t try to make lots of friends. Even if it means you have very few trusted friends. Don’t blindly trust friend groups online, especially discord friend groups.
I haven’t been doing too well. I keep on waiting for the current stressful thing I’m going through to be over so I can relax and try to get back on track, but before it even can, some new stressful thing happens to me, and now I have to deal with that, too. I’m a bit overwhelmed with stress. I’ve been trying to do yoga to manage it, but in the meantime I’ve also picked up some horrible habits, like trying to sleep as little as possible so I can have more time to get everything done. I know this is futile; I’ll work slower because I’m so sleep-deprived, but I don’t know what else to do with so much on my plate.
That’s about what’s been going on for the past year, give or take a few months. I just feel like explaining everything that I’ve been dealing with, at least a little, to somebody, and for some reason I find it easier to vent to an audience of people I don’t know well than to one person close to me. I ghosted my therapist and now she doesn’t have time for me anymore (understandable, on me not her /gen), and I don’t think I can handle opening up about my issues to someone else, so I don’t imagine I’ll be seeing one soon. I did see a group therapy opportunity that seemed interesting, so I guess I might try that, but I’m not sure.
Anyhow, thanks for listening. Thanks for reading. I’ll get through this, I just don’t know when, and I’m getting very tired. But I’ll get through it at some point. I just need to be able to rest. Hopefully soon. Would like to book a massage and maybe a spa visit, I have some money saved for something else, but I may as well spend it on that. I’ll get more money eventually, and right now I’m just basically hoarding it.
I should be sitting in the theater with my best friend, with my camera in hands, waiting for Maestro to come on stage right now.
I should be about to experience Phantom for the first time right now.
But I’m simply not.
I can’t be the only one that worries that their friends’ story vents are about you
Can I get some kind words from y'all? The patron stream was cool but very overstimulating and I’m slipping into a nonverbal episode and some kind words would be nice.
