Wether it’s the hope of love

The grief of love

The lesson of love

Or the regret of love

Once you have loved

It always remains

༄

You said you wanted all of me

So here I am

Darkness

Melancholy

Rage

Why are you walking away?

༄

With you

I am drowning

In despair

I breathe

Incurable sadness

Not air

༄

The day will still come

No matter how hard you close your eyes

The night will kiss the day goodbye

Painting colors in the sky

Welcome the darkness

Embrace the light

Don’t fight against the up’s and down’s of life

༄

when i was eleven, my older brother passed away. he was fourteen, he loved blink 182 and the offspring, he played guitar and was even a part of a band (MFIC; motherfuckers in charge). he was impatient but kind, and he was the best brother i could have asked for. it has been nine years since he passed and i have forgotten what his voice sounded like. 

i have forgotten what it was like to have a constant companion, someone who was always there to talk to. when he was with me, i felt protected. nobody could hurt me with my big brother there. he never let anyone rag on me, even if he was actively doing so (which was often.)

i loved my brother dearly, even though he most likely regarded me as the annoying kid sister most of the time. I liked to be wherever he was, doing whatever he was doing. i admired him more than i had or ever will admire somebody else, with no regard to how irritated he would get at my constant presence. nobody likes to hang out with their little sister 24/7.

looking back i am glad i pestered him so much to play with me, as now i have more memories to look back on. like playing on the stairs that led up to his room, slowly moving up each step until reaching the top, where i would be so loud and obnoxious until he came out and let me play the playstation with him. 

or when we would play swords in the backyard, when we shot empty soda cans with bb guns, when he dared me to eat a jalapeno out of our mom’s garden (which i did, in one big bite.) and then had to run inside to get a glass of milk while i cried and blubbered in the middle of the yard. when we were playing storm troopers in the middle of winter, and my tongue got stuck to a metal pole. 

while i may not remember his voice, his smell, or the small details of him as a person, i do have the memories of the time spent together. nine years have passed and my brother has become more of an idea than a person. i think about him everyday, if not when i wake up then before i fall asleep. 

i think about what my life would be like with my big brother still by my side. would i carry the same ideas, would i have the same passions? who would i be had he not passed away? sometimes i wish i was her, oblivious to loss and able to live a complete childhood. 

but i figure every life has a purpose, so does every death. in the short time i had my brother, i had the best childhood any kid could ask for. i had a partner in crime, who i thought would be there forever. 

after nine years you would think you would find a way to fill that hole that is left in your hear after losing a loved one. you find ways to distract from it, to busy yourself. but you never find exactly what you need to feel complete again, simply because you are unable to. 

i love you big brother, you stay in my heart always. 

a slave to paranoia

I love you more than anything

I hate just as much

I wish you would feel

anything at all for me

How can I live without you?

How could I live with you?

My heart is broken

- MayAPoetBe (draft)

mayapoetbe:

tell me

is this forever

am I doomed

to feel this way

-mayapoetbe

mayapoetbe:

you are not trying to forget

what I did to you

you are trying to forget

everything at all

- mayapoetbe (draft)

the world keeps on spinning

as if we’re not in it

keeps on turning

as if it does not care

and we’re just not learning

to stay at a point

-MayAPoetBe (draft)

愛してる

Despertarme antes los fines de semana para poder escucharte se ha convertido en una parte muy arraigada de mi rutina. Cuento los minutos y las horas que me quedan para verte hasta que me duermo y vuelvo a despertar esas noches, que son transición del viernes al sábado, para continuar durmiendo, pero por lo menos esta vez a tu lado.

Anoche me acosté a la 1a.m., después de haber pensado que podríamos hablar, que podríamos vernos; pero no fue así y pensé: “Si mañana madrugo, podré estar con él, eso haré”. Ayer me sentí hermosa, vestía el mismo vestido con el que me presenté a tu madre, la única diferencia es que ya hacía tiempo de camisa en vez de jersey.

A lo largo del día le saqué fotos al cielo, muchas más de las que te suelo mostrar. Mi madre me vio y me dijo que quizás podíamos hacer un mural de ellas en la pared, porque ninguno de nosotros llega al techo, pero para eso aún me quedan muchos días para poder hacer tantas fotos de las nubes de Madrid como para poder llenar mi pared. Quiero pensar que con cada foto que saco, estoy más cerca de ti, pero puede que sea otro de mis desvaríos.

Hoy me levanté a las 6a.m. y me estabas esperando con todo listo: en la cama, con los audífonos y las luces apagadas y te marqué. Hablamos un poco de las cosas que habían estado pasando: tu hermano te preguntó por mí, pensé en ti… Comenzaste a tener sueño y te dije:

- Vamos a dormir Toto, hoy ha sido un día largo, toca descansar. - Pero en el fondo, hablarte en este estado era un sinónimo descarado de hablarle a la nada, pues ya te encontrabas en un lugar al cual yo no podía entrar.

Todo estaba totalmente en silencio, y de repente dijiste:

- Porfa, no te vayas. No me dejes solo.

En ese instante, comencé a preguntar por dentro quién te había hecho tanto daño como para que tuvieras miedo a que me marchara mientras dormías.

“No, vida mía” - pensé. - “Sería ridículo marcharme ahora que he encontrado a algo que me hace tan feliz. Ningún poeta en su sano juicio deja escapar al arte y a todos sus poemas de amor más sincero una vez se han hecho carne. Y es que la idea de perderte marchita los nomeolvides de mi corazón. No quiero que temas, no quiero desprenderme de tu lado, y si lo hago, que sea para encontrarnos en otro tiempo o en otra vida”

Mientras que todo eso sonaba en mi cabeza, caí rendida de nuevo sobre mi almohada y volvimos a dormir juntos otra vez más hasta que me volví a despertar. Pero decidí quedarme contigo un ratito más mientras dormías, porque no quería dejarte solo, porque quería que recibieras mis abrazos y mis más sinceros besos.

Al cabo de un rato colgué, para comenzar mi vida aquí, para vestirme, limpiar, comer y hacer deberes. Cuando despertaste te conté lo que ocurrió y me dijiste que lo que me habías dicho mientras dormías debió de salir de lo más hondo de tu corazón. Volví a preguntarte sin qué me oyeras, quién había sido tan cruel de llenar de temores tales, a alguien tan bueno como tú.

Me has dado las gracias por quererte, por estar contigo, por no dejarte solo; en otras palabras: me diste las gracias por todo. Yo te pregunté si hacía falta que te dijera que te amaba en japonés para que lo entendieras por una vez en 6 meses que llevábamos juntos.

Tú directamente me respondiste con los caracteres que resolvían mi duda: 愛してる. Así, tan tranquilo, me dijiste: <<Así es como se escribe>>. Se me hizo bonito, tierno, como cualquier cosa que sale de ti.

Ahora, observando esos cuatro caracteres en mi pantalla, sigo sin entender como terminamos dónde estamos. No entiendo como terminé con alguien que comprende mis chillidos y conoce casi todos mis cambios. Eres la persona que se sabe el cambio de mis cejas cuando me enojo, y cuantas notas baja mi voz cuando tengo sueño. Eres la única persona que me ha visto con las mejillas más rojas que las acuarelas de mi mesa, y la que ha conseguido escuchar mi voz como nadie más me ha podido oír.

Soy incapaz de barajar la idea de perderte, si lo único que me viene a la cabeza en cuanto pienso en ti, son todos los lugares que vamos a visitar a medida que nos hagamos mayores. Me resulta inevitable no pensar en nuestra casa, en nuestros gatos, en los platos de nuestra tierra que le enseñaremos y las miles de vueltas que daremos al mundo gracias a un avión, o sin irnos muy lejos, también con un colchón.

Si algún día entras y ves esto, quiero que sepas que esta propuesta siempre será para ti, Salvatore. Que sepas, que no me iré a ningún lado, que te acompañaré hasta donde nos alcance la imaginación. Porque los grandes amores, son compañeros, y un compañero no abandona al otro.

愛してる Salvatore Di Vita.

María I.

“Never a Movie Came to an End” ~ poetry

In my dream you came to life

You are now so out of my sight

Your body, I can’t touch no more

You don’t feel real, just like before.

Your voice softens my heart

And I wish I could go back to the start

Years and years I would rewind

Just for you to again be mine.

In you I’ve never seen cruelty

Only the day you’ve turned against me

There wasn’t any wrong that I made

But I lost this game we played

We were nothing but we had it all

Yet you made me feel super small.

Perhaps you never cared about this

That’s why your hands danced in my hips

Never a movie came to an end

So easy it was for you to pretend.

After all I know what was going in your head

‘I wanna take her to my bed’

I thought it was fine, because you’re a man

But I wanted to be loved instead…

~By 2SoulsCollide

If you enjoyed this, and want to see more, you can take a look at my new blog!

From a young age our minds are filled with

false expectations that our lives must be

riveting, we must be grand to matter.

We learn how quickly people fade 

from every memory, thus starting a

desperate attempt to be eternal.

It is near effortlessly to inadvertently 

forget to love the softer aspects of life

in light of trying to create something endless.

Sometimes we all forget to live,

we let experiences pass by attempting

to manifest future happiness.

There is endless love in this world,

sometimes hiding in ways we may

never know, so easily missed out on.

We put so much pressure on ourselves

not to be forgotten and accidentally

forget what it is all for. 

-[i.r.]

[04.22.22.]

Why must I always
feel like I am dying
The rusted cogs
Ceasing to breathe—
My conviction
Grinding to a halt?

Madness eats 
My crime is life
A reflection
Mirrored
In bloody sheen

It’s all too sterile,
All too white gray
The marked path
Traveled by droves
of certain men

Without value
I continue on
Diminished by 
My still-beating heart 

For on the rooftop
There is a weed
Damned be its growth
In direct path
Of an unforgiving sun

Warmth emanates from

the singular chimney

Housed within the heart

Of a drafty mansion

It’s where the deer go

To lie upon rickety floorboard

As sparrows acquaint themselves

With the abandoned rocking chair

Preening their worries away

Serenity melded with serendipity

The course of the universe

Ivy stretching over bricks

Decomposition of matter

And the soul

How I would love to lay in a flower field

The waving grasses cradling my form

As cold spring air gushes over the hill

Kissed by a lenient sun

- - -

An Internal Dispute From Sleep Deprivation

Blatant words befalling blue lips

Smeared the color of sadness

Tri-coated depression

What is art to sadness but apples to applesauce

thefortymillionsomethingpoems

Some statement minus punctuation and declarations of woeful broken love

Gorge upon the sales of music to public ears

I gave my blood, the likes which you’ve never seen and apparently do not want

Pages of fine ink multitudesofwordsmeaninglesswords

The alternative framework lost—

Eaten in the mainstream, some cherry picker we have to thank for this

Poets ought to rip the world to shreds with a pen

Splash ink onto pavement, blacken the world into a deep void

Gross schemes, where the fuck is reality?

I accidentally threw it down the garbage disposal

But the corporations forced my hand

The meaningless throb the echoes of time ticking sand

Mind wrenching melting numbness pain

Contradictory hell

What more is left to do? What more is to be achieved?

Light a metal garbage can,

Set all the books on fire

And all the art as well.

Ichor of old gods

Pitter-patters solemnly

Gaia drinks her fill

—

Deafened ears 
Silent eyes
Rippled waters—
Reflecting murky skies

What remained
Laid in sullened tune
—With calla lilies
In godless demise

My organs wrung
Then clotheslined—
Like some
common rag

Discarded lungs—
Airbags for the worms
And my
once sharp tongue
Sits ’tween teeth
Delicately dead

This damp cavern
Punctured by 
A singular watery tree
The branches splay
Beams of light

Where I lay—
Skin haloed 
in mossy wreaths

Flowers before dusk

Curling from darkness,

How you shrink

So timidly inward

You fill yourself

With seas of fears

Though occupying

Minimal space

I would

Kiss your petals

If you

Loved me

||

Some nights I crave release
In loosed muscles
Over the beaming lights—
Polluted city skyline

Standing atop a tightrope
Roaming like a minor god
My insides disemboweled— 
Numbing immortality

I want to linger in apathy
No inhibitions,
without criminal feeling—
Lonely contentedness 

Breathing with intention—
Aeolus, commanding wind
My soul is drunk
Filled to the brim—
With hopes and dreams

Peace with the worms,

Consciousless things

How I’d like to join them

In holy matrimony

With the earth

As the skies weep

Crank me

Jack-in-the-box

Cricks of rusty parts

As music tinkles

Softly

Through floorboards

Dusty as the attic

And the locked chest

From where it came

Your fingers could

Draw lines

Into the age

Of that wooden box,

The one

With a precarious lid

It delights in your touch

Waits for the skip

Of your heart

When anticipation

Is empty

And

P O P

.

.

.

.

The spring dashes

Firmly into your eye

A lone thing

Without a clown’s company