– NEW FEATURES OF IPAD 3 INCLUDE VOUCHER TO CLAIM CLOTHING & PERSONAL EFFECTS

– NEW FEATURES OF IPAD 3 INCLUDE VOUCHER TO CLAIM CLOTHING & PERSONAL EFFECTS OF CHINESE LABORER WHO DIED MAKING IT

– SIRI NOW COMES WITH “SNOOP DOGG VOICE” OPTION, SAYS THINGS LIKE “YO WHAT’S UP MY NIZZLE”

– ENHANCED BATTERY LIFE COURTESY OF SMALL QUANTITY OF STEVE JOBS ECTOPLASM. HE IS DEAD SO THIS IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE. HE DIED LAST YEAR. IT IS HIS GHOST’S ECTOPLASM.

– ICONS NOW 150% MORE SWAGGED OUT

– CD-ROM DRIVE, MOUSE, KEYBOARD AVAILABLE AS UPGRADES

– THERE WILL BE NO TOUCH SCREEN BECAUSE TOUCH SCREENS ARE “OVER”

– GUARANTEED TO BE 30%-40% LESS INTERESTING TO CHILDREN SO YOU CAN FINALLY GET SOME FUCKING WORK DONE WITHOUT THEM ASKING FOR “ANGERY BIRDS” EVERY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES SHIT

– BACK OF IPAD 3 WILL BE STUDDED WITH DIAMONDS SO EVERYONE ON THE TRAIN CAN KNOW WHAT A FUCKING BALLER YOU ARE