The Balance Matrix, by Lauren Bacon. Below is a post drafted in November 2014. I think it’

The Balance Matrix, by Lauren Bacon.

Below is a post drafted in November 2014. I think it’s quite honest about the problem of feeling stuck, so I’ll post it now on the basis that it’ll probably be useful to me in future, and perhaps it’s relevant to some of you too.

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I’m feeling a bit out of balance at the moment, and trying to work out how to tackle it. This diagram and blog post feel pretty useful.

I think my problem might be a surfeit of tasks. I’ve got this week off work, and could fairly easily spend all of it essentially doing chores - mostly related to fixing up my flat. My flat means a lot to me as a haven & a place of safety - emotional and financial. But at the same time it’s a big weight, a set of demands. I can’t say I’m that thrilled about this need to strip wallpaper, paint woodwork, phone contractors, buy some furniture and so on. I’m kind of tired.

In terms of rebalancing, Bacon suggests two tactics: “What would you like to give yourself permission to stop doing?” (or “care 20% less” about), and “Minimum viable next step forward” on the things you value.

Yes, but. (Being tired always means seeing that “But”.) This requires knowing what things you value and want most to be doing. “Do you have a vision of what would feel marvellous to be dedicating time to?” Er… I don’t.

I feel I should be reading proper books and writing, and disappearing off into the countryside, and going to art galleries and talks. But all that feels daunting and difficult to do, and so it’s hard to say I really want it. ‘Want to have done it’ would be more accurate, or 'Want to find myself in the midst of a flow state while doing it’. Want to start? Not really.

Perhaps a way forward is to think smaller, right? Less “What is your life’s purpose?”, and more “What might feel positive to do?” Go for a walk down the river Lea. Allow myself to go to Columbia Road flower market and buy plants, even though I’ve not fixed my garden yet.

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(Side note: Plants are really great! They’re like having pets, but with none of the responsibility. Is this one going to flower? Will this one get any bigger? Why are my fennels ill? (Answer: Some bastard cat keeps digging them up and trying to shit in their pot. Go away, cat! Shoo!)