#testosterone: week 58 Pronouns: it, he While mediating, I burst into tears. Rejections from cuties
#testosterone: week 58
Pronouns: it, he
While mediating, I burst into tears. Rejections from cuties had been piling up & the weight of loneliness hit like a train, leaving me sobbing for over an hour. It was the first good cry I’ve had since starting hormones, though I shed a brief tear once or twice. This was a cathartic sob, complete with wailing & shaking. Afterwards I felt exhausted, like I could have slept for a week, but manged to drag myself to work anyway.
The urgency with which I’m drawn to people is intensely overwhelming. I’ve forgotten how to flirt, engaging only with unnerving sincerity. I’m trying to back off from pursuing new connections & focus on nurturing existing ones, though of course 20 minutes after making that decision I was trading nudes with a new cutie. Well, the intention was there.
I know my next step is to relax & let people come to me, but implemention is challenging. An enthusiastic approach has been a defining feature for as long as I can recall – when asked to describe my gender without using gendered words, I chose instigator. I am the spark that starts the fire; to act with restraint will require growth.
I’ve continued to exercise & mediate with surprising consistency. Frankly, the cry solidified my commitment to the latter.
This week has been eye opening in terms of what others are going through. Various cuties took the time to open up to me about where they were at, gifting invaluable insight. One clarified that they found me handsome but weren’t necessarily interested in sexing me, an obvious possibility my brain continues to overlook.
A common trans experience seemed to be verbal validation paired with sexual rejection: people will rush to tell us how beautiful or handsome we are but seem repulsed at the thought of intimacy with us. This creates a gaslighting effect, good intentions notwithstanding. I’m still convinced there must be something wrong with me that people are so quick to flatter yet so reticent to go further; I must be pushing them away?
My other goal is to divorce my fuckability from my self worth. Remembering others are complex creatures with fraught relationships to intimacy is helpful.
Mon, 25 Mar 2019 12:51:35
