Many of us have fantasies about things we’ve never done – and in some cases, about things we’d never do. I have fantasized about owning a harem of submissives (something I’ve never done), and of hiking the Appalachian Trail (something I’d never do). As a long-time dominant, I have met many men who have come to me with a whole host of fantasies that they’d like to act upon. And here’s the kicker: sometimes the fastest way to kill a fantasy is to enact it.
Here’s a simple example: there are many Doms and subs who talk (and write) about kneeling. Sometimes ad nauseum. This is fine… I have always had my subs and slaves kneel from time to time. But here’s the thing: kneeling isn’t easy. It can be downright agony after a while if it’s done on tile or uneven surfaces. And there’s nothing wrong with agony, necessarily…if the sub in question is a masochist. This is where the reality of fantasy kicks in. The fantasy is a naked slave kneeling for hours at a time and then jumping up without a wince to do the occasional task or fetch the occasional aperitif. The reality* is often kneepads or a pillow or a carpet….or sitting by my feet on the floor. Be prepared to adapt or be flexible with your fantasies and they might just survive reality :)
~Ms Kay
*Please don’t write telling me that YOU are capable of kneeling joyously for 20 hours, or that YOUR slave would never complain about sore knees. I’m sure you/they have knees of steel, and I congratulate you. This journal represents the non-bionic crowd.
Don’t ever, EVER kiss my foot or boot like you’re fulfilling an expected exercise. Each time, every time, you do it like it’s the air you breathe. Like you need it to go on.
Ms Kay’s note: Hi @the-affectionate-boy :). There are a lot of things to address here, so I’m going to answer this Ask differently than usual. I will put my answers and comments into the text itself. My writing will be in bold/italics.
I read your post it was about you just walking away when a submissive disobeyed you directly. it was nice to read that you didn’t just lose your temper at him. [Thank you]. I have basically no experience with BDSM in general, I know where I am in that pert for the most part anyway. As much as I want to be in a bdsm relationship, I just worry that the dom I go into a relationship with will just ignore my safe words and use guilt to keep me in the relationship. I have a lot of things to work out of my part, and I guess a lot to talk about with the dominant partner. But your writings on it make me feel safer about it. [I am so, SO glad to hear that!] I guess is the right word, so thank you for that.
Questions:
1. what do I say to a potential partner when negotiating terms. Do i tell them everything. my anxiety my high functioning autism. What is okay to say, what shouldn’t I say.
Great question. I wouldn’t share every detail of who you are with someone the first few times you interact with them, but as you get closer to a place where you feel like they might be a person you’d like to submit to, yes – you should share anything at all with them that you think might help them and you to have a safe, sexy, positive experience. As a Domme, I would actually be angry if my sub withheld that sort of information, because when I dominate someone, I take that responsibility seriously. My sub’s well-being (physical AND emotional) is my highest priority. So…ALL of it is ok to say. If they react negatively to you talking about it calmly beforehand, then it’s really likely they wouldn’t respond well if things came to light mid-scene and they are not the right Domme for you.
2. Having multiple pets when you’re married or in a relationship looking for subs. Why do people do that, I don’t quite understand why maybe it’s their dynamic heh oops I answered my own question.
Yep :)
3. I don’t really know how, to correctly word this question. how would you guide a submissive who’s been through traumatic abuse in the past. (I worry about this question a lot, I am genuinely a really sweet and caring young man. So I value warmth and affection Let me see I am worth something in your eyes. I’ll show you how much you mean in mine. I am not sure if that’s a good way of looking at this type of relationship. Please correct me if i am wrong.)
Hmm…it’s hard to answer this without specifics (I’m not suggesting you should have provided them). Every person deals with traumatic evens differently. But, in the general sense: As a Domme, I would spend a lot of time talking with my sub and doing my best to understand what happened, and how that abuse from the past impacts them in the present. I would certainly start very slowly and keep the lines of communication WIDE open. I would seek and provide lots of feedback.
I’m not sure where the warmth/affection comment you added fits into this question, except to say that if you value those things, be sure to find a Domme who treats you and feels about you the way you deserve to be treated and felt about :)
4. Is a D/S dynamic based on affection a valid one, I can’t do a hard cruel type of dynamic. I want to feel like I am worth something, i want to grow and become stronger. so I can walk in confidence knowing both through my own will, and her guiding hand I was told that it’s not the dominants job to be a healing factor in the process i am not sure if that is true or not either.
Is a D/s dynamic based on affection a valid one? Hell, yes! Yes, Yes, YES! There are lots of loving, nurturing Dommes out there who have no interest in being harsh. But you will need to be a good communicator and be honest with yourself and with your Domme.
For example, I am a very loving, nurturing Domme most of the time. But see…I’m also a sadist. You might find someone like me and be tempted to think that you can “put up” with the sadism because of the loving affection that happens most of the time. But that could be a huge mistake for you if those moments of sadism reinforced past trauma. You need to be very honest and clear about who you are, who you need. You have every right to want a loving, supportive dynamic and to settle for nothing less than what makes you feel whole and happy. Believe that!
But these are my questions, sorry if I rambled on or over explained. I asked these questions because you seem like a good person to ask.
Thank you– I’m flattered. I’m also sorry it took me so long to finally get this all written down :)
Also i wish you all the best with your new submissive, if it works out then i wish you many happy memories and a lovely time together. If it doesn’t then at least it was an opportunity.
Training a submissive is something that I enjoy very much. Typically, subs who train with me see positive results and are amazed at how quickly they can learn new behaviors.
The key to effective training is in knowing how to reinforce desirable behavior, and how to deter undesirable behavior. It’s tempting to think that a simple order will immediately result in permanent behavior changes, but often human behavior is much more complicated than that, and understanding basic training techniques can dramatically increase success in this area.
What I’m about to discuss has ZERO to do with fantasy and role-play and what porn tells us about D/s, therefore it is not meant to be erotic or exciting (though some may feel that’s it’s both :) What I’m about to lay out is the sort of information that will work if the goal is to train someone to behave a certain way in the long term.
In this write-up, I’m going to deal with three main categories:
Positive Reinforcement, Negative Reinforcement, and Punishment.
1.Positive Reinforcement
Positive Reinforcement is when a behavior (e.g. washing dishes) is reinforced by adding a positive stimuli, or reward. In this scenario: The sub is supposed to wash the dishes, the sub washes the dishes, and you reinforce that desirable behavior with a reward (a kiss, praise, and/or pat on the head…whatever the submissive considers a reward).
2. Negative Reinforcement
Negative Reinforcement is when a behavior (e.g. washing dishes) is reinforced when something is removed (or taken away) and that removal results in a positive outcome. In this scenario: the sub is supposed to wash the dishes, you may have placed painful nipple clamps on the sub and when the dishes are washed, the painful stimuli is removed (positive outcome)
IMPORTANT
Notice that both positive and negative reinforcement result in a behavior (washing dishes) being reinforced…or encouraged. These results are the very opposite of punishment!
3. Punishment
Punishment occurs when you introduce or remove stimuli to decrease a behavior. In this scenario: the sub is supposed to do the dishes, but does not. This undesirable behavior (failure to do dishes) could be punished with introducing stimuli (spanking) or removing stimuli (denying an orgasm), resulting in the decrease of the undesirable behavior (he does the dishes).
In all of these, you’ll see the best results where there is an immediate, consistent, and clear connection between the behavior and the resulting reinforcement or punishment.
Ok. I know that all sounds a little technical, but I can help simplify.
First – understand that the MOST effective way to train is through Positive Reinforcement. Reward behavior you like as soon as you see it happen. This doesn’t correspond with most of what is seen in Femdom movies, porn, etc., but that’s because those are about fantasy, not reality. The reality is that humans are much more motivated by positive reinforcement.
Second – and this goes against a LOT of what you see and hear about BDSM– Punishment is the least effective method of training. Added to that truth is the fact that it’s often poorly applied. Punishment, already less effective than Positive Reinforcement, is even less effective when it is inconsistently applied and if it doesn’t happen immediately after the behavior it is meant to deter. IF Punishment is correctly applied, it can effective (again, not AS effective)…but it requires vigilance and careful consideration.
The worst case scenario– and unfortunately, this is a common mistake– is when a Dom/me performs what he or she thinks is punishment, but which is instead actually reinforcement. The perfect example of this is when a sub misbehaves and the Dominant spanks them or scolds/humiliates them. If the sub enjoys being spanked or humiliated, then the undesirable behavior has actually just been encouraged, rather than discouraged.
Themost important key to finding success in training is in knowing your sub. If a Dominant doesn’t know what their sub finds desirable/undesirable, they won’t be able to effectively reinforce or decrease behavior. Some subs might love a kiss or caress for good behavior– while some subs or masochists would actually respond best to spanking as a reward.
The reason I am so successful in training is:
– I immediately take steps to discover what drives the sub, both positive/negative. Because of that….
– I don’t confuse what I consider to be a reward or punishment with what the submissive considers to be a reward or punishment
– I make expectations and consequences clear and consistent
– I provide immediate, clear feedback. If the sub doesn’t understand what behavior I am rewarding, s/he won’t know what behavior to repeat. Even worse, if the sub doesn’t understand what behavior I am punishing, I may decrease the wrong behavior.
An effective Dominant maintains control of her sub’s behavior. Knowing how to guide and reinforce the proper behaviors is the first, most important step.
~Ms Kay
*this post has been edited from my “original post” to add clarifying remarks and clean up some content.
