As you are all no doubt aware from your tea leaf readings and tarot card tantrums and from the stran

As you are all no doubt aware from your tea leaf readings and tarot card tantrums and from the strange whispers coming from the bottom of your garden, I have been tasked with announcing this year’s OFFICIAL zodiac signs - which came to me via a missive written in gnat’s blood and affixed to the tail of the sour-looking cat, a black menace which came gently scratching at my chamber door the night before last when Mercury was a mere retro-cut from a Frank Zappa album.

Yesterday, I told you what“fate” had in store for the egg bats, facial features, headless pets and tubes of Bonjela born betwixt the third week of Winter’s Midriff and the third day of Vada Sultenfuss’s mood ring. 

Today…

LONG THOMASes [those slippery so-and-sos born from Star Wars Day to the death of Christopher Lee] should be on the lookout for cheaper meats to see them through ‘til the frozen moons of December. The number 8 is lucky but the number 8 is also, conversely, very UNLUCKY - so make of that what you will [a paper swan, if you like].

Next up we have 20 Benson & Hedges [not an OFFICIAL sponsor of this post - that would be a crime], all of whom should LOOK AFTER THEIR HEALTH and QUIT WHILE THEY STILL HAVE A HEAD.

Things are looking brighter for those born in the summertime for realisies though, with Judy Jetson In A Bikini making her first astrological appearance since 1963, gifting all those who fall within the spread of her groovy beach towel of influence a massive sun tan of good luck in both financial endeavors and romantic entanglements. You’ve still gotta get your booster jabs, mind you!

And finally, for today at least, we have Some Sort Of Delicious Biscuit - a sweet goodbye to summer and a sugary start to autumn. Those born within this red time-period [including my brother and my nephew] should be extra nice to their friends and family this year if they want hand-me-downs and magazine subscriptions to flow freely unto them.

And that’s it for part two [deuce moose] of this three part rundown of this year’s OFFICIAL zodiac signs for 2022. Join me tomorrow [if I make it] for the the autumnal dash to winter that is the final four drawings with words and dates written under them!